He's Been PINNED!

My wonderful little Cub Scout earned his Bob Cat Badge and I got to pin it on him at the Pack meeting last night. I was so proud of him. He's really worked hard (as have all the guys -- as they ALL earned them). I have a wonderful pack of over-achievers! I love it! (just kidding).... This was MY first pack meeting as a Leader... and my boys first as official Cub Scouts. They did a GREAT JOB!!!

Friends For Ever

Josh had his best friend Jackson spend the night last night and I took them to school this morning. Jackson's little brother, Wyatt, was having surgery at the hospital this morning and they had to be there quite early. I knew my friend Lisa and her husband Shannon really needed to spend some QT with their little guy and at times like that you just do whatever you have to for those that mean the most to you. She's SUCH a wonderful friend...

Lord, I lift up this family in prayer to you. Please guide the doctor's hands... be with Lisa as they take her baby ... be with Shannon to be strong for them all... be with Wyatt to keep his heart calm and help him be brave... be with Lisa's mom watching her grandbaby go through this... Let them work steady and surely and give him a fast, immediate and complete recovery. Be with them all, I ask this of you. Amen.

Hear the call of the wild

I met with my Cub Scout troop (yes, if you don't recall, I'm the overachiever that has to take on every volunteer opportunity known to man) and we toured the Fort Worth Zoo for our first official "Go See It". I had each child prepare a little speech about a specific animal... it was quite adorable watching them give their official schpeels. It would have been a great day but we had to eat eventually... and that meant standing in line for a stupid mini pizza for like what seemed about 40 minutes. I have NEVER in my LIFE seen anyplace move so slow. There has GOT to be a way to make that place move faster. I'd almost have rather starved than had to wait for pizza. Bees swarm EVERYWHERE there is a place to eat or a trash can. Me and anything that buzzes and flies just simply do NOT mix. I"m usually the one seen running with flailing arms screaming high-ultra-sonic screams that only the bats hear. It's quite embarrassing but hey, I've never been bit and really don't want to start now.

Delight in the smallish of things

Today on the way to preschool... completely umprompted... undirected... Drew told me he loved me... he pulled out his navy blue mickey mouse binkie and looked at me... We were at a red light and I turned around and smiled at him... and he said "eye dutch chew" : ) it was such a warm fuzzy moment that I can't even begin to put into words... it was so needed and such a little piece of happiness.... Im going to treasure this little memory and hold it close and treat it as precious as a chung of gold... moments like that make me realize that it really IS worth all the heartache and trouble. :)

To Wylie or Bust

Got up and took my big kiddo to grandmas... took my little kiddo to Wylie to Peggy & Gordon's... he did great... i was impressed. He got to play in the hot tub... didn't eat well but still ahd a good time..took a good nap in Jada's crib... played with Jack. We got home and I pretty much tried to get him to eat anything, he wouldn't and so it was just like... to bed young man... and I was in bed by 9:30... wasn't feeling good... nauseated... sore throat...

Did it Pop?

Took the sick-o to the doctor. He has a sinus infection. Got an rx for him and took him home... I put him down for a nap at about 12:30 but he didn't go down for a nap until 5.... I finally got sick of listening to him while i was laying in my bed that I just went up there and got him. Oh well... no nap for me.

Tonight was the Fall Children's MInistry Kick-Off at church. It was FANtastic... I thought I was going to die before I got there, however. I was on the phone with my mom when I got there... and the MOMENT I pulled into the parking lot I thought someone had slit my stomach open... i was in LABOR type pain... it was unbelievable...all I could think was did that cyst pop?

I walked funny from the car to the building... got inside... went straight to the bathroom.... thought maybe -- ok, it's gross -- but maybe I jsut needed to go to the bathroom... but I didn't... it still hurt BAD... bad bad bad... I got out and was walking out and then looked up at the stairs and was like... I'm going to die there is no way I can make it up the stairs... took the elevator... paid and got my plate and sat down and popped a vicotin... love my tablemates. Good company over any meal makes it extraordinary! The speakers were fantastic. They had a children's ministry leader Rob Biagi do some songs and actions with the crowd... it was SO MUCH FUN! I wanted to bring Josh to his concert the next day but already had promised my mom she could have him as early as we could get there on Saturday. STuff like that really energizes my soul and sometimes really makes me feel like ministry is my calling... as soon as I get my life and head on track.

Drew's still sick

Good grief this child and me are now 100% equally sick of one another. He's not only SICK but he's sick of me, sick of being in this house, we're sick of each other... sick sick sick. He hasn't been able to really get out of the house and do much so I took him to Hobby Lobby with me today to get the stuff we needed for the Tiger Cub Scout meeting tonight...

while walking up the aisle he tried to lean over and smack a guy in the head... the guy worked there and was leaning over fixing some displays on a shelf...

the we were walking down the wooden stamp aisle... and he smacked a lady on the arm...

and when we got to the check out... he threw his binkie at the cashier...

Oh let me tell you... I'm just SOOO proud...

He did, on the other hand, eat an entire McDonald's hamburger (sans pickles/onions)... and only 2-3 french fries. I guess rejoice in the little things huh? I've got to or I'd just shoot myself.

Yellow shirts

It's official - I'm a yellow shirt -- I'm a Cub Scout Tiger Cub Den Leader. Tonight was my first official meeting. I had to bail about 9 and went to the Macaroni Grill... friends were much needed company - as was a good meal and a glass of wine. I love Pasta Milano - and the bread -- and the caesar salad... mmmm...

Calgon Take Me Away

Or at least take Drew away for a little while today. I have a terrible twoser! UGH… I have a cub scout meeting tonight that I have not been able to plan for the last 3 days (boomer)…and this little troll (I say that as lovingly as possible)…. Will NOT GO TO SLEEP… he’s missed preschool all week b/c he’s been sick and I’m just at my wit’s end today… I’m emotionally spent and just do not have the energy to deal with his whiney butt today! Anyone want a two year old for a year or two? J

I took him to Hobby Lobby to get some of the craft supplies for tonight’s meeting… he tried to reach out and smack a man looking at some stuff… then he DID reach out and smack a lady in the arm looking at the stamps…. And when we got to the counter to check out.. he took out his binkie and THREW IT AT THE CASHIER?!

I miss you big guy

Wherever You Are

Come out moon
Come out wishing star
Come out, come out
Wherever you are

I'm out here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I'm empty and I'm cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me
I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you
Just for a while

But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you
Because it's just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you
I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I don't know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming too
Wherever you are

Wherever you are

Thank you to my friends ...

for your outpouring of kind words and support to my email request for prayer for Josh and I through this time of loss:

If you would please say a prayer for Josh tonight and keep him in your prayers for the days to come. As most of you know our dog Boomer has lung cancer and unfortunately, his time has come. I have an appointment for him at the vet tomorrow at 5:30 to be put to rest.

As most of you know, Josh had a really hard time when we had to put Gidget down just 6 short weeks ago (skin cancer) so this coming so soon has just really shaken him up. Tonight, it just broke my heart when we spoke about it. He melted into my arms in a fit of tears asking if we can just keep him for one more day. I explained that it’s just selfish of us to keep him here with us when his body is just not working like it should anymore.

So, tomorrow at 5:15, I’ll be taking our beloved Boomer to the vet… so that he can join Gidget. It’s hard enough on me as this is really my first “baby”… and seeing the hurt in Josh’s eyes and knowing there’s nothing I can do to make that hurt go away… it’s just a killer. So if you don’t mind…. Please lift him up in prayers… I could probably use a few myself. This one is tough.

I wanted to capsulize the thoughts that came this way so that in case Josh ever wanted to know how he got through this... I can show him here how many people that we KNOW of that were praying for him....

Lisa Graham and family are praying for Josh

Gwen Kamm: I hope everything went okay today. I know it has to be hard on all of you to have 2 dogs put down in such a short period. That is one reason we put Amber and Becky down at the same time even though it probably wasn't really Becky's time. I just couldn't do it twice so close together. I'm around if you need to chat. My prayers to you and Josh

Judy Moreland: I am so sorry, honey! You are all in my prayers. It is such a hard lesson of life to learn, especially for a child. God bless you all.

Katrina Wright: Of course you both will be in our prayers! I am so sorry that you are going through this!

Cindy Green: Poor Josh...praying for him (and you)! Soooo sorry for your loss. Love ya!

Mona Seidl: I am so sorry for what you and Josh are going through! Dogs are like our children. We had a Siberian Husky, Bo, when we first got married. He was, in our opinion, the best dog in the world. After Morgan was born, we felt bad because we did not have any time to spend with Bo, so he went to live with Scott's sister in Kansas. He had a wonderful life there and was loved. When he passed away from cancer at the age of 14 human years, Sandy had him cremated and his ashes put in two separate containers. She has half and we have half, so that a part of Bo is always with us. You both are in our prayers!

Jan Fanning: I will be praying for you both!

Laura Goodwin: Oh April...I am so sorry. We will lift you both up in prayers. I know how hard this must be for you too. Please let us know if there is anything we can do you either of you. Laura

Bobbi Scoggin: My heart just breaks for all of you, especially Josh. Three months ago my 20 year old orange tabby, Ben died of lung cancer. Two weeks ago my 17 year old calico, Amie, had a stroke and died. She had loved him so much all her life, and I think she really died of a broken heart. Seeing them die is the worst part of having a pet.

Pattie Cagle: Oh my gosh. I will definitely be praying for all of you. I know how much you have always loved Boomer and Gidget. Give Josh a big hug for us and tell him that we love him. Hope to see you soon.

Angie Faver: You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

Christie Williams: Aaww, girlie I'm so sorry

Sharon Driggers: April, you know you always are in my prayers, but it breaks my heart to see Josh hurt. Let me know what I can do.

Angela Allen: That is the saddest thing ever. I remember as a kid that I was more torn up about losing my childhood dog than my parents divorcing. I am still unable to talk about it today! I will be thinking of him. And you.

Laurie Pezzot: Absolutely – I am SO sorry!

Cherie Competero: That's so sad. I am sorry to hear about 'both' your dogs. I am also sorry for your son losing a good friend & family member. That's never easy no matter what age you are. I'll pray for you all. God Bless.

Sheri Tisdale: You and Josh will both be in my prayers. at times like these you really have to turn to God and find his strength to understand. i will send Josh a sympathy card and put a couple of key verses that he can remember to help him through.

Thank you to all that are praying and thinking of us behind the scenes too...

Bye bye Boomer

It is with a very heavy heart that I make this entry tonight. It's the end of an era so to speak at my home as today at about 5:45 pm my beloved boy left us to be with Gidget.

It was just six short weeks ago that I had to make the same decision for my other "kid"... this one, however, was so much harder. With Gidget there was an actual physical presence, you could SEE she was outwardly sick. Boomer's illness (lung cancer) is an inner "thing".

Boomer was purchased as a gift from a couple in Bedford, Texas. He was Bob's and my first "kid". We used to laugh because he was jsut this roly poly little puppy that loved anything that squeaked and any kind of ball. Bob would roll him over onto his back and tickle his chest when he was a puppy and slide him back and forth calling him a "piggy piggy piggy"... and Boomer would get so worked up he'd give that little puppy bark that would be so big, it's scare him.

We had some good times...

Josh's dad was in the Air Force so he had lots of military gear... I recall one day when he came home in BDUs (camoflauge) and was cleaning out his bag of gear and found a gas mask. He put it on and went after Boomer who then went running as fast and as far away as he could. Unfortunatley for him, he ran into the walk-in closet. I know that Boomer just thought it was a monster about to eat him so he raised one leg and rolled over in fear and peed all over himself. He was a funny little dog.

At that same apartment, we discovered this little chunk's liking for food. I made a pizza... was cutting it up and had an extra pepperoni or something so I gave a nibble to him. We made our plates and went to sit on the couch. He went to hide under the coffee table (he wasn't allowed to just stare at us when we ate -- huge pet peeve of mine -- no pun intended) and when I looked down at Boomer, he had a FOUNTAIN of drool from his jaw to the floor. He was our pizza Pavlovian pooch!

Boomer also loved to hold grudges... 2 weeks after we got married and I moved onto base because Bob had been sent to Columbia. Boomer used to drag one of Bob's old shirts around to sleep on. And the day that Bob got back home, he walked into the front door. I greeted him at the door, he dropped his big bag of gear and Boomer ran up like he was so excited to see him.. then he sniffed the bag and hiked a leg and peed all over it.. yeah buddy, welcome home!

He'd get lonely during the day too... He even chewed a hole in the plastic blinds that were hanging in the living room so that he could stick his head through and watch the kids as they got off the school bus in front of our house. I know he jsut wanted to play... Most pets are so excited when you come home and walk in the door, they just want kisses, attention, to be let outside, food, etc. Boomer was like... "good youre home... throw the ball"... he lived to play ball. He'd go to the door or wherever he was so that he could wiggle his butt (he had a corkscrew tail that was just a nub with a little bald spot -- so funny) and then he'd just take off running to find a toy... any toy to bring it to you.

Boomer was so gentle... he loved to rough house with Bob... Bob taught him how to play so well. He sounded like he was about to eat your arm off but he'd just stop and kiss you... then run off and get a toy. If things got too rough and he did hurt someone just even a little bit, if you would say "ouch" he would immediately stop, raise one paw and look away.... He was the most gentle dog I've ever known.

Boomer was a survivor.... he'd had cancer on his toe before... and I had his toe removed... he survived it like a trooper. Brave dog... then a year and a half later... he had a cancerous growth on his gumline/mouth removed... nearly died because he aspirated under anestesia. It was a very scary Halloween for me that year... again, no pun intended. But he's the trooper of the bunch and he pulled through. It took a good week for him to get back to normal.

The vet in Colorado called him "aaahnold" because he was just so darn big... I called him Boomie and Boo Boo... and my "baby boomer"

Boomer was a friend... he's gotten me through the worst of times... just knowing that his presence and a kiss on the cheek was enough to make me feel better.

IN his old age he had become deaf so I had to develop a sort of sign language for him. You know when you holler "cookie" across the room and he doesn't wake up from a dead sleep where before you could open a slice of cheese and he was at your feet drooling, the hearing has gone. He'd become somewhat of a crotchety old fart. If he didn't want to get his fat butt up and waller outside well by Golly, he just weren't gonna move and you can't make him. Many a morning I'd walk into my closet (that's where he slept on the floor in a slew of afgans)... he was wrapped up all in this big blue blanket so much so that he didn't even notice that you'd ocme in, turned on the light, gotten dressed, turned the light off... he'd just be snoring away... and OH YES... he was a snorer! He could give the best man a run for his money. Which is why he slept away from me (I need QUIET!)

When Josh's dad and I divorced, I did let Boomer sleep in the bed with me... just so that if he started snoring, I could whack him with a pillow and he'd stop. He wasn't the cuddler like Gidget was... he wanted to lay with his face towards your feet...and then rip some stinky farts that would then be directed at your FACE! Oh he could clear a room all right.

As he's gotten older, and after losing the toe... his arthritis acted up which prevented him from jumping as much...and with the lung cancer and him hacking like an old emphesema patient... he really had no quality of life anymore. After his last appointment, they x-rayed his lungs and did find a mass... lung cancer.

Today he got to lie outside in the green grass and enjoy the sun... yesterday he had his last rain storm... thank goodness he's deaf now becasue thunder really used to scare him and he'd just stand up barking... Last night he enjoyed an extra half-scoop of food and I poured bacon grease all over his food with a couple of extra pieces of bacon that was left over from dinner.

Today was such a hard day for me... I really think animals DO know... he was following me around most of the day ... panting, really struggling to breathe. I wonder if he wanted me to do something about it sooner than I did... we went to the laundry room and I got the little sun yellow leash and put it around his neck adn then walked into my room where Josh was watching TV and asked Josh through tears if he'd like to say goodbye. He immediately crawled off the bed and just hugged on Boomer. When he'd finished... I walked outside and put Boomer in my car -- made sure the boys were okay and I drove away. As soon as I hit the street, I lost it. Boomemr was nose to vent with the A/C so I know that helped his little lungs a bit. We got there (it's pretty much about a minute from my house)... I let him out of the car and let him walk around a little bit... sniff... pee on trees to feel like he was leaving his mark. He really wasn't that interested so we walked toward the front door of the vet's office. I put my hand out to reach for the doorknob and literally lost it. I had to sit down on a little bench they have out front -- I'm sure it's just for situations such as that. I walked in and they knew immediately who I was and what I was there for and a nice lady whose face is a total blur took me to a room right away so that I idn'd thave to stand in the lobby with tears streaming down my face.

We were in there what seemed like an eternity... hard, cold concrete floor... two red wooden chairs and the examining table with a nice fresh baby blue towel on it. A vet tech came in to get me to sign some paperwork.... I went in and out of feelings that I'm either okay now or I'm losing it again. I wept and thought and struggled with my own guilt and wondered if he knew any of what was going on around him. He sniffed around and then turned and faced the door. He did not want to be in that room. I had to pull him toward me with the leash to get him to be near me because he just wanted to get out of that room. I wonder if those on death row feel that way when they've been led to the death chamber... is there a stench of death in there that only dogs can smell? I wonder. The vet tech left and then the vet came in and explained the process again and asked if I wanted him to be put under a bit so that he wasn't aware of what was going on before they gave him the lethal injection. I said no... She left the room and then came back in just a few minutes later with a syringe with a pink liquid in it. I picked boomer up and he lay on the little table with his back to me, legs facing them. The doctor found a vein...and I had my left arm wrapped around him and under his head with my hand on his right shoulder and my right arm over top of him petting him. My face was buried in his... and she said that she found a vein... and started the injection. THey told me that it would be fast.... I could feel his head get heavier instantly... and then he stuck out his tongue to lick his lips perhaps... and his head sunk, with hit little pink tongue sticking out... I just melted onto him telling him how sorry I was... and that I loved him.... and to say "hi" to Gidget for me. The vet tech left, the doctor listened for his heart and told me he was gone. She said I could stay as long as I needed just to let them know when I was ready. When the left the room, I jsut wept and wept and pet him... I have no idea why I continued to pet him... just to make myself feel like it made a difference... I opened his mouth and put his little tongue back inside...and right here right now while I"m recalling this entire episode... I remember thinking to myself before I went in there that if he went, I hope he gives me kiss before he does.... I think that him sticking out his tongue was his attempt to give me a kiss on the forhead to let me know that God heard my prayer but the medicine was too strong and too fast for him to finish. He passed in my arms... and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I stuck my head out after I'd had my moment with the shell of my friend.... the vet tech came back in and I gave her some paper and an ink pad that I'd wanted her to take his little paw prints for me of his front two feet. It's something I wish I'd done with Gidget... and I just had to with Boomer. With Gidget I have pictures.... with Boomer... I'll have the prints... and a big empty space in my heart.

I know it's just the timing of all this but when things that are so near and dear to you start to die off like this... it makes you scared to love anything or anyone for fear that they're going to die on you too. Life does go on... I drove home... the boys were here waiting for me... Drew said when I walke din the door "Boomer bye bye".... so I know he knows Boomer is gone. I know it hasn't sank in yet... I'm sad that I don't have the pictures... but the memories I have I hope to capture in journaling to put in his memory album.... I took his and Gidget's food bowls and put them in the recycle bin. I know it's silly but I just don't want any other animal to eat out of them. I'd rather the plastic be recycled for something else.

My heart is empty right now... the two friends that got me through some of the worst times in my life have both moved on without me... and I'm missing them tonight.

Things I think are going to be so sad for me... pulling out their stocking at Christmastime. It's silly, I know but I loved shopping for them... If boomer ever caught me stuffing the stockings... he'd sit at it up on his fanny as if he were begging me to open it b/c he knew the smell of whatever was in there was something FOR HIM! He loved thigns with a squeaker and Gidget loved to chew the squeakers out...Boomer also loved anything "plush" that was for dogs.. he'd take them and lick lick lkick lick lick lick... it was INSANE... he lived for "hot" food... he loved when I'd take his ordinary dog food and put hot water on it... and make it soft with a gravy... they sure thought they were special when they got that.

I'm going to miss him so much... he was a licker.. he loved to lick lick lick... lick the coffee table if his toy was stuck underneath it ... lick lick lick it until you'd come get his toy... he'd lick lick lick the furniture or wherever he was laying before he went to sleep... if you went to pet him, he'd lick lick lcik your leg. He just loved to give affection... and the minute you'd start petting him, he'd turn around wanting you to scratch his butt. it was so funny. Having someone "love on" him gave him power... he'd growl and bark and try to get ornery with Thor (Rotweiller)... like.. yeah, look who's scratching me..wanna piece of this big dog?

Boomer was just THE best dog I've ever had... sweet, loving, gentle, playful, and cute as a button.

...

I already took and washed all his blankets so that his smell wouldn't be on there for Sadie to be sad about... she's going to be crate trained now because she doesn't have a sleeping buddy to keep her company.

My constant companion.. my favorite four legged friend... my little Boomie is my little angel now...

my heart is heavy, my eyes are puffy... I'm writing simply in a stream-of-consciousness but I wnat these memories out on "paper" so that they're not cluttering up my head in hopes that I don't forget them.

If I were in a mood to drink right now... I'd toast my dog Boomer... the best friend a girl could have.

Telling Josh the Bad News

I had to break the bad news to Josh today that Boomer was going to be put down tomorrow... he melted into a sea of tears in my arms just asking me if we could keep him two more days...one more day...

I had to try my best to retain my composure because I knew if I lost it we'd just both be big sobbing bags of flesh... I explained to him that it wasn't fair of us... or that it was selfish of us to keep him here when his body jsut couldn't keep up with him anymore... we listened to him wheeze to breathe... he panted even when it wasn't hot. He was obviously uncomfortable.

Josh, through tear filled eyes, asked me if we were ever going to get another dog since I wasn't going to have one anymore...and I said.. no. He said NEVER? I said.. I have no plans on getting another dog. He said... then I'll share my dog with you. It's jsut things like that ... that come out of this young child's mouth that although he may not have it all together... he knows what it's all about. This is just the sweetest, selfless, non-agressive, wonderful child... he's so thoughtful... and that just makes me so proud.

We continued to talk ... about Josh's day, gymnastics, etc. We hugged... he picked at his food... we both pet Boomer. and Josh wanted the dogs to sleep upstairs in his room. I said I'd bring tehm up there at about 10:30 after I could let them out one more time before bedtime... Boomer didn't want to go ANYWHERE... he was comfy and snoring I carried Sadie to his room and she wanted NO PART of sleeping someplace weird.. so I awakened to the thud of a finger on my forehead at 1:30 a.m. to Josh asking me why the dogs weren't in his room. I had to explain all this to him... lol... at 1 freaking 30 in the morning. He got it... and went back to bed... or so I thought, told me he coudln't quietly get the gate open so I got up and helped him (safety gates for drew the nomad) and he slept til morning.

------------------------------------

I guess I should also mention that this is the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings in NYC.... I started watching a show about them but was just so upset about boomer I couldnt' even comprehend and was overly emotional about it so I turned it off and went to bed. Do you remember where you were when it happened?

I've Been Excommunicated

I'd written about this before.... the lady that runs the playgroup in my HOA apparently wants to play HITLER and pick and choose who can be allowed in the playgroup. I've sent her 3 e-mail requests and left her a voice mail - she won't return anything. I finally contacted the SIG (special interest group) coordinator and asked her to find out what the hell was going on. Apparently she wants to talk to her over the phone ... I'm like... ??? What in the HELL did Drew do to anyone that would keep him from being able to PLAY with kids in his own neighborhood.

You know what, if she just has it out for me then, I don’t feel like me OR my son would be welcome at anything. I know when I went to a local scrapbooking crop at Recollections, one of the ladies was on the phone to Kandren…. And she specifically asked her (all of these women were from Hidden Lakes) if I was there? I’m like… ??? why do you care if I’m here or not. So she obviously has it out for me in some regard. Life is too short to be on someone’s personal vendetta list over nothing….. so I’m just going to drop the issue and she can “win”. I just feel like Drew is the one missing out because of her childishness.

Honestly, I have no idea what the problem is whatsoever as I’ve never done or said anything to/about/against her at all (except on my blog but it’s MY blog on MY website and it’s MY opinion). The last event I attended went to was a St. Patrick’s Day party at another mom’s house…. I was there, brought food, mingled with the ladies and left before the crowd??? There wasn’t any sort of bad blood?

As you said, however, drama is right… I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t just want to have a big, fun playgroup…. I guess it’s more fun to be Hitler and pick and choose who is playgroup worthy.

Something I WOULD like to say however, is that I don’t see how this can be advertised as a “Hidden Lakes” playgroup. If she wants her own personal playgroup, I think that THIS ONE needs to come off the SIG website and someone needs to start one that truly IS for HL. Because if everyone isn’t welcome, then it’s really not a Hidden Lakes thing… it’s a Kandren thing.

Thanks for trying… I guess I’ll just try to make friends with kids outside my neighborhood. Nothing like feeling unwelcome in your neighborhood.

Note to Self - Never Dine With a 2 Year Old

Church this morning was AWESOME! We had a visitor deliver the sermon who was a published author -- something about fathering the fatherless in the fields or something like that... he was PHENOMENAL! I was moved to tears on several occasions. The message with the music is so powerful... it makes you want to really make a difference in the world.... even me... just one person... it makes me feel powerful and worthy. Josh even sat in church with me -- big people church. I think the message made him sad on a couple of occasions. He looked like he was tearing up. The message was about all the children -- God's children -- around the world that need our help... with just basic needs like food and water... shelter... education... healing... to try to move people and empower people to help... one at a time to help make a difference so that they know they're not forgotten...so that they know that there is people praying for them and that there is a God that loves them and knows their suffering...and it's not in vain... that there IS compassion out there for the forgotten children.

The rest of the day paled in comparison to this heart message... But the reason for the title of this post...

Mom called today and wanted to take us to dinner at Catfish & Co. I said, of course. Josh loves eating fried catfish... and I've got one more day of "non diet" before reality of going back on Weight Watchers settles in. I thought I'd gained like 10 lbs.. I gained 3 back of what I'd lost so back on the wagon, so to speak.

I would honestly have someone stick bamboo shoots beneath my fingernails, poke needles in my eyes, sever a limb or carve their initials in my back with a spatula than have to go out to eat with "the Terror". His grandmother said that her side of the family was due for another one like him... and boy... I"m getting paid back for all sorts of thigns I never did. If I didn't have such a chip on my shoulder about it I'd say I felt like Jesus... bearing the brunt of the sins for the world... he is a TERROR lately...

hitting - pinching - smacking - crawling - defiance to your face - pulling the dog's tail - kicking Boomer (yes, my old fat dog that has lung cancer), throwing things at Josh (like the remote control or his legos), refusing to eat, throwing his food, moving furniture to jump from the end table to the sofa... crawling up the chairs and trying to stand on the bar, climbing the bar stools nearly knocking the fish over... and that's just in about 15 minutes. I am literally exhausted, overly frustrated and just angry. I do not like being hit... I do not like being pinched... I do not like feeling like he's completely out of control???

And tonight... he crawled out of his crib today so he got a toddler bed today. His bedtime was 7:30... he's just amazed with his new found freedom and is upstairs walking around his room, pulling the winnie the pooh musicbox balloon that hangs on his door... beating on something right now... it's going to be a long night... I'm not going in there at all... he's going to have to figure out that he has to stay in bed.

Josh was SUCH a blessing and such a sweet child and now I feel like I'm raising a complete stranger... that's just mean spirited and hateful when he's awake. HE knows when he's done something wrong though because he comes up and says "bih ug" (big hug)... but thta's just him going through the motions. I know as a mom you aren't supposed to take this stuff personally but this is my flesh and blood and he's so mean spirited and so callous and rude and hateful that it is really honestly bothering me....what in the world am I doing wrong? I Hope he gets a good night's sleep.... somewhere in his room.

The price of drawers

I went to Victoria’s Secret today to buy bras and undies…. And good GRIEF I spent $161 there! Is that not the most insane thing you ever heard?

I’ll have to admit though that they have the only bras I can wear… and they’re like $36 each… and the undies are $5 a pair but they are THE most comfortable ever in the world! And then they have all these cute new styles out that you just gotta get a few of those to try them on…and I never have to worry about what size to get because the size I always buy.. ALWAYS fits me so there’s no second guessing but DANG man…LOL….

It’s been a busy couple of days!

I also went to linen’s n things and got me a new barstool to use with my scrapping island. It’s awesome! We went to Petco to get a crate to train Sadie so that she won’t think my room is her toilet.