Happy New Year

This year has left much to be desired so I've decided in all my humility, hard times, emotional setbacks and breakdowns that, frankly, this new year couldn't get any worse than 2006 so I'm actually looking forward to a fresh start with many great changes in the weeks and months to come.

I've learned a lot in this last year....lots of relearning... things I already knew but have had to re-examine with a fresh set of eyes.

I've learned that sometimes you just have to let go and give it to God.

I've learned that my children are my biggest treasure and accomplishment.

I've learned that you can't make people love... or even like you... they either just do or they don't. It's just that simple.

I've learned that sometimes you just have to sever ties with someone that poisons your soul -- no matter how hard it may hurt... in the end, you have to look out for yourself, your family, your children.

I've learned that I really miss having my best friend around.

I've learned that I am strong enough to just be me -- and that is good enough.

I've learned that I'm never going to be a size 4 again... and that I really AM okay with it. Now getting down to a size 6 still.... that's a goal but I'm actually comfortable in an 8... as long as they stay loose.

I've learned that I have a heart and love for working with children...

I've learned I need to finish what I start...


Have I made any New Year's Resolutions? I've made a few...

- to learn to say "no" so that I'm not over-scheduled, over-committed, over-stressed

- to scrapbook at least 5 layouts a week -- they can be either one or two page layouts but that will keep me on track and get me using my stuff up

- to get handmade birthday cards made a month in advance for all my upcoming birthdays

I've got a scrap calendar I've started (but still need to finish -hence the previously stated resolution) over the last few weeks so that I'm on top of my projects that I want to work on so that nothing catches me by surprise and leaves me with no time to be creative.

I have taken several trips this year... my most favorite was Colorado.... it's just "home" to me. I can't wait to go back in February. I know the boys will just love it. It will be fun to hit the slopes.

I've had a few medical issues this year that I could stand to erase from my memory and body but I guess they make us who we are. When you get through something challenging -- you have to realize if it doesn't break you, it only makes you stronger. I haven't found all the strength yet from a few of them... but I have faith that I will get there someday.

I have begun to say prayers again... and even say them for me. I have begun to say a blessing over my children at night so that they learn to hear prayers from my lips and not just recite sing-songy rhyming words. I wnat them to know to be truly thankful in their hearts for the many blessings that have been bestowed upon them... and that throughout all the changes in their lives, that they are loved by many people. How lucky they are to have so many people that love them.

I've had many positive changes in my life over the last few weeks.... and I can only say that the moving forward will be a good, cleansing move for my heart and soul.

And although this is totally off topic for a "happy new year post", please keep Drew in your prayers tonight as his temperature is continuing to spike. It's back up near 104. My new year is spent with a very sick little boy - an exhausted mom - a grumbly stomach .... and a partridge in a pear tree.

I wish all my friends, loved ones and family the most wonderful new year... I hope you have many blessings in the coming year.

I'm so happy to say goodbye to 2006... and hello 2007!

Six Flags

I thought Drew was on the mend so since I had no other plans, I took him to Six Flags. We paid to park, I found a place I'd remember (the same place I parked when I took Josh and Sam), and we started to walk in. I took a backpack full of gear - snacks, drinks, etc. and Drew wanted to walk so I held his hand and we started for the park. We parked near the bobsled ride and we had dto stop and watch it for a good 5 minutes... he thought that was the neatest thing he'd ever seen. We got in and he immediately saw the carousel but on the way there he was distracted by the water fountains so we stared at them dancing to the holiday music playing throughout the park.

We walked to Looney Tunes Land and he was just in awe at the sights, sounds, smells... and then he saw them... the big semis to drive. I asked him if he wanted to drive and he said "kay". We walked and waited in line. He did so well in line... we had to wait for three times to go before we got our turn. I let him pick out the color of truck we rode - he didn't care for the color, he wanted the front one. So up we climbed to the top and waited for the ride to start. They aparently had trouble getting one kiddon in or out so we were able to sit atop and look at the surrounding rides. There was a bus that basically went around and around up in the air... like it was on the end of the hands of a clock. Every time it went up to the top, the kids in it all screamed with delight. I saw Drew spying that and asked him if he wanted to ride and he gave me that "are you freakin crazy lady" look and said very quickly, "NO". So then our truck started... he said "there gooooooooo" and we were off. Every time we went around a corner, I'd tell him to "turn turn turn"... and he'd get that wheel just flying. He really thought he was in control of the whole ride. So it was finished and he again, spied the bus so I asked him again, do you want to ride that? He said "kay".... I was floored.

We got in line and she measured him (I thought he was too short)....but she said, "as long as mommy rides with you, you can ride" so he said "mom come-mere" and we boarded the bus. When it first started, I wasn't sure if he realized what he was in for.. I think he, for a spilt second, wondered what the heck he was doing... then the heard the spunky voice of the teenager operating the ride, "when you get to the top, scream as loud as you can" so he did. He had that high-pitched shrill that only the bats could hear. The she said, "raise your arms as high as you can and SCREAM".... and he did... it was SO cute. I'd have killed to have had video of that.

After that was done, he wanted to check out other stuff so we walked around for a bit... we went to see the Judge Roy Scream... he said, "momma, I ride?" I said, no, you're not big enough now... (we went through the exit so he could watch). On the way back, he saw a plane ride and so I let him watch. He was SO excited... wanted to try it... i was excited for him too until I realized that he had to ride BY HIMSELF. I knoew he'd be crawling out screaming for me when it was at the top... a little boy ... probably 5 was in the front seat, Drew was in the rear. I pulled that seatbelt down as far as it'd go... and did that Catholic thing (you know... touch your head.. and each shoulder kinda thing) in my head... just saying.... good God, I can't believe I just strapped my TWO YEAR OLD in a flying ride.... he's going to kill himself and I'm going to be standing here watching... then it took off... and the little boy raised up the control and they were up in the sky and I saw something AMAZING... Drew was LAUGHING. He was SO excited... He did look around and call for me a couple of times, but he just couldn't get his bearing on where I was. The ride was done, they came down and I oculdn't wait for the exit gate to open so I could go in and scoop him up. And he said "momma, I fly".... he was so proud of himself. And I was so proud of him.

We got in line for one ride, they had to shut it down b/c of the wind.... we stopped and had a snack.. we rode his favorites a couple more times... carousel, etc. His nose started running and since I didn'dt take a stroller, this little man was walked out! I asked him if he wanted his binkie and go to home and he said "yep" so away we went.

It's good to have bonding days like that... lets you just get away and have some fun.

A Blast from the Past

I ran into a girlfriend of mine from ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!?! She's an attorney now... I had an interview with her. How fun was that?! She is still just as adorable as she ever was. I'm trying to get the feelers out for something in Tarrant County until I decide what my calling is. Wish me luck!

Friday the 13th -- Moo Ha Ha Ha

Took the boys to After Dark At The Park at River Legacy Park in Arlington... seemed like the event was getting smaller and smaller each year. I'm TIRED! It was fun... got glow necklaces... drew threw popcorn everywhere... Josh made a couple of crafts and away we go! :)

Pop goes the weasel

The cyst ruptured on Monday on my drive back from Oklahoma. It honestly didn't hurt as badly as I'd expected it to but as long as I didn't move, I was okay until it disapated. I had a dr's appointment today... hopefully I'm all on the mend... at least physically. Emotionally I'm just a train wreck.

Can we catch that plane?

I felt like the melody of "stop that pidgeon" was playing as I was racing down Hwy 114 trying to get Josh to the airport in time to make his plane to Iowa to see his dad for his fall break. it's amazing how when you need to be somewhere and feel like you've left in plenty of time to get there people can just all congregate on the highway and not move like I wanted to be part of their insurance seminar. Uh... no! We made it to the airport... and sometimes I think it's a good thing that we do get there in the nick of time because otherwise, I usually get so sad and mopey. He hates it when I cry when he leaves though I do every time. Not on all out boo-hoo session but I definitely get teary eyed. I think, too, it's good for him because it keeps him distracted and he doesn't get scared.

I've had such a hard time with him lately... I've overheard several phone calls with him and his dad and some of the things he has said just seemed kind of peculiar so I asked him point blank range the other day... "Josh, do you talk to your dad about moving to Iowa?" He replied, "yep... I mean, yes" (we work on the "yep's" to adults... big no no in my book). I said, "oh really, how often" and he said that they speak about it every time they're on the phone. After talking with his dad I realize that what he meant was that when his dad would say something like "oh we did such and such. wish you'd have been here"... Josh takes it literally. Basically what it all boils down to is that Josh thinks living up there will be Disneyland ... because, well, he IS a "Disneyland Dad" and that's NOT a bad thing by any means, it just gives Josh a distorted view of reality. So after a couple of days of being able to maintain my composure on the subject, I asked him why he wanted to move up there and he had a laundry list of items... all of which were "fun" things ... we go to the lake, we have a house boat to jump off of, we go on trips to Ohio, we go ride dirt bikes. I explained to him that when he goes up there I WANT him to be excited and do all kinds of fun things andmake great memories and have fun times but if he were to live there every day, it would be like it is here... rules, bedtimes, school, etc. It's not all about fun and games. I attempted to explain that his dad takes off work (I'm assuming) JUST to spend time with him while he is there but if he lived there, he'd be in daycare probably both before AND after school... meaning early mornings and not as many extra curriculuar activities. Got home from dinner and was upset so I started cleaning (which is what I do)... and Josh came downstairs and I just heard "mom... I can't... sllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" and he lost it. he was just so burdened by this guilt of trying to please his dad by moving up there and then knowing he was going to make everyone else sad if he moved away. It just broke my heart. I finally got it out of him that he did NOT want to move but that he missed his dad. He wanted his dad to be more involved with the things he did and he wanted to spend more time with him. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old that his dad chose to move away... that he knew it would be hard on everyone but he did what he had to do for him and Kelly (his new wife). I said how sorry I was that he was in the middle of it but I did tell him that it's okay to be sad and that it's okay to miss his dad but trying to move away from everythign he knows and has known as his way of life since his dad moved away wouldn't make his heart feel any better. I said your dad already KNOWS what life is like without you... none of us do.

I just think... of all the things I do and have done for Josh's dad to try to keep him involved... I scan in school work, report cards, schedules, order forms for photos, etc I try to keep him in the loop and give him every opportunity TO be involved... but he never does nor is he ever interested. i just know that he'd never recriprocate with me and basically I'd lose my son if he moved up there.

Josh is SO sensitive to people's feelings (except his brother's)...and generally he's more worried about hurting someone's feelings than about his own. He has such a great compassion for humanity and I'm so proud of him but sometimes I just want him to stand up for HIMSELF!

Then Josh leaves to go to Iowa... and even after his dad knows how bad he misses him and how hard a time this has been on him...does he keep him for the full fall break? No.. he keeps him 4 nights and sends him home on Wednesday (early)... ??? I just don't get it... and I can't tell Josh stuff like this... because I'm not one of THOSE parents that speaks ill of children's absent parents... but man... sometimes I'd just like to. :(

Everyone says that some day he'll figure it out... I Just don't think he will... Josh's dad can do no wrong in his eyes.

He's Been PINNED!

My wonderful little Cub Scout earned his Bob Cat Badge and I got to pin it on him at the Pack meeting last night. I was so proud of him. He's really worked hard (as have all the guys -- as they ALL earned them). I have a wonderful pack of over-achievers! I love it! (just kidding).... This was MY first pack meeting as a Leader... and my boys first as official Cub Scouts. They did a GREAT JOB!!!

Friends For Ever

Josh had his best friend Jackson spend the night last night and I took them to school this morning. Jackson's little brother, Wyatt, was having surgery at the hospital this morning and they had to be there quite early. I knew my friend Lisa and her husband Shannon really needed to spend some QT with their little guy and at times like that you just do whatever you have to for those that mean the most to you. She's SUCH a wonderful friend...

Lord, I lift up this family in prayer to you. Please guide the doctor's hands... be with Lisa as they take her baby ... be with Shannon to be strong for them all... be with Wyatt to keep his heart calm and help him be brave... be with Lisa's mom watching her grandbaby go through this... Let them work steady and surely and give him a fast, immediate and complete recovery. Be with them all, I ask this of you. Amen.

Hear the call of the wild

I met with my Cub Scout troop (yes, if you don't recall, I'm the overachiever that has to take on every volunteer opportunity known to man) and we toured the Fort Worth Zoo for our first official "Go See It". I had each child prepare a little speech about a specific animal... it was quite adorable watching them give their official schpeels. It would have been a great day but we had to eat eventually... and that meant standing in line for a stupid mini pizza for like what seemed about 40 minutes. I have NEVER in my LIFE seen anyplace move so slow. There has GOT to be a way to make that place move faster. I'd almost have rather starved than had to wait for pizza. Bees swarm EVERYWHERE there is a place to eat or a trash can. Me and anything that buzzes and flies just simply do NOT mix. I"m usually the one seen running with flailing arms screaming high-ultra-sonic screams that only the bats hear. It's quite embarrassing but hey, I've never been bit and really don't want to start now.

Delight in the smallish of things

Today on the way to preschool... completely umprompted... undirected... Drew told me he loved me... he pulled out his navy blue mickey mouse binkie and looked at me... We were at a red light and I turned around and smiled at him... and he said "eye dutch chew" : ) it was such a warm fuzzy moment that I can't even begin to put into words... it was so needed and such a little piece of happiness.... Im going to treasure this little memory and hold it close and treat it as precious as a chung of gold... moments like that make me realize that it really IS worth all the heartache and trouble. :)

To Wylie or Bust

Got up and took my big kiddo to grandmas... took my little kiddo to Wylie to Peggy & Gordon's... he did great... i was impressed. He got to play in the hot tub... didn't eat well but still ahd a good time..took a good nap in Jada's crib... played with Jack. We got home and I pretty much tried to get him to eat anything, he wouldn't and so it was just like... to bed young man... and I was in bed by 9:30... wasn't feeling good... nauseated... sore throat...

Did it Pop?

Took the sick-o to the doctor. He has a sinus infection. Got an rx for him and took him home... I put him down for a nap at about 12:30 but he didn't go down for a nap until 5.... I finally got sick of listening to him while i was laying in my bed that I just went up there and got him. Oh well... no nap for me.

Tonight was the Fall Children's MInistry Kick-Off at church. It was FANtastic... I thought I was going to die before I got there, however. I was on the phone with my mom when I got there... and the MOMENT I pulled into the parking lot I thought someone had slit my stomach open... i was in LABOR type pain... it was unbelievable...all I could think was did that cyst pop?

I walked funny from the car to the building... got inside... went straight to the bathroom.... thought maybe -- ok, it's gross -- but maybe I jsut needed to go to the bathroom... but I didn't... it still hurt BAD... bad bad bad... I got out and was walking out and then looked up at the stairs and was like... I'm going to die there is no way I can make it up the stairs... took the elevator... paid and got my plate and sat down and popped a vicotin... love my tablemates. Good company over any meal makes it extraordinary! The speakers were fantastic. They had a children's ministry leader Rob Biagi do some songs and actions with the crowd... it was SO MUCH FUN! I wanted to bring Josh to his concert the next day but already had promised my mom she could have him as early as we could get there on Saturday. STuff like that really energizes my soul and sometimes really makes me feel like ministry is my calling... as soon as I get my life and head on track.

Drew's still sick

Good grief this child and me are now 100% equally sick of one another. He's not only SICK but he's sick of me, sick of being in this house, we're sick of each other... sick sick sick. He hasn't been able to really get out of the house and do much so I took him to Hobby Lobby with me today to get the stuff we needed for the Tiger Cub Scout meeting tonight...

while walking up the aisle he tried to lean over and smack a guy in the head... the guy worked there and was leaning over fixing some displays on a shelf...

the we were walking down the wooden stamp aisle... and he smacked a lady on the arm...

and when we got to the check out... he threw his binkie at the cashier...

Oh let me tell you... I'm just SOOO proud...

He did, on the other hand, eat an entire McDonald's hamburger (sans pickles/onions)... and only 2-3 french fries. I guess rejoice in the little things huh? I've got to or I'd just shoot myself.

Yellow shirts

It's official - I'm a yellow shirt -- I'm a Cub Scout Tiger Cub Den Leader. Tonight was my first official meeting. I had to bail about 9 and went to the Macaroni Grill... friends were much needed company - as was a good meal and a glass of wine. I love Pasta Milano - and the bread -- and the caesar salad... mmmm...

Calgon Take Me Away

Or at least take Drew away for a little while today. I have a terrible twoser! UGH… I have a cub scout meeting tonight that I have not been able to plan for the last 3 days (boomer)…and this little troll (I say that as lovingly as possible)…. Will NOT GO TO SLEEP… he’s missed preschool all week b/c he’s been sick and I’m just at my wit’s end today… I’m emotionally spent and just do not have the energy to deal with his whiney butt today! Anyone want a two year old for a year or two? J

I took him to Hobby Lobby to get some of the craft supplies for tonight’s meeting… he tried to reach out and smack a man looking at some stuff… then he DID reach out and smack a lady in the arm looking at the stamps…. And when we got to the counter to check out.. he took out his binkie and THREW IT AT THE CASHIER?!

I miss you big guy

Wherever You Are

Come out moon
Come out wishing star
Come out, come out
Wherever you are

I'm out here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I'm empty and I'm cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me
I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you
Just for a while

But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you
Because it's just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you
I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I don't know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming too
Wherever you are

Wherever you are

Thank you to my friends ...

for your outpouring of kind words and support to my email request for prayer for Josh and I through this time of loss:

If you would please say a prayer for Josh tonight and keep him in your prayers for the days to come. As most of you know our dog Boomer has lung cancer and unfortunately, his time has come. I have an appointment for him at the vet tomorrow at 5:30 to be put to rest.

As most of you know, Josh had a really hard time when we had to put Gidget down just 6 short weeks ago (skin cancer) so this coming so soon has just really shaken him up. Tonight, it just broke my heart when we spoke about it. He melted into my arms in a fit of tears asking if we can just keep him for one more day. I explained that it’s just selfish of us to keep him here with us when his body is just not working like it should anymore.

So, tomorrow at 5:15, I’ll be taking our beloved Boomer to the vet… so that he can join Gidget. It’s hard enough on me as this is really my first “baby”… and seeing the hurt in Josh’s eyes and knowing there’s nothing I can do to make that hurt go away… it’s just a killer. So if you don’t mind…. Please lift him up in prayers… I could probably use a few myself. This one is tough.

I wanted to capsulize the thoughts that came this way so that in case Josh ever wanted to know how he got through this... I can show him here how many people that we KNOW of that were praying for him....

Lisa Graham and family are praying for Josh

Gwen Kamm: I hope everything went okay today. I know it has to be hard on all of you to have 2 dogs put down in such a short period. That is one reason we put Amber and Becky down at the same time even though it probably wasn't really Becky's time. I just couldn't do it twice so close together. I'm around if you need to chat. My prayers to you and Josh

Judy Moreland: I am so sorry, honey! You are all in my prayers. It is such a hard lesson of life to learn, especially for a child. God bless you all.

Katrina Wright: Of course you both will be in our prayers! I am so sorry that you are going through this!

Cindy Green: Poor Josh...praying for him (and you)! Soooo sorry for your loss. Love ya!

Mona Seidl: I am so sorry for what you and Josh are going through! Dogs are like our children. We had a Siberian Husky, Bo, when we first got married. He was, in our opinion, the best dog in the world. After Morgan was born, we felt bad because we did not have any time to spend with Bo, so he went to live with Scott's sister in Kansas. He had a wonderful life there and was loved. When he passed away from cancer at the age of 14 human years, Sandy had him cremated and his ashes put in two separate containers. She has half and we have half, so that a part of Bo is always with us. You both are in our prayers!

Jan Fanning: I will be praying for you both!

Laura Goodwin: Oh April...I am so sorry. We will lift you both up in prayers. I know how hard this must be for you too. Please let us know if there is anything we can do you either of you. Laura

Bobbi Scoggin: My heart just breaks for all of you, especially Josh. Three months ago my 20 year old orange tabby, Ben died of lung cancer. Two weeks ago my 17 year old calico, Amie, had a stroke and died. She had loved him so much all her life, and I think she really died of a broken heart. Seeing them die is the worst part of having a pet.

Pattie Cagle: Oh my gosh. I will definitely be praying for all of you. I know how much you have always loved Boomer and Gidget. Give Josh a big hug for us and tell him that we love him. Hope to see you soon.

Angie Faver: You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

Christie Williams: Aaww, girlie I'm so sorry

Sharon Driggers: April, you know you always are in my prayers, but it breaks my heart to see Josh hurt. Let me know what I can do.

Angela Allen: That is the saddest thing ever. I remember as a kid that I was more torn up about losing my childhood dog than my parents divorcing. I am still unable to talk about it today! I will be thinking of him. And you.

Laurie Pezzot: Absolutely – I am SO sorry!

Cherie Competero: That's so sad. I am sorry to hear about 'both' your dogs. I am also sorry for your son losing a good friend & family member. That's never easy no matter what age you are. I'll pray for you all. God Bless.

Sheri Tisdale: You and Josh will both be in my prayers. at times like these you really have to turn to God and find his strength to understand. i will send Josh a sympathy card and put a couple of key verses that he can remember to help him through.

Thank you to all that are praying and thinking of us behind the scenes too...

Bye bye Boomer

It is with a very heavy heart that I make this entry tonight. It's the end of an era so to speak at my home as today at about 5:45 pm my beloved boy left us to be with Gidget.

It was just six short weeks ago that I had to make the same decision for my other "kid"... this one, however, was so much harder. With Gidget there was an actual physical presence, you could SEE she was outwardly sick. Boomer's illness (lung cancer) is an inner "thing".

Boomer was purchased as a gift from a couple in Bedford, Texas. He was Bob's and my first "kid". We used to laugh because he was jsut this roly poly little puppy that loved anything that squeaked and any kind of ball. Bob would roll him over onto his back and tickle his chest when he was a puppy and slide him back and forth calling him a "piggy piggy piggy"... and Boomer would get so worked up he'd give that little puppy bark that would be so big, it's scare him.

We had some good times...

Josh's dad was in the Air Force so he had lots of military gear... I recall one day when he came home in BDUs (camoflauge) and was cleaning out his bag of gear and found a gas mask. He put it on and went after Boomer who then went running as fast and as far away as he could. Unfortunatley for him, he ran into the walk-in closet. I know that Boomer just thought it was a monster about to eat him so he raised one leg and rolled over in fear and peed all over himself. He was a funny little dog.

At that same apartment, we discovered this little chunk's liking for food. I made a pizza... was cutting it up and had an extra pepperoni or something so I gave a nibble to him. We made our plates and went to sit on the couch. He went to hide under the coffee table (he wasn't allowed to just stare at us when we ate -- huge pet peeve of mine -- no pun intended) and when I looked down at Boomer, he had a FOUNTAIN of drool from his jaw to the floor. He was our pizza Pavlovian pooch!

Boomer also loved to hold grudges... 2 weeks after we got married and I moved onto base because Bob had been sent to Columbia. Boomer used to drag one of Bob's old shirts around to sleep on. And the day that Bob got back home, he walked into the front door. I greeted him at the door, he dropped his big bag of gear and Boomer ran up like he was so excited to see him.. then he sniffed the bag and hiked a leg and peed all over it.. yeah buddy, welcome home!

He'd get lonely during the day too... He even chewed a hole in the plastic blinds that were hanging in the living room so that he could stick his head through and watch the kids as they got off the school bus in front of our house. I know he jsut wanted to play... Most pets are so excited when you come home and walk in the door, they just want kisses, attention, to be let outside, food, etc. Boomer was like... "good youre home... throw the ball"... he lived to play ball. He'd go to the door or wherever he was so that he could wiggle his butt (he had a corkscrew tail that was just a nub with a little bald spot -- so funny) and then he'd just take off running to find a toy... any toy to bring it to you.

Boomer was so gentle... he loved to rough house with Bob... Bob taught him how to play so well. He sounded like he was about to eat your arm off but he'd just stop and kiss you... then run off and get a toy. If things got too rough and he did hurt someone just even a little bit, if you would say "ouch" he would immediately stop, raise one paw and look away.... He was the most gentle dog I've ever known.

Boomer was a survivor.... he'd had cancer on his toe before... and I had his toe removed... he survived it like a trooper. Brave dog... then a year and a half later... he had a cancerous growth on his gumline/mouth removed... nearly died because he aspirated under anestesia. It was a very scary Halloween for me that year... again, no pun intended. But he's the trooper of the bunch and he pulled through. It took a good week for him to get back to normal.

The vet in Colorado called him "aaahnold" because he was just so darn big... I called him Boomie and Boo Boo... and my "baby boomer"

Boomer was a friend... he's gotten me through the worst of times... just knowing that his presence and a kiss on the cheek was enough to make me feel better.

IN his old age he had become deaf so I had to develop a sort of sign language for him. You know when you holler "cookie" across the room and he doesn't wake up from a dead sleep where before you could open a slice of cheese and he was at your feet drooling, the hearing has gone. He'd become somewhat of a crotchety old fart. If he didn't want to get his fat butt up and waller outside well by Golly, he just weren't gonna move and you can't make him. Many a morning I'd walk into my closet (that's where he slept on the floor in a slew of afgans)... he was wrapped up all in this big blue blanket so much so that he didn't even notice that you'd ocme in, turned on the light, gotten dressed, turned the light off... he'd just be snoring away... and OH YES... he was a snorer! He could give the best man a run for his money. Which is why he slept away from me (I need QUIET!)

When Josh's dad and I divorced, I did let Boomer sleep in the bed with me... just so that if he started snoring, I could whack him with a pillow and he'd stop. He wasn't the cuddler like Gidget was... he wanted to lay with his face towards your feet...and then rip some stinky farts that would then be directed at your FACE! Oh he could clear a room all right.

As he's gotten older, and after losing the toe... his arthritis acted up which prevented him from jumping as much...and with the lung cancer and him hacking like an old emphesema patient... he really had no quality of life anymore. After his last appointment, they x-rayed his lungs and did find a mass... lung cancer.

Today he got to lie outside in the green grass and enjoy the sun... yesterday he had his last rain storm... thank goodness he's deaf now becasue thunder really used to scare him and he'd just stand up barking... Last night he enjoyed an extra half-scoop of food and I poured bacon grease all over his food with a couple of extra pieces of bacon that was left over from dinner.

Today was such a hard day for me... I really think animals DO know... he was following me around most of the day ... panting, really struggling to breathe. I wonder if he wanted me to do something about it sooner than I did... we went to the laundry room and I got the little sun yellow leash and put it around his neck adn then walked into my room where Josh was watching TV and asked Josh through tears if he'd like to say goodbye. He immediately crawled off the bed and just hugged on Boomer. When he'd finished... I walked outside and put Boomer in my car -- made sure the boys were okay and I drove away. As soon as I hit the street, I lost it. Boomemr was nose to vent with the A/C so I know that helped his little lungs a bit. We got there (it's pretty much about a minute from my house)... I let him out of the car and let him walk around a little bit... sniff... pee on trees to feel like he was leaving his mark. He really wasn't that interested so we walked toward the front door of the vet's office. I put my hand out to reach for the doorknob and literally lost it. I had to sit down on a little bench they have out front -- I'm sure it's just for situations such as that. I walked in and they knew immediately who I was and what I was there for and a nice lady whose face is a total blur took me to a room right away so that I idn'd thave to stand in the lobby with tears streaming down my face.

We were in there what seemed like an eternity... hard, cold concrete floor... two red wooden chairs and the examining table with a nice fresh baby blue towel on it. A vet tech came in to get me to sign some paperwork.... I went in and out of feelings that I'm either okay now or I'm losing it again. I wept and thought and struggled with my own guilt and wondered if he knew any of what was going on around him. He sniffed around and then turned and faced the door. He did not want to be in that room. I had to pull him toward me with the leash to get him to be near me because he just wanted to get out of that room. I wonder if those on death row feel that way when they've been led to the death chamber... is there a stench of death in there that only dogs can smell? I wonder. The vet tech left and then the vet came in and explained the process again and asked if I wanted him to be put under a bit so that he wasn't aware of what was going on before they gave him the lethal injection. I said no... She left the room and then came back in just a few minutes later with a syringe with a pink liquid in it. I picked boomer up and he lay on the little table with his back to me, legs facing them. The doctor found a vein...and I had my left arm wrapped around him and under his head with my hand on his right shoulder and my right arm over top of him petting him. My face was buried in his... and she said that she found a vein... and started the injection. THey told me that it would be fast.... I could feel his head get heavier instantly... and then he stuck out his tongue to lick his lips perhaps... and his head sunk, with hit little pink tongue sticking out... I just melted onto him telling him how sorry I was... and that I loved him.... and to say "hi" to Gidget for me. The vet tech left, the doctor listened for his heart and told me he was gone. She said I could stay as long as I needed just to let them know when I was ready. When the left the room, I jsut wept and wept and pet him... I have no idea why I continued to pet him... just to make myself feel like it made a difference... I opened his mouth and put his little tongue back inside...and right here right now while I"m recalling this entire episode... I remember thinking to myself before I went in there that if he went, I hope he gives me kiss before he does.... I think that him sticking out his tongue was his attempt to give me a kiss on the forhead to let me know that God heard my prayer but the medicine was too strong and too fast for him to finish. He passed in my arms... and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I stuck my head out after I'd had my moment with the shell of my friend.... the vet tech came back in and I gave her some paper and an ink pad that I'd wanted her to take his little paw prints for me of his front two feet. It's something I wish I'd done with Gidget... and I just had to with Boomer. With Gidget I have pictures.... with Boomer... I'll have the prints... and a big empty space in my heart.

I know it's just the timing of all this but when things that are so near and dear to you start to die off like this... it makes you scared to love anything or anyone for fear that they're going to die on you too. Life does go on... I drove home... the boys were here waiting for me... Drew said when I walke din the door "Boomer bye bye".... so I know he knows Boomer is gone. I know it hasn't sank in yet... I'm sad that I don't have the pictures... but the memories I have I hope to capture in journaling to put in his memory album.... I took his and Gidget's food bowls and put them in the recycle bin. I know it's silly but I just don't want any other animal to eat out of them. I'd rather the plastic be recycled for something else.

My heart is empty right now... the two friends that got me through some of the worst times in my life have both moved on without me... and I'm missing them tonight.

Things I think are going to be so sad for me... pulling out their stocking at Christmastime. It's silly, I know but I loved shopping for them... If boomer ever caught me stuffing the stockings... he'd sit at it up on his fanny as if he were begging me to open it b/c he knew the smell of whatever was in there was something FOR HIM! He loved thigns with a squeaker and Gidget loved to chew the squeakers out...Boomer also loved anything "plush" that was for dogs.. he'd take them and lick lick lkick lick lick lick... it was INSANE... he lived for "hot" food... he loved when I'd take his ordinary dog food and put hot water on it... and make it soft with a gravy... they sure thought they were special when they got that.

I'm going to miss him so much... he was a licker.. he loved to lick lick lick... lick the coffee table if his toy was stuck underneath it ... lick lick lick it until you'd come get his toy... he'd lick lick lick the furniture or wherever he was laying before he went to sleep... if you went to pet him, he'd lick lick lcik your leg. He just loved to give affection... and the minute you'd start petting him, he'd turn around wanting you to scratch his butt. it was so funny. Having someone "love on" him gave him power... he'd growl and bark and try to get ornery with Thor (Rotweiller)... like.. yeah, look who's scratching me..wanna piece of this big dog?

Boomer was just THE best dog I've ever had... sweet, loving, gentle, playful, and cute as a button.

...

I already took and washed all his blankets so that his smell wouldn't be on there for Sadie to be sad about... she's going to be crate trained now because she doesn't have a sleeping buddy to keep her company.

My constant companion.. my favorite four legged friend... my little Boomie is my little angel now...

my heart is heavy, my eyes are puffy... I'm writing simply in a stream-of-consciousness but I wnat these memories out on "paper" so that they're not cluttering up my head in hopes that I don't forget them.

If I were in a mood to drink right now... I'd toast my dog Boomer... the best friend a girl could have.

Telling Josh the Bad News

I had to break the bad news to Josh today that Boomer was going to be put down tomorrow... he melted into a sea of tears in my arms just asking me if we could keep him two more days...one more day...

I had to try my best to retain my composure because I knew if I lost it we'd just both be big sobbing bags of flesh... I explained to him that it wasn't fair of us... or that it was selfish of us to keep him here when his body jsut couldn't keep up with him anymore... we listened to him wheeze to breathe... he panted even when it wasn't hot. He was obviously uncomfortable.

Josh, through tear filled eyes, asked me if we were ever going to get another dog since I wasn't going to have one anymore...and I said.. no. He said NEVER? I said.. I have no plans on getting another dog. He said... then I'll share my dog with you. It's jsut things like that ... that come out of this young child's mouth that although he may not have it all together... he knows what it's all about. This is just the sweetest, selfless, non-agressive, wonderful child... he's so thoughtful... and that just makes me so proud.

We continued to talk ... about Josh's day, gymnastics, etc. We hugged... he picked at his food... we both pet Boomer. and Josh wanted the dogs to sleep upstairs in his room. I said I'd bring tehm up there at about 10:30 after I could let them out one more time before bedtime... Boomer didn't want to go ANYWHERE... he was comfy and snoring I carried Sadie to his room and she wanted NO PART of sleeping someplace weird.. so I awakened to the thud of a finger on my forehead at 1:30 a.m. to Josh asking me why the dogs weren't in his room. I had to explain all this to him... lol... at 1 freaking 30 in the morning. He got it... and went back to bed... or so I thought, told me he coudln't quietly get the gate open so I got up and helped him (safety gates for drew the nomad) and he slept til morning.

------------------------------------

I guess I should also mention that this is the 5 year anniversary of the World Trade Center bombings in NYC.... I started watching a show about them but was just so upset about boomer I couldnt' even comprehend and was overly emotional about it so I turned it off and went to bed. Do you remember where you were when it happened?

I've Been Excommunicated

I'd written about this before.... the lady that runs the playgroup in my HOA apparently wants to play HITLER and pick and choose who can be allowed in the playgroup. I've sent her 3 e-mail requests and left her a voice mail - she won't return anything. I finally contacted the SIG (special interest group) coordinator and asked her to find out what the hell was going on. Apparently she wants to talk to her over the phone ... I'm like... ??? What in the HELL did Drew do to anyone that would keep him from being able to PLAY with kids in his own neighborhood.

You know what, if she just has it out for me then, I don’t feel like me OR my son would be welcome at anything. I know when I went to a local scrapbooking crop at Recollections, one of the ladies was on the phone to Kandren…. And she specifically asked her (all of these women were from Hidden Lakes) if I was there? I’m like… ??? why do you care if I’m here or not. So she obviously has it out for me in some regard. Life is too short to be on someone’s personal vendetta list over nothing….. so I’m just going to drop the issue and she can “win”. I just feel like Drew is the one missing out because of her childishness.

Honestly, I have no idea what the problem is whatsoever as I’ve never done or said anything to/about/against her at all (except on my blog but it’s MY blog on MY website and it’s MY opinion). The last event I attended went to was a St. Patrick’s Day party at another mom’s house…. I was there, brought food, mingled with the ladies and left before the crowd??? There wasn’t any sort of bad blood?

As you said, however, drama is right… I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t just want to have a big, fun playgroup…. I guess it’s more fun to be Hitler and pick and choose who is playgroup worthy.

Something I WOULD like to say however, is that I don’t see how this can be advertised as a “Hidden Lakes” playgroup. If she wants her own personal playgroup, I think that THIS ONE needs to come off the SIG website and someone needs to start one that truly IS for HL. Because if everyone isn’t welcome, then it’s really not a Hidden Lakes thing… it’s a Kandren thing.

Thanks for trying… I guess I’ll just try to make friends with kids outside my neighborhood. Nothing like feeling unwelcome in your neighborhood.

Note to Self - Never Dine With a 2 Year Old

Church this morning was AWESOME! We had a visitor deliver the sermon who was a published author -- something about fathering the fatherless in the fields or something like that... he was PHENOMENAL! I was moved to tears on several occasions. The message with the music is so powerful... it makes you want to really make a difference in the world.... even me... just one person... it makes me feel powerful and worthy. Josh even sat in church with me -- big people church. I think the message made him sad on a couple of occasions. He looked like he was tearing up. The message was about all the children -- God's children -- around the world that need our help... with just basic needs like food and water... shelter... education... healing... to try to move people and empower people to help... one at a time to help make a difference so that they know they're not forgotten...so that they know that there is people praying for them and that there is a God that loves them and knows their suffering...and it's not in vain... that there IS compassion out there for the forgotten children.

The rest of the day paled in comparison to this heart message... But the reason for the title of this post...

Mom called today and wanted to take us to dinner at Catfish & Co. I said, of course. Josh loves eating fried catfish... and I've got one more day of "non diet" before reality of going back on Weight Watchers settles in. I thought I'd gained like 10 lbs.. I gained 3 back of what I'd lost so back on the wagon, so to speak.

I would honestly have someone stick bamboo shoots beneath my fingernails, poke needles in my eyes, sever a limb or carve their initials in my back with a spatula than have to go out to eat with "the Terror". His grandmother said that her side of the family was due for another one like him... and boy... I"m getting paid back for all sorts of thigns I never did. If I didn't have such a chip on my shoulder about it I'd say I felt like Jesus... bearing the brunt of the sins for the world... he is a TERROR lately...

hitting - pinching - smacking - crawling - defiance to your face - pulling the dog's tail - kicking Boomer (yes, my old fat dog that has lung cancer), throwing things at Josh (like the remote control or his legos), refusing to eat, throwing his food, moving furniture to jump from the end table to the sofa... crawling up the chairs and trying to stand on the bar, climbing the bar stools nearly knocking the fish over... and that's just in about 15 minutes. I am literally exhausted, overly frustrated and just angry. I do not like being hit... I do not like being pinched... I do not like feeling like he's completely out of control???

And tonight... he crawled out of his crib today so he got a toddler bed today. His bedtime was 7:30... he's just amazed with his new found freedom and is upstairs walking around his room, pulling the winnie the pooh musicbox balloon that hangs on his door... beating on something right now... it's going to be a long night... I'm not going in there at all... he's going to have to figure out that he has to stay in bed.

Josh was SUCH a blessing and such a sweet child and now I feel like I'm raising a complete stranger... that's just mean spirited and hateful when he's awake. HE knows when he's done something wrong though because he comes up and says "bih ug" (big hug)... but thta's just him going through the motions. I know as a mom you aren't supposed to take this stuff personally but this is my flesh and blood and he's so mean spirited and so callous and rude and hateful that it is really honestly bothering me....what in the world am I doing wrong? I Hope he gets a good night's sleep.... somewhere in his room.

The price of drawers

I went to Victoria’s Secret today to buy bras and undies…. And good GRIEF I spent $161 there! Is that not the most insane thing you ever heard?

I’ll have to admit though that they have the only bras I can wear… and they’re like $36 each… and the undies are $5 a pair but they are THE most comfortable ever in the world! And then they have all these cute new styles out that you just gotta get a few of those to try them on…and I never have to worry about what size to get because the size I always buy.. ALWAYS fits me so there’s no second guessing but DANG man…LOL….

It’s been a busy couple of days!

I also went to linen’s n things and got me a new barstool to use with my scrapping island. It’s awesome! We went to Petco to get a crate to train Sadie so that she won’t think my room is her toilet.

Drew hits a high note

I took Drew to the doctor this morning as a precaution hoping that he'll be well enough to attend preschool NEXT week since having a low grade fever, barking with a pflemy cough and not eating doesn't seem quite conducive to having him participate in extra-household activities. :) His ears were checked, I don't believe his throat was but he said that it's just a cold. So... cough syrup and motrin were the prescription (what I'd already been doing)... no ear infection which was good news for me!

Unfortunately, however, that meant he'd miss gymnastics as well. Josh and Drew both have gymnastics at 6 pm. I had Andy meet me there to pick up Drew so that Josh could still attend and then he brought him back to me an hour later when Josh's class had finished. When he brought him back, his cheeks were flushed and he was BURNING hot. I was like???? He's sick??? He's burning up with fever? I got home... his temperature was ONE HUNDRED AND THREE! I was livid... why do men just not "get it" and then they wonder why we feel like they're completely incompetent when it comes to parenting. I was seriously irritated. It's just one of those things, I guess, where you just go... figures... and just move on with your life because there's nothing you can do about it anyways. That's what I did. Poor kid.

Josh, however, did AWESOME at gymnastics... he got to ring the bell again for accomplishing a task to perfection -- meaning he'd mastered a task. They get to ring this big gold bell and everyone in the gym claps for them. It's way neat! I just wish he'd quit worrying about me watching his every move and just concentrate on the task at hand and stay focused. I think he likes my undividied attention though so I oblige him. :)

Crawling the WALLS!

I have a sick 2 year old... missing his 2nd day of preschool...can you say I'm CLIMBING THE WALLS? UGH!

Snooooooooooooooooooooooore

That's the sound I'm hearing right now... the sound of my big fat Boston Boomer sawing logs -- no, I take that back, he's knocking down petrified forests! That boy can snore!

Much has happened in a week. On Monday the 21st I began my carpool (take and pick up with my neighbor). I went to my first PTA meeting that evening. While on the surface they really seem like a lot of superfluous fluff... they really DO do great things for the school. I like the fundraisers they're doing this year for the school - Entertainment Passbooks and wrapping paper! :) Love me some Sally Foster wrapping paper!

Wednesday the 23rd I went to Drew's meet the teacher. It was fun. He's in a class called the Kangaroos. His first day was SUPPOSED to be today (for 2 hours just to learn his class, teacher, etc.) but he woke up this morning barking like a seal. So, snotty boogery nose + cough = no school.

Thursday the 24th, I took Sam and Josh to school...drove Drew to MDO and then went back to the school for the "Newcomers Breakfast" It was neat and informative. I went and had some much needed me time and then went and picked up the little man. We had gymnastics that evening and Drew did SO good this time! :) They have this big pit of purple foam squares and he sat on the rope swing and did the 1, 2, 3 DROP and just laughed and laughed.... they had a little obstacle course for them set up... he loved that. So, he did good and we'll stay there! After that was the initial kick off meeting for the Cub Scouts for Josh. We met Shannon and Jackson in the cafeteria... we have a pack of 4 so far and I'm the leader. I was kind of voted in because I'm the only one that doesn't travel. Do I look forward to camping when I like room service? Um.. no...but I suppose I can manage. LOL We got Josh all signed up and came home...got ready for bed and I was not too far behind!

it's amazing all the stuff I do just to stay busy... I wrote it all out

Children's Field Trip Chairperson - GCS Mom's League
Craft Club Coordinator - GCS Mom's League
Parent Volunteer - Hidden Lakes Elem. school
AWANA leader - church
Cub Scout Leader

I just signed up to sell Close to My Heart scrapbooking supplies

am probably going to sign up to sell Taste of Home Entertaining as well as Heritage Builder books

I signed up to help out with being the room mom for Josh's school b/c I don't know if a lot of people DID sign up to do it (don't know how many other stay at home moms there are - we'll see)

I'm in MOPS 2 wednesdays a month...

I just actually am starting to feel good about being so busy! :)

WOO HOO

Still a mass

I went back to the doctor today... another ultrasound and another confirmation that the mass on my ovary / cyst is still there. I have to wait another 2 weeks and go back for an invasive ultrasound to see if it's shrunken any. If it has, we'll watch it... if it hasn't or if it's grown, we will wait 2 weeks and I'll go back to the doctor's office.

Keep me in your prayers....this is very unnerving. :( I feel like a walking / ticking time bomb just waiting for it to rupture sending me to the E.R.

On another planet

Josh went to a birthday party today for his friend Sam at the Grapevine Mills Mall - -they had Lunar Golf... it's pretty cool..the entire place is black and they have "blacklights" so that anything neon or white glows.. the sticks and everythign is all striped and glowing... they had a good time. I went to Fuddruckers -- they have the best milkshakes... and I looked through a new store there -- The Children's Place. I need to go back there and get a few things for Drew...

Boy it seems like no one there spoke English... it's quite disturbing to me.

Our home has grown

by four feet...

Josh needed a purpose and so today MY PURPOSE was to help him find his "happy" again. I went to the Forney Road Shelter in Dallas to find him some joy.

I wrote this letter of thanks to the Shelter:

I just wanted to say a big huge THANK YOU to your staff. I went in today with the hopes of adopting Sugar Sugar who I saw at the Fort Worth Home and Garden Show. She, however, had a tad bit of a cough so I opted for the one that was her crate mate – who was in cage #22… We’ve named her Sadie. I bought her for my 7 year old to help deal with the loss of our beloved Gidget – little female Boston Terrier that we had PTS on 7/31 due to skin cancer. My other Boston is probably going to be put down relatively soon due to a diagnosis of lung cancer and his inability to fully inflate/deflate his lungs with ease.

I looked at several pooches and these two just really tugged at my heartstrings. I’d gone in there with the intention of adopting a larger dog because I know the cute little ones are always the ones that adopted and the big ones are usually left to euthanasia. However, having a young child in the home, I just didn’t want to take the risk YET of adopting a larger dog.

The staff was so wonderful to work with… after walking up and down the aisles and shedding a few tears over their heartbreaking desire just for love and affection… I chose our little Sadie. She was so quiet, timid and reserved – almost like she didn’t want to get too excited for fear of being rejected. But that’s just the one that I was looking for. She slept all the way back to Keller… and I took her with me to pick up my son for school - - boy was he ELATED!

We already took her to the vet and bought her some yummy smelling shampoo, gave her her first bath, found an afghan and a fleece blanket for her to snuggle up in … and she’s just already become one of our family members. J I just feel so fortunate to have found her.

I hope to come back and save Sugar Sugar as well… so if she ever goes on “the list”… please PLEASE call me. We’d like to get accustomed to one new family member at a time.

God bless you all for the thankless jobs you have…. Even though the unconditional love you receive isn’t verbal praise… I know those tail wags, offered paws and licks isn’t going to fill your bank account and resume but it will certainly fill your heart. Thanks for helping those that can’t help themselves.

I’ve included a photo of Josh and Sadie we took today. He couldn’t be happier.

I'm having a bad day

I’m having a bad day, the title says it all. Yes, I woke up on the right side of the bed. I didn’t sleep through my alarm. I was ready in time.

The cervical infection I have I fear is getting worse – not better – even though I had a round of strong antibiotics. I have a compressed disk or something in my lower back that just has me in pain every day when I wake up…and lately throughout the day as well. Leaning over to pick up Drew just hurts. That’s no fun. Do I want to go in to the spinal doctor and be given more bad news? Sure… just pile more crap onto my happy-fun-sun shiny day. I have an appointment tomorrow with the ob-gyn and I am not expecting anything short of “it looks very bad”. I just physically feel that not well right now. I don’t feel “okay”.

Then….

My oldest Boston Terrier – not that I have more than one anymore as he’s the only Boston I have – but when I DID have two, he was the eldest of the two. He’s been getting progressively worse with his respiration problems. First, it was coughing up phlegm. I’m glad that phase went away… then it seemed that it was only when it was really cold or only when it was really hot. Lately, he’s just been having troubles all the time. He pants a lot and really seems like he has to push to be able to empty air from his lungs. He’s wheezing and sounding like my grandfather did when he was dying from emphysema. So, I did what any caring pet owner would do –I called the vet. I got him an appointment for 9 am today.

We arrived on time, got checked into the room. Drew tries to hold his little leash and we talked to the vet. She checked him out and thought it’d be best to get a chest x-ray of him to see what we’re looking at/for. So I left Boom there and took the little man and went home to wait for her call.

In the meantime, Drew and I had a snack of some pretzel sticks. It was time. Thor walked over to me and normally I wouldn’t hand feed this dog to save my life – he’s quite the ferocious eater but he very calmly and gently took each little pretzel stick that I gave to him without eating any of my fingers. He knew I was in a fragile place.

The vet called about 10 am and said she was glad we did the x-ray as there is something showing on his left lung. It’s either a massive build up of fluid or a tumor but since it was an x-ray and you can’t differentiate liquid from tissue that there is no way to be 100% certain but that there definitely was something there. She was going to send the film off to an internist to view them and give a probable diagnosis but in the meantime suggested he be put on a diuretic to help dry up some of the liquid. After he views the films we can work out a plan from there but the only definitive way to determine what it is would be with a sonogram which is $300-$500. They were going to get his Rx ready and I could pick him up by 10:30.

So, at 10:30 I packed the kiddo in the car and we headed up to pick up our fat boy. I paid and they also brought me a bag. I tried to remain in denial and did a good job until I got I the car and looked over knowing what the box contained.

I turned on the Wiggles to change my train of thought to anything other than where it was going.

We got home, I got the little man settled in and then brought the white bag in from the car and set it on the counter. I didn’t want to fully admit what it was but I knew… it was Gidget’s ashes. I removed the simple cedar box from the bag and placed it on the counter. I opened the lavender envelope containing the sympathy card signed by the staff at the vet’s office. I ran my finger over the brass plate engraved with her name and then just melted onto the kitchen counter. After a moment, I carried the small box to my room and placed upon my shelf by a photo of her. I think I know too soon that little box will turn into two. I went into the bathroom for a tissue and literally felt ill. Was I going to throw up because of my nerves, my stomach or something I ate? Is my stomach that badly messed up?

Isn't it crazy to think that all the importance we place on status and numbers and things and superfluous shit that doesn't matter, in the end, we all have the potential to wind up just like Gidget... ashes in a box. What's truly important is what you leave behind... your legacy. She may have just been a little dog but she still touched people. Drew still calls for her at cookie time... he still looks for her in the back yard. Josh is still in a fragile place realizing the finality of death and knowing that some sicknesses can't be healed. He has even dreamt that we put him to sleep because he was ill. I have my moments but I've been doing much better with the loss of my fur friend. But knowing that someone is missed just makes their star shine even brighter in heaven...because they've touched someone.

In the end, I want my body back to normal ... clean and "disease" free.. healthy with no damage to my reproductive organs... I want health -- it's something you take for granted until it's gone…I want my dog to live… I want my son to be joyful… I want my other son to eat… I want to not worry or be stressed and just be happy. Happiness… that’s not too much to ask for! But, I guess right now isn' tmy time. Right now, I'm being punished for something...

Our Future's So Bright...

We gotta wear shades!

Isn't this picture just to die for?! That's my two little guys... Josh trying to squat down to fit in the picture with Drew and of course, since Drew saw Josh squatting what did he do? Why SQUAT of course! Both had Oreo lips (Drew's still shows) but they're just so darn cute!

Today was Joshua's first day of school. I went upstairs about 7:15 to wake him up and get Drew up and motivated and he was wide awake just waiting to get up and get rolling. I think he was quite excited. Usually it's a little rub and a little pat... a few words... then pulling the covers off him and coaxing him out of the bed but today he just hopped right out. He went straight to the closet and picked out his favorite green and white striped Tommy Hilfiger shirt and finished getting ready while I tried to make enough noise and say "Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooornin" loud enough that Drew would (sort of) wake himself up instead of me having to wake him up. Unfortunately, he's like his momma - you wake me up before I"m ready toget up and I'll just grump your entire day right out the door. And let me tell you he CAN! I call him Napoleon. He may be small, but he rules the roost!

So, I went downstairs and finished breakfast -- started that about 6:45 (school means there goes my "sleeping in" -- if you call 7:30 sleeping in) ---- biscuits were baking, bacon was crispin and the eggs were scramblin. Top the eggs with a little shredded cheddar cheese and those boys had a great breakfast --- Drew, of course, didn't eat any eggs but he liked his apple-cinnamon Cheerios, bacon and biscuits. Throw in some milk and that made a pretty good meal -- for him, anyway.

I made sure the troops were eating and went to fix my hair -- ok "fix" is a bit strong... lol.. it's more like, blow dry and run a curling iron through the ends. I'm almost as low maintenance on stuff like that as they come -- I hate maintenance of any kind for just about anything. Maintenance sucks.

I got Josh's supplies all ready, gave him some money for lunch, had him grab his backpack (are you suppose to buy them a new one every year when their old ones are just fine? I didn't. Is that bad?) I was ready to take some First Day of School Photos!!! :) I got my trusty Canon Digital Rebel and headed outside with my boys. Drew and his little buzzed head, JOsh with those big green eyes (he had to change shirts b4 pictures b/c he apparently can't keep the slobber in his mouth when he brushes his teeth. LOL... UGH) I snapped away... got lots of great shots -- or so I thought. I thought to myself while drew was taking a nap later in the day -- I need to upload his pictures from this morning...go grab the camera and there IS NO FREAKIN MEMORY CARD IN IT! I said a few choice f-bombs directed at myself and just realized that the first day of school is still the first day of school regardless of if the photos are taken before or afterwards... so I got some after school instead!

I gathered all the goods and into the car we went. I live less than a mile from school... it's probably just a little over 5 or 6 tenths of a mile.. .and it took us like what felt like forever to get there... we walked into his class with about 3 minutes to spare. His teacher's name is way jacked up so she goes by "Mrs. P" (her name has about 20 letters in it and is like 7 syllables!) She's super cute though -- just married into an unfortunate name. I'd have just kept mine! LOL... j/k I've been there once with the name thing... Gregorsok --no one could pronounce that either. I'm like.. it's pronounced just like it looks... Greg or sock without the c of course. But people would just jack it up left and right... finally when telemarketers would call and just stumble over it I'd be like, "I obviously don't know you but appreciate the call... have a great day. CLICK!"

I came home and Drew and I had a great morning...we played in the Play Doh.. we did puzzles.. raced cars, watched a movie, had a snack, he helped me do some laundry and the dishes... (help is a tad strong but he was an active participant)... then it was time for a nap so away he went... and I was actually right behind him. Last night was rough and I didn't get much sleep. He slept from about 11:30 to about 2:40... I was about 12:15ish (few phone calls interrupted me) to about 2:30ish.. it was nice. woke up a few times just from being too darn hot but I'm trying to keep the a/c at 80 so the bills will not be so astronomical. UGH though.

We went to get josh. He got out of school at 3:30. I left the house at 3:15....and sat in traffic until 3:54 to pick him up. It was -- not surprisingly -- a TOTAL FREAKING zoo... Oh my GOSH thank GOD for my DVD player and Pooh's Heffalump Movie or we wouldn't have made it. I will NEVER do that again... Frankly, I'd rather walk the entire way there and back. That's just beyond retarted. I know lots of parents were walking their kids in the first day ..and probably will the first few days to make sure kiddos find their classrooms (school is big) but the picking up is, again, a zoo....

I had a good recommendation to make the day special with ice cream so we headed straight to Sonic but josh didn't want ice cream -- he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, cheese tater tots and a cherry limeade. LOL.... and of, course, no ice cream and no dinner later either. I said, 'no way Jose!' and instead got him a small order of cheese sticks and a sonic Reece's cup blast -- they really are quite stingy with their -- whatever they blend in -- Dairy Queen like hooks you up man... Sonic puts in like 5. I even got Drew a dish of ice cream -- he normally won't eat it at all...but when we got home, he at it ALL! I was FLOORED! Probably because he was starving -- I just realized he didn't eat lunch... he woke up and we went straight to get Josh. Guess I need to set a time table up for us too.. he needs to eat l unch at 11:30 THEN nap... ok... mental note to self, make sure your children are fed! Gosh now I feel horrible... I wondered why he totally scarfed his dinner down tonight like he hadn't eaten all day.. ROFL.. probably because HE HADNT EATEN ALL DAY! OMG I'm horrible! UGH! Great - now I have guilt!

Josh said his day was great. I had him try to call his dad on the way to school - no answer but he left him a message. He never called him back. Mimi and Grandma both called him today to wish him good luck on his first day.

I made scalloped potatoes with ham and broccoli tonight for dinner... Drew had ravioli... like 8 of them! LOL... because he was STARVING... and he ate some string cheese (not much, but it's a start) and a biscuit.... drank his milk up ... it was pretty good. I like quick meals like that from time to time.... and I'm the casserole queen. If I can get it all in one dish... give me the recipe! :) The crock pot is my friend! :)

Boys went to Mimi's for a while tonight so she could see Drew's new "do" (I gave him a buzz)... and Josh could tell her about his day.... came home and bedtime for the masses. I even think it's bedtime for me.. not feeling so hot. Don't know if it's the infection (is it back?) or something else but I'm not feeling well (stomach)... cramping up and such. Yes, I'm worried and quite paranoid about the whole thing but what's done is done and there's nothing I can do about it... just go to the doctor on the 17th and hear what they have to say to me. Good/bad/ugly.... I will handle it just like I do everything else -- go drinking. LOL.. j/k! That's SO far from the truth it's not even funny.

Oh well... I got the little peopl ein bed and now it's time to go watch my show... So you Think You Can Dance--- It's TiVo'd :) love the tivo man! :) LOVE IT !

Outie!

First day of school

Well, today was Josh’s first day of school… we sat in line in traffic for about 15 minutes just to be able to park 2 blocks from the school to walk him in… I took some GREAT pictures this morning before hand – then realized that my stupid MEMORY CARD WASN’T IN THE FREAKIN CAMERA! Yes, I had some choice words for myself this afternoon. Lol… and then he got out of school at 3:30… I left the house at 3:15 to go get him… and I got to the front of the school at 3:50 – traffic is that bad… Girls – I LIVE NINE TENTHS OF A MILE FROM THE SCHOOL….

I think from now on, I’ll walk! Good GRIEF Charlie brown… but I don’t look forward to doing that when it’s over 100 – esp with a 2 year old and the potential to be changing poopie diapers in the grass off the sidewalk to/from there. Blech!

Isn’t that CRAZY?!

A shopping we will go

Well, it's "Tax Free Weekend" here in the wonderful state of Texas (that's a joke hon... there's not much wonderful about this place). The boys and I got up... age some Lucky Charms, I hopped in the shower and away we went. We went to the North East Mall and hit Foleys... a couple of shirts, couple of t-shirts, few pairs of socks and we were off to The Gap Kids... love this store... cleaned HOUSE! We got camo pants, chinos, 2 pair of jeans, shoes, shirts, underwear and a jacket. The clerk gave me 30% off the entire sale plus no tax... and I was FINISHED with my shopping! Two stores and he's stocked and ready for school! After that we hit the cookie store (like I needed to do that) and then headed to the car. Of course, once we were all buckled in, I realized I'd forgotten to go by JC Penney's and pick up their pictures taht were ready on 7/31 (a little busy that day though) so we drove around the mall and hopped out, ran in and grabbed those... hit Jack in the Box on the way home... ate lunch... put the little man down and voila... time with Josh... he wanted to play Clue, then to relax, then to see if Austin was home... he doesn't really know how to entertain himself much. Sometimes, it's kind of irritating.

Ever had one of those days where everything just seems to irritate you beyond belief? That's me today.... I just haven't been in the mood to be alive today. This infection thing is bothering me -- how bad is it going to get? Is it better? Am I permanently damaged? Will I be able to conceive again? Is my cervix going to require removal of cancerous cells again -- will they be able to get it all? Then there's the always being at home because it's to freakin hot to breathe outside -- that bothers me because contrary to popular belief, I do like to be outside, but not when it's just so Africa hot that it's just ... why shower? I like to be clean..? But you shower and get ready to walk outside and turn into a stinky sweat box. I hate taking multiple showers a day.... doing hair and makeup requires too much time (not really but enough that it irritates me to have to do it over and over again) but who wants to go out looking like crap because you're too lazy to do anything... it's such a catch 22...why do I give a flip? I have no idea!

Then... my little dog is gone.... I am getting better... but I have moments.... like today when her photos that I took of Josh and me and Gidget came in the mail. I still remember that last big hug... and her nervous little tail... and the guilt that fills my heart.

I hate living in Texas... ok -- hate is a strong word -- but I'd give up half of what I own to live somewhere that is more conducive to actually being outdoors... my "one day" just isn't ever going to come... so when do you be proactive for the things YOU want instead of being on everyone else's agenda? I feel today like I'm going back down that spiral faster than I ever did.... I hated being that low and have no clue what's triggered it off again today... but it feels nothing will satisfy my desire for happiness. When does my happily ever after start?

Today has been a day of trials and tears... and I'm ready for it to be over with. I'm in a daze so I'm going to bed...so much for scrapping.. I"m just not in the flippin mood.

Buh buh buh

It's not me humming the tune to my favorite song... it's not how my car sputters down the road... this is one of Drew's favorite movies... the Incredibles. He's got the syllables down... just not much else. So it's buh buh buh.

Mr. Incredible has a line in there that I just love -- and feel like much of the time. It's dialogue between Mr. and Mrs. Incredible after he gets busted coming home late with rubble on his clothes -- a little workout he says (he knocked down a building) and she's furious because they're supposed to be living on the down low... and she says: ... I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation. To which he replies, "It's not a graduation. He's moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade." And she retorts, "It's a ceremony!"

and his reply is just genius!!!

"It's psychotic! They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity..."

That is so true...

Just wanted to share! Wonder what superpowers I'd want if I could be a superhero...

read minds (probably be pissed off at everyone all the time huh?)

fly (couldn't ever wear a skirt again)

become invisible (that could be interesting -- only if you could be ghostlike then and go in and out of walls and stuff)

be stretchy (help with childbirth - no stretchmarks either! LOL)

Dallas World Aquarium or BUST!

Well, the housekeepers came early, I hadn't picked up the house (so they could vacuum). Josh had a sleepover the night before so the living room was tent city, I had to get ready, feed the boys and be out of the house by 9:15. Could I possibly do it -- with a smile? Heck yeah! But then as I was backing out of the driveway...the garage door won't go down, I realize I have no cash and no gas. :) LOL... so the 9:15 turned into 9:35. Lisa, Jackson and Wyatt met us at the Chevron and we caravaned to DWA in downtown Dallas. I walked in and was immediately drenched in sweat. It was quite disgusting. I hate to be hot. I hate sweat. I hate humidity... I want to live in the mountains...where even if it's 98 during the day.. it is in the 60's at night. How perfect would that be? Where in the winter it really does snow...and you can see this beautiful white blanket coating the world.... but I digress...

we made it through the DWA... got to the bottom.. didn't get to really view the fish or penguins much because Josh decided to play at breakfast and not eat anything so he was bugging me about every 30 seconds about being hungry. Drew was whining "eek" (eat) and giving the sign language sign for it as well so I knew nourishment was a necessity. We stopped at the SNACK BAR and it was TWENTY FOUR dollars... for 2 chocolate milks, a cheese pizza, nachos and a fruit bowl. Good GRIEF! Next time I'll bring it my darn self! I couldn't believe that!

After lunch, Drew was ready to plow (binkie in mouth, reclined in the stroller, head to one side, ready to crash)... Josh stayed late with the Shogrens and then Drew and I left and headed for the house. He went down at 1:30 (a record for him I think - watched Garfield all the way home). Josh came home quite a bit later. After that... Drew got a 3 hour nap... woke up...got to go to Mimi and Pops and run run run (and get eaten alive by mosquitos)... and I went to Rockfish and had crab cakes (YUM-O) and ate pecan crusted trout with a cold Hefe Weisen! Good stuff Vern!.... Very much needed after the start of my week. The only problem - - they served it on a little skillet thing (like what fajitas would come on) and the heat that was radiating from it just made me start sweating like a freakin pig man...to the point that I was quite uncomfortable. i finished early and was like...get this away from me. It was weird..

seems like my entire metabolism changed lately... I get hot flashes at night where I used to be a chilly willy all the time... (that sucks) and then at dinner... the hot flash... if I didn't know better I'd say I was having menopausal hot flashes... oh I could only BE so lucky! UGH I hate having a woman's body with all the CRAP that goes along with it! I'd trade this for a kick in the nuts once a month any day! (as long as I could keep my kids! LOL)...

Got the boys... Josh and Drew finished watching the Shaggy Dog... it was nice to get out -- I like to do it once a week at least... for my sanity's sake. Girlfriends are the best at helping keep stay at home mom's sane because we all understand one another's psychosis. :) ha ha!

Drew searches for his little dog...

The day was okay. I tried to keep my mind off things... entertain my kids... get into the Play-Doh. Josh made several sad faced comments about wishing Gidget were here.

I know it's not the same for him as it is for me... b/c she was my little lap dog. When I got pregnant with Josh and her lap disappeared... I became her leaning post. :) But we all grieve in our own way. He likes to talk about it and just make comments like that so that we know that he's thinking about her.

We broke out the game of Clue and I tried to explain it to him... he won the first game little booger!

Evening came... and went and it was time for bed. Time to make the dog's dinner bowls. Drew was invited to help. BOO-NAH (that's what he calls for Boomer).... and DOOOR (Thor)... and then he starts calling for Gidget.... (DID-GEE)... I"m in the laundry room ... and just immediately look up becaues I totally did not expect that... he realized she wasn't there...and he started to my room to look for her under the bed...and then when he was told no, she's not in there... he went to the back door and started hitting on the glass wondering why she wasn't coming... calling to her... and when he was picked up to go upstairs and just divert his attention elsewhere..he was crying and calling her name... he was devestated we'd forgotten to feed her... I lost it...

It certainly is different without her here... I miss her presence. It's in the moments of silence when I wish I heard the little tip tip tip tip tip tip of her nails across the floor looking for me... once she'd find me.. her little crooked tail would wag and she'd lay where she could see me out of her good eye (she was quite blind in the other).

I know that time heals all wounds...but when you feel like you've let down some"thing" (body) that depends on you... it's just hard. Boomer sounds quite bad... my little TB dog. I need to take him in... just don't know if I can right now. Anymore bad news with my "kids" and I just don't know what I'll do. Boomer is my favorite in that he's just so sweet... he's what every dog should be like... he loves to have his belly rubbed... loves to eat... loves to sleep and if you scratch the little spot above his tail... he wiggles his butt and bark/howls ... goes... brrooooooooo ooooh. LOL... it's funny! He's got such a great demeanor. Granted, he's quite the crotchety old fart in his geriatric years, but he's still just a big lug... He'll wrestle around on the ground... and then if you say "Ouch" he'll stop immediately and look away like "oops sorry!!!" He's such a smart dog. Don't know if he'd hear ya say "Ouch" now unless you screamed it -- deafness.

The Tale of Two Tails

Well, this morning started out okay. I was going to try to be chipper, try to hold it together as best I could. Try to keep a positive outlook... try to be happy and know that it's a new day... it's a beautiful morning and we are together for a little while longer...

Gidget's tumor had ulcerated on top of the ulceration and she was in pain... panting. It was quite uncomfortable I could just tell... and by the positions she chose to sprawl out in, you could easily see she was just uncomfortable. I had numerous blankets scattered about the house so that she was never far from my side the past few days... and she stayed near.

They all got extra cookies today... I had to give Gidget an aspirin in a piece of hot dog.... just to try to make her a little more comfortable. I changed her dressings on her wound one last time... and tried to keep an upbeat attitude and get Josh to interact with her instead of treating her like she's already gone.... we took a series of photos together... Josh even got behind the lens to get a couple of photos of me and Gidget.

I think animals just sense things... she'd been hiding under the bed an awful lot lately... like she just knew she needed to be away. Andy took off work early and came to get her to take her for me because I told him that there just wasn't any way I could keep it together... and it'd just be too ugly. She needed someone with her that could remain calm instead of someone clinging to her and stressing her out (that'd be me.)...

Josh was outside doing tricks with the flyswatter -- don't ask -- it's entertainment for him!?! I knocked on the window to let him know to come inside...and I said, do you want to get Gidget out from underneath the bed for me? He said, "Why"... and I said, "it's time for her to go now." That was so hard saying that to him... and his voice broke as he was trying to coax her from beneath the bed. She came out, tail wagging, as usual. Almost like she was trying to comfort us... to let us know that she was going to be alright. We took turns sitting in the floor petting her... Josh tried so hard to be strong... but no one can at a time like that. When it was finally time, I just leaned over and gave her a big hug and pet her chest with my hands... and for once in the last week that I've embraced her... she held very still and just let me hold her... and I told her that I loved her so much and that I was sorry her body wasn't strong enough. I wrapped her up in the big navy blue beach towel and carried her out to Andy's car outside. Josh and Drew were close on my tail. She acted nervous… like she knew what was going on. Josh just lost it… Andy was holding Drew… trying to comfort Josh… so I shut the door and went into Mom mode to try to comfort my boys…. Drew didn’t want to say bye to Gidget either and when I put her in the car he started crying too… I took Drew and led Josh to the inside of the house. Andy backed out of the drive and they were gone down the street. Josh immediately walked over to one of the chairs and just stared bawling… so I carried Drew into the living room and set him down to go get a toy. The Josh and I sat down on the couch, I leaned his head to my chest and just held him and we cried together. Drew realized Josh was hurting and he crawled up onto the couch beside the two of us and just kind of looked at me and then Josh and then he wrapped his arms around us both and said “big hug” and the leaned over and embraced us both and then gave Josh a kiss… then kind of watched him… then walked away… he was trying to make Josh’s boo boo all better… it was just such a tender moment between us three…

Andy came back after it was done and said she didn’t suffer … but he, too, believes she knew what was going on. The vet even said so… He placed the towel and her colar on the counter in the kitchen. I went upstairs and gave her collar to Josh to put on his shelf… after josh melted down he went upstairs to build a Gidget out of legos – and cme down and gave it to me to put on my night stand (she used to sleep on the floor on my side of the bed)

On the way to dinner tonight Andy told me he told Gidget to say "hi" to Jericho for him (that was his favorite dog he had to put down a few years ago)… and that made the waterworks flow. He said that at first he was okay because he knew we were doing what was beset for her but when it was all over he was lke… wow… she’s gone and he teared up….

So I regained my composure before dinner. Andy's parents wanted to take Josh out to eat before school started and especially now to get him out of the house and out of the absence of Gidget. We ate at Springcreek, it was nice… got home... then I walked into the house and the silence was deafening. There wasn’t anyone there to greet me. Gidget was the only one of the 3 dogs that gave a shit that I ever walked in the door (boomer’s deaf so he has an excuse – he usually just takes a cue if he sees the other dogs get up and goes to see what’s going on)… but he never really cares, he just wants someone to throw the ball for him. So, I walked in the house alone—the boys were out front…and it was just too quiet… no little pitter patter of her toenails running across the hardwood floors estatic that I'm home just to see her and to give her a little pat on the head... to her I was just the queen of the castle and the king of the world all wrapped into one... and when I walked in tonight, I was just no one... and it just killed me – (like it is right now). So I went to the bathroom and just started crying.

Then I had to make their dinner…. and only had to make two bowls… and again, lost it.

Boomer has been walking around looking for her… he’s pacing the floors. And now, he's sleeping directly beneath my chair. This will be his first night without her ... since we got her. He's still walking back and forth from my room looking for her. I need to wash the blankets so her scent isn't on them anymore... or do I?

I just keep thinking -- Where The Red Fern Grown... with Gidget, probably Boomer's spirit will go too. I know he's not too far behind her... and that makes things so hard. When that point comes in the very near future I fear, I really do not know what I'm going to do.

You never realize how much these little four legged kids are woven into the very spirit of your being until they're gone -- or threatened to be gone... and your life just won't be the same... Hopefully, you realize at that point, just how privileged you should feel to have been loved by one of God's sweet creatures that was put on this earth just to be loved and spoiled by you.... and you just hope and pray that they know what a wonderful impact they've had on your life and hope that they can even comtemplate even a tenth of what they meant to you.

So, our home is now quiet of the pitter patter of quick little steps running to the gates to welcome me home... and we're down to two tails.

Saying goodbye to a good friend.

My little dog, Gidget, is being put to sleep tomorrow. She and Boomer were the first "kids" I've ever had the complete responsibility for so this is incredibly hard for me… harder even more so because I’m trying to be strong for Josh. He’s old enough to know that she will be gone and won’t ever be back. He’s had a lot of questions about death because of this and I’m trying my best to answer him in a way he will understand. He wants to make sure that when they do it, it’s not going to hurt her… that “daddy’s going to be there with her so she’s not scared”.

Tonight at the dinner table, he just lost it… He’s asked me why we can’t have the surgery for her and try to make her better. Honestly, I fear that what’s on the outside of her is only the tip of the iceberg and feel that she probably has more wrong with her than we realize.

Gidget is a spunky little girl… my mom and her friend Vel brought her home from Trader’s Village (I think) or Canton – one of the flea markets. The person selling her actually released her too early – she was a week and a half short of being old enough to be adoptable. She was SO tiny… and was brought to me in a shoebox. This soft little black and white Boston Terrier. I couldn’t think of a good name. My mom wanted me to call her “Buttons”…so that I’d have Boomer and Buttons. Her name was ALMOST Gucci but I chose Gidget after seeing an infomercial for a rerun of the Sally Field TV series of the same name. It just stuck.

Having another puppy again really wasn’t what I wanted but my mom thought Boomer was lonely and that he needed a friend.

She was such a little cutie… I had her in a laundry basket by the bed and she hated being in there so at night, I’d pick her up and put her in the bed with me. That turned her into my little lap dog. She was just like having a baby… get her up, make her food. She was so little that it had to be softened up in milk first. I’d then take her outside to do her business – nearly every 3-4 hours – even sometimes at 2 am (very much like having a baby – getting up that much) and then try to get her back to sleep when she was then ready to play!

We went through a spell with her getting the “snorts” is what I called them. The vets nebulized her and said she needed to grow into her epiglottis because it possibly was long and tickling the back of her throat – common in pug nosed dogs. One night it was especially bad so I thought I’d give her some baby medicine… little did I know it had caffeine in it and I gave her WAY too much and she was like a little Chihuahua dog on about 50 cups of coffee. Boy when she crashed .. she CRASHED and slept for like a day. I was so paranoid I’d damaged her.

She was always the one that would lay right next to me in bed for a while IF you pet her…otherwise, she wanted to root under the covers and lay at your feet. Usually the entire bed would start shaking (she got too hot and was panting) so you’d have to raise the covers up and either put her on the floor, or at least make her move to a cool spot.

She loved to play ball. The funny thing is the dynamic between Boomer and Gidget – in the house, Boomer wouldn’t ever let her catch the ball but outside, she’d kick some tail! She loved to chase balls! We’d go buy her little play balls and just throw them on the ground and they’d run themselves silly out there with those things.

Gidget took everything very personal. If another dog was in trouble, she’d slink away and hide thinking the backlash would come her way as well. Her little ears would lay flat on her head… she was just very sensitive.

I’d never known a dog to hold a grudge but boy she did. Josh’s father has a half-brother named Jason. When we were living in Colorado, they came out one year for Christmas. Gidget had JUST been fixed so her tummy had stitches and was still very tender. Jason couldn’t seem to remember this and kept trying to pick her up which, I’m sure, hurt like the dickens. Years after, when he’d come around her, she’d just snarl. LOL… I got a kick out of it b/c I just thought it was too funny….

She had some quirky habits and characteristics… she HATED having her toenails trimmed. I’d NEVER clipped them too close or made them bleed but she would lie on her back and just shake all over. It was funny… in the last few years…. She started eating poop in the back yard. I’d catch her and she was like “BUSTED” and would put her ears down like she knew she was in trouble. I’d leave her in the back yard for a little while just to make sure I wasn’t going to have to pick it up again. YUCK. The other habit she had was that of caring for others – she like to lick ankles, toes, feet. That’s how she showed her love. Each of her front paws has four white nails and one black one. And her crooked little tail… most Bostons either have a snubbed tail or just a little tiny tail but hers was longer than most… and crooked. It was special – just like her. As a pup, our home in Abilene had wooden floors and she would slide across them… get under your feet and you’d wind up pushing her across the floor. So now, as an old woman, if you get near her walking, she just squeaks like “HEY WATCH IT BUDDY!” It’s annoying but that’s why she does it. When you least expect it is when she does it too…. And it kinda freaks you out.

She is a smart dog and knows where her room is – I’d put her and Boomer either in the closet on some blankets or the laundry room on blankets to sleep together so that they weren’t alone – company is always good to make you feel safe. And besides, they’re buddies. I don’t know what Boomer is going to do without her. Thor doesn’t like anyone… I fear his day isn’t too far behind hers. I always say Boomer is my favorite because he is just smart and gentle…but she’s my favorite in her own way… I could pick her up and carry her around…and used to all the time until Josh was born. I don’t think she knew what to do when someone else took the place on my lap. But she’s my favorite in that she let me carry her like my little one, she liked laying near me in bed and keeping me company. She was the first one when I walked in the door to be excited that I’m HOME! It’s just little old me and you’d have thought I was covered in t-bones just because I walked in the door. She was that glad just to see me. She was MY loyal dog.

Gidget is a brave little thing… she may have been the little dog in the house but in her mind… she was bigger than Thor, the Rotweiller. She’d snarl and growl at him… snap too. Thor would look at her like she was crazy and just walk away like “whatever”.

Over the past couple of years, she’s developed a growth or series of growths. One on her right side is about the size of a non-shelled pecan. It didn’t look bad just weird… just a lump. Then on May 1, 2006, when I took her to the vet, she had a spot on her back just above her tail. It was the size of a dime and just looked like a scab. I was worried because that was how the other “tumor” started. Today, at the end of July, it’s literally the size of a hockey puck and is ulcerated and causing her great discomfort. They can do surgery but this I just what we can see on the outside of her… who knows what is on the inside. The surgery alone – and getting her teeth cleaned (I’ve been afraid to do since Boomer aspirated under anesthesia for his growth removal) was about $700. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a lot of money… but when the unknown is greater than the known… sigh… what do you do.

Her health -- the vet did say her heart sounded great and that all in all she wasn’t old in his mind just that the growth needed to be removed. Her eyesight is going, though… one eye is totally cloudy but she's still got vision in the other. You can see that she uses her hearing more to know where noises come from because when I call her, she doesn’t look for me, but she listens for where I am. Then she goes searching until she can see my shadow… I know she’s just getting old.

For the past couple of weeks, I took an old t-shirt and cut about a 6” band off the bottom. I then slit that and made a long bandage… I’ve been putting rags on the ulcerated tumor and then tying the band around her waist so that she was protected (from flies, the other dogs, etc.) and so that the furniture and my carpet was protected. She is so uncomfortable and keeps turning upside down on her back rubbing back and forth across the carpet to scratch it which, in turn, leaves a bloody mess for me to clean up.

For the past couple of days, she’s been getting spoiled. I’ve been dragging their fuzzy blue blanket around wherever I am for her to lie on. She knows I want her there…

I’ve been giving her extra treats – bacon grease in her food, extra food, lots of cookies… and plenty of pats on the head, scratches behind the ears… I tried to hold her last night when I just broke down on my knees in the laundry room… and she backed up and sniffed at my tears… then licked them away… like “don’t cry mom”… she has no idea… has been so spunky and happy today… and tomorrow it just all stops.

I feel like I’m letting her down. I feel like a traitor. I’m the one that is supposed to take care of her and I can’t even be there to hold her because I’m so selfish that I know I just can’t take it. But if something were happening to me… she’d be there…

Connections with pets are such strange things… Pets are so loyal -- so trusting… even when they’ve done something to let you down, they will try to return to you to get your acceptance and approval back. They want to approach you to let you know they’re sorry. Connections with them are almost deeper than a connection with another person because pets offer something that no person can … unconditional love. So with their demise, so goes your unconditional love.

So, tomorrow is just going to suck. I wanted to get one last picture of me and Gidget together… the last good one I have is from when she’s a puppy… but I’m going to have red puffy eyes and a tear stained face. Not the most photogenic of photo ops. Josh wants some photos… so we’ll try to do that in the morning when everyone is fresh… We’ll take her outside in the front yard and let her play ball one last time…. We’ll take her to Arby’s for lunch and get her a roast beef sandwich and some curly fries… we’ll give her a lot of love and attention… we’ll shed a lot of tears and probably just cry and hold one another when they leave at 2:45 for the appointment at the vet…my home will be 4 feet shorter, one tail fewer and many heavy hearts full. She was my dog… She was my friend… and tomorrow she’ll be gone forever.