That's Something to be Proud of

Music is powerful.

It can evoke feelings that you've forgotten. Feelings that you have long since buried deep within the fortress of your mind. You protect yourself from experiences of the past which have hurt you... or which haunt you... or which annoy you... or which leave your heart filled with pangs of emptiness from a devastating loss.

Speaking of music... did you know Whitney Houston died? (chuckle)...

You can be going through a rough patch in life, hear something on the radio and feel completely captivated that someone "got it"... they UNDERSTOOD!

It's amazing the clarity you experience when something you've suppressed is instantly brought to the forefront of your consciousness.

You're not only surprised that someone out there knows exactly what you're feeling or have felt, but also and potentially moreso, that they felt it and were able to write about it using such vivid imagery and in terms exponentially clearer than you would ever have been able to express. Words that immediately bring back that exact experience or feeling that you've been hiding or going through.

It's there. It's fresh. It's raw. It's exposed with a mere strum of the guitar and a few lyrics from an artist.

And this morning... it happened to me.

I've never danced around the fact that music is a great part of my life. I enjoy it. I sing it. I memorize it. It's part of me. I'm not sure I could function as a normal person without that outlet. I would fear the day of losing my hearing knowing that sounds all to familiar to me would soon begin to fade away until I no longer remembered their melody... Benji saying "mama", Josh's belly laugh, Drew's snicker... the birds... my fingers on the keyboard... the sounds of my grandmother's voice which -- although she's been gone years -- I can still hear in my head. I fear the day it would all be a memory. But I digress...

So, as I was driving home on this Valentine's day from dropping Benji off at school, I flipped through the channels on the satellite as I always do. Montgomery Gentry was on. I love them. Country music duo of two strong singers and guitar players. They were belting out a familiar song titled "Something to be Proud Of." Generally speaking, I could just sing along because the words are right there. I know them. I'm familiar with them. Only today, this song took on an entirely new meaning for me. I realize that the writer of this song... he got it. For me... this song is me... right now in life.

Read the lyrics:

There's a story that my daddy tells religiously

Like clockwork every time he sees an opening
In a conversation about the way things used to be
Well I'd just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door
But I'd always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor
Hanging on to every word
Man, the things I heard

It was harder times and longer days
Five miles to school, uphill both ways
We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor
'Course that was back before the war
Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair
Flying F-15's through hostile air
He went down but they missed me by a hair
He'd always stop right there and say...

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of

Son graduatin' college, that was mama's dream
But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18
Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you've got everything
I learned quick those GTO's don't run on faith
I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/montgomery-gentry-lyrics/something-to-be-proud-of-lyrics.html ]
Working maximum hours for minimum wage
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got sold
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of

Aren't the lyrics great? I know you want to hear the melody now... so, here's the video just in case you want to listen to it.

So, I'm pulling out of the preschool parking lot and driving down a wide residential street when I realized that I'd left the movie Cars on. It was the part where Mater is talking to Lightning McQueen when he is in the impound lot.

My name's Mater. What's yours?

You. You don't know my name?

Sure, I know your name..... is your name Mater too?

As I pull up to the railroad tracks to turn left, I hear nothing but the click of the car's blinker. I make my turn onto a two lane, tree-lined road in Colleyville. Million dollar homes are on either side of me. Sometimes I want to enjoy the peace, but today, I wanted to enjoy the tunes. I switched the satellite radio on and began my incessant channel surfing. It's a sickness. I didn't have to go far, however, and found Montgomery Gentry.

I turned up the radio and started singing along... only to get choked up. I felt my eyes begin to burn as they welled with tears. I could feel the flush of my face as it turned red. The sniffles were not far behind. I was moved.

I was moved because... in this moment... this song.. this IS me. And, I realized that I don't give myself half the credit that I deserve for what I have done or what I am doing. I think moms -- especially the ones that stay at home -- we don't. WE DO NOT!

I tried to continue singing the song but I simply could not. I didn't change the channel, however. I wanted to just absorb the message and let it resonate within me. This was fuel for my soul in this moment. I needed to hear this.

I have never asked my mom or dad if I let them down... but I do wonder. Who doesn't? I've never asked them if they're proud of me - though I'd love to know. I'd rather them tell me, however, because they felt compelled to rather than as a response because I asked a directed question. Unfortunately, I'm sure I will never know and I'll probably go to the grave resenting the fact that I won't...but I just won't and it's a peace I've made within myself.

I do make a point, however, to tell my children that I am proud of them because, you know we tend to do things for our children that we missed out on. And that feeling of knowing that someone is proud of you... it's powerful.

I love, however, in the song, he asked his dad if he was ever let down since he didn't go to college and such... and how his dad "lowered his voice and raised his brow". Can you not see this playing out in perfect sequence... raising his brow so that they can see eye to eye. Man to man. Perhaps his head tilted to one side and they stayed with their eyes locked as his dad spoke the truth. A beautiful image that stanza paints in my head.

Moving. What a moment to know how validated your life is... not because you need that to go on and live a happy life, but because someone you respect and look up to loves you not only for who you are... but mostly for what you are. Your core. Your heart.

I realize that I probably won't ever go to law school though that's been my dream. I've got a little guy that deserves just as much of me as his brothers do. I choose now and will choose in the future so long as I am able, to stay home with my boys to provide the kind of life I want them to have. And that IS something to be proud of.

Should I, however, have regrets for making this choice? I guess that's the only thing that troubles me because at times I do. Yet, when I realize that they know that I am a constant here at home for them... the lyrics ring true:

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on

I do the best I can with what I have and, again, the song writer "got it" with these lyrics

And if all you ever really do is the best you can

Well, you did it man"

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of

I realized this morning that I can still be the writer and photographer that I want to be. I can still learn to make fantastically decorated cookies if I choose to. I don't have to be in law school or an attorney because I chose a path that went in a different direction... and by doing that it doesn't mean that I've missed out on anything. I just chose to NOT miss out on so much more. And frankly, that IS something to be proud of.