Church this morning was AWESOME! We had a visitor deliver the sermon who was a published author -- something about fathering the fatherless in the fields or something like that... he was PHENOMENAL! I was moved to tears on several occasions. The message with the music is so powerful... it makes you want to really make a difference in the world.... even me... just one person... it makes me feel powerful and worthy. Josh even sat in church with me -- big people church. I think the message made him sad on a couple of occasions. He looked like he was tearing up. The message was about all the children -- God's children -- around the world that need our help... with just basic needs like food and water... shelter... education... healing... to try to move people and empower people to help... one at a time to help make a difference so that they know they're not forgotten...so that they know that there is people praying for them and that there is a God that loves them and knows their suffering...and it's not in vain... that there IS compassion out there for the forgotten children.
The rest of the day paled in comparison to this heart message... But the reason for the title of this post...
Mom called today and wanted to take us to dinner at Catfish & Co. I said, of course. Josh loves eating fried catfish... and I've got one more day of "non diet" before reality of going back on Weight Watchers settles in. I thought I'd gained like 10 lbs.. I gained 3 back of what I'd lost so back on the wagon, so to speak.
I would honestly have someone stick bamboo shoots beneath my fingernails, poke needles in my eyes, sever a limb or carve their initials in my back with a spatula than have to go out to eat with "the Terror". His grandmother said that her side of the family was due for another one like him... and boy... I"m getting paid back for all sorts of thigns I never did. If I didn't have such a chip on my shoulder about it I'd say I felt like Jesus... bearing the brunt of the sins for the world... he is a TERROR lately...
hitting - pinching - smacking - crawling - defiance to your face - pulling the dog's tail - kicking Boomer (yes, my old fat dog that has lung cancer), throwing things at Josh (like the remote control or his legos), refusing to eat, throwing his food, moving furniture to jump from the end table to the sofa... crawling up the chairs and trying to stand on the bar, climbing the bar stools nearly knocking the fish over... and that's just in about 15 minutes. I am literally exhausted, overly frustrated and just angry. I do not like being hit... I do not like being pinched... I do not like feeling like he's completely out of control???
And tonight... he crawled out of his crib today so he got a toddler bed today. His bedtime was 7:30... he's just amazed with his new found freedom and is upstairs walking around his room, pulling the winnie the pooh musicbox balloon that hangs on his door... beating on something right now... it's going to be a long night... I'm not going in there at all... he's going to have to figure out that he has to stay in bed.
Josh was SUCH a blessing and such a sweet child and now I feel like I'm raising a complete stranger... that's just mean spirited and hateful when he's awake. HE knows when he's done something wrong though because he comes up and says "bih ug" (big hug)... but thta's just him going through the motions. I know as a mom you aren't supposed to take this stuff personally but this is my flesh and blood and he's so mean spirited and so callous and rude and hateful that it is really honestly bothering me....what in the world am I doing wrong? I Hope he gets a good night's sleep.... somewhere in his room.
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