Pets

This should be printed and posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and/or Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. I do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs & cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out & having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there & manage to get the door shut, it isn’t necessary to claw & whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge & try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door that I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I will post the following message:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here- You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, they are an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly..
   
   Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
   1. Eat less
   2. Don't ask for money all the time
   3 Are easier to train
   4. Normally come when called
   5. Never ask to drive the car
   6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
   7. Don't smoke or drink
   8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
   9. Don't want to wear your clothes
   10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
   11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children