Sunday, March 11, 2012

Target Practice

Moms, this is a public service announcement to you. Teach your young men how to aim for something ... ANYTHING... in the toilet.

Boys love guns.

Fortunately, they're equipped with one -- of sorts -- and, as such, without proper training, can leave their ... um.. "ammo" all over the toilet, the toilet seat (if you're lucky enough to have one that finds it's apparently beneath him to actually use the effort to lift the seat...(ahem...JOSH) ... the wall, the floor... by now I'm sure you're catching my flow. (pun intended)

It's an unpleasant side-effect it seems of being born genetically handicapped (male) so, we moms must do our very best to teach them that not only is cleanliness next to Godliness but the way to make Mommy very happy, is to make sure that the stench of urine isn't flooding the bathroom should she decide to venture in.

My bathroom, by the way, off limits to tri-peds. Period. Well, except the big one but I don't really have a choice.

I do believe it is our job for the simple fact that we are generally the cleaner of the thrones (or at least supervisor of the cleaner of the thrones) in our homes. As such, it is our job to educate those three legged people how to keep the thrones shiny. Worthy of a queen's bottom.

And, if not that, just clean enough that it doesn't disgust your mom, her friends or your grandmother!

Now, while I don't generally clean the toilets in my home, I still have to maintain their sanitary state until such time as my throne cleaner arrives. You may think it pompous of me to suggest those to train tri-peds to be more target-oriented when I, myself, am not even cleaning the thrones in my abode. The answer is simple. I don't clean up everyone's yuck for the simple fact that


It's pretty much that easy.

So, moms. Please. For the love of all things clean and sanitary, teach those kids to make it in the water! If not for YOUR toilet, then for those moms who will be hosting your children when they spend the night. And for those moms whom will be ultimately surveying the restrooms after your children have departed.

Even if your children aren't schooled in the etiquette of being a gracious guest... leaving a clean and tidy bathroom in their departure is almost equally as wonderful and will certainly reflect upon you personally.

Besides, it's one thing cleaning up your own sleepy kids' pee, it's quite another cleaning up someone else's.

I have been know, on occasion, to walk into the downstairs guest bathroom in my home immediately after one of the two older tri-ped offspring have exited to examine the throne. I have raised the seat. I have examined the bowl. I have examined the seat. Yes, I demand a pee-free zone. I am the Pee Nazi.

On occasion, I have noticed "drops" of something on the seat.

(I wasn't there so I can only speculate, of course. Investigators must be thorough, you see. If you did not witness said offense, you need to either have a mountain of evidence or you need to coerce a confession.)


"Yes, ma'am?"

"Were you the last one to use the restroom?"

See? This is how you build a mountain of evidence. He clearly knows that he was the last one to utilize the loo. I do, too, as I watched him exit. However, I have to build my case against him.


"Please come here." I point to said offending drops. "Would you like to sit on this?"

"What is it?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

Blank stares and silence.

This is when you move in for the kill or at least the shock factor.

"Put your hand on the seat... on that drop."

Looks of disgust and the admission in his head that his mother has finally lost all her marbles.


"You were in here less than a minute. I neither heard a lid nor a seat clink that it was raised or lowered. I was the last one in here before you and I assure you that there were no drops on it. You came in here. You peed. You peed on the seat. You didn't wipe it off. Would you like me to pee on your toilet seat?"

"Gross, no."

"Then quit peeing on mine."

He grabs some toilet tissue and wipes it off, throws it in the toilet and flushes while I supervise.

"Grab the seat with your hand."


"Because I said so."

"No, there was just pee on it."

"So you still wouldn't want to sit on it even though you wiped the pee off?"


"Good. Me either."

I hand him what is necessary for cleaning the toilet and I walk out of the restroom.

I'm telling you, ladies, do this a couple of times... your thrones will be pee free.

Target practice!

Do it! You deserve it. And, well, if YOU don't -- I certainly do! ;)

1 comment:

Brandt! said...

haha ... I still do this to my 18 yr old .... NOAH>>> come here please .. look at this toilet seat ... would you sit on that?
GRRRR! I want him to sit on the seat .. he's 6ft 2, standing and aiming and having water splash ..absolutely disgusting!