Friday, October 6, 2006

Can we catch that plane?

I felt like the melody of "stop that pidgeon" was playing as I was racing down Hwy 114 trying to get Josh to the airport in time to make his plane to Iowa to see his dad for his fall break. it's amazing how when you need to be somewhere and feel like you've left in plenty of time to get there people can just all congregate on the highway and not move like I wanted to be part of their insurance seminar. Uh... no! We made it to the airport... and sometimes I think it's a good thing that we do get there in the nick of time because otherwise, I usually get so sad and mopey. He hates it when I cry when he leaves though I do every time. Not on all out boo-hoo session but I definitely get teary eyed. I think, too, it's good for him because it keeps him distracted and he doesn't get scared.

I've had such a hard time with him lately... I've overheard several phone calls with him and his dad and some of the things he has said just seemed kind of peculiar so I asked him point blank range the other day... "Josh, do you talk to your dad about moving to Iowa?" He replied, "yep... I mean, yes" (we work on the "yep's" to adults... big no no in my book). I said, "oh really, how often" and he said that they speak about it every time they're on the phone. After talking with his dad I realize that what he meant was that when his dad would say something like "oh we did such and such. wish you'd have been here"... Josh takes it literally. Basically what it all boils down to is that Josh thinks living up there will be Disneyland ... because, well, he IS a "Disneyland Dad" and that's NOT a bad thing by any means, it just gives Josh a distorted view of reality. So after a couple of days of being able to maintain my composure on the subject, I asked him why he wanted to move up there and he had a laundry list of items... all of which were "fun" things ... we go to the lake, we have a house boat to jump off of, we go on trips to Ohio, we go ride dirt bikes. I explained to him that when he goes up there I WANT him to be excited and do all kinds of fun things andmake great memories and have fun times but if he were to live there every day, it would be like it is here... rules, bedtimes, school, etc. It's not all about fun and games. I attempted to explain that his dad takes off work (I'm assuming) JUST to spend time with him while he is there but if he lived there, he'd be in daycare probably both before AND after school... meaning early mornings and not as many extra curriculuar activities. Got home from dinner and was upset so I started cleaning (which is what I do)... and Josh came downstairs and I just heard "mom... I can't... sllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep" and he lost it. he was just so burdened by this guilt of trying to please his dad by moving up there and then knowing he was going to make everyone else sad if he moved away. It just broke my heart. I finally got it out of him that he did NOT want to move but that he missed his dad. He wanted his dad to be more involved with the things he did and he wanted to spend more time with him. It's hard to explain to a 7 year old that his dad chose to move away... that he knew it would be hard on everyone but he did what he had to do for him and Kelly (his new wife). I said how sorry I was that he was in the middle of it but I did tell him that it's okay to be sad and that it's okay to miss his dad but trying to move away from everythign he knows and has known as his way of life since his dad moved away wouldn't make his heart feel any better. I said your dad already KNOWS what life is like without you... none of us do.

I just think... of all the things I do and have done for Josh's dad to try to keep him involved... I scan in school work, report cards, schedules, order forms for photos, etc I try to keep him in the loop and give him every opportunity TO be involved... but he never does nor is he ever interested. i just know that he'd never recriprocate with me and basically I'd lose my son if he moved up there.

Josh is SO sensitive to people's feelings (except his brother's)...and generally he's more worried about hurting someone's feelings than about his own. He has such a great compassion for humanity and I'm so proud of him but sometimes I just want him to stand up for HIMSELF!

Then Josh leaves to go to Iowa... and even after his dad knows how bad he misses him and how hard a time this has been on him...does he keep him for the full fall break? No.. he keeps him 4 nights and sends him home on Wednesday (early)... ??? I just don't get it... and I can't tell Josh stuff like this... because I'm not one of THOSE parents that speaks ill of children's absent parents... but man... sometimes I'd just like to. :(

Everyone says that some day he'll figure it out... I Just don't think he will... Josh's dad can do no wrong in his eyes.

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