A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 9

Screw the sentimentality of syrupy, sweet sappiness... let's get real folks.  What are the REAL things we should be thankful for?

A recap:

Day 1:  glow sticks
Day 2:  Pampers
Day 3:  cold weather
Day 4:  Canton, TX
Day 5:  Q-tips
Day 6:  Inside jokes
Day 7:  The inexistence of mind readers
Day 8:  Wal-Martians

...which brings us to today.  Numero nueve.  Neuf.

Day 9, ladies and gentlemen... Day 9 I am thankful for ... thongs.

Yes, thongs.  But I'm not talking about those (above).  When I was a girl, do you know that THOSE were called "thongs"!  They are commonly referred to as "flip-flops" now but back in my day, THEY were thongs.    Could you imagine in present day, your mom calling your friend's mom asking if you left your thongs there?  (Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with boys!)

[Sidebar -- I hate that I'm old enough to actually have a "day" to be "back in"  shudders.]

It's not something that everyone is thankful for.  I mean, there are plenty of granny-panty wearing broads out there who really give the whole idea of undergarments a bad name.  Then again, there are those that need to wear undergarments and simply do not which also gives undergarments a bad name but it's only because they choose not to utilize said undergarments which leads you to believe there may be something wrong with them to begin with.  (Wow, that was a long sentence!)

Now, there is a time and a place for all types of undergarments, but today we are addressing thongs because it's my blog, and it's my day of thanksgiving.

Anyway, yes, thongs.  Just laugh it out...soak it in...  You see, thongs -- these wonderful, tasteful pieces of lingerie prevent THIS:

 and...

The dreaded panty line!!  (GASP!)  I don't care if you have the CUTEST pair of panties out there... they become ugly, disgusting undergarments when they're seen.  It's Tacky 101.  What Not To Wear 101.  Get A Fashion Clue 101.

See, even this girl (below) has a cute backside but it's ... depreciated by the VPL (visible panty lines for those of who are not in the know of the undergarment lingo.)  VPL -- remember it.  You'll thank me someday.



I will say that one of my favorite artists won't even SELL thongs at his shows in a size larger than a medium (I think) -- or he didn't use to... There should definitely be limitations to the sizes they will carry for this particular type of undergarment.  Why? Because if your backside looks like a two 100 pound bags of marbles to begin with... pantylines are the last thing you need to be worrying about!  Go for comfort... and go to the gym!

Kid Rock -- you rock!  He doesn't want his name on this.



Now, there are good ways to wear thongs which I really don't think should even have to be discussed because if there are no VPLs and no butt floss peep show, the wearer clearly a) has a clue; b) is going commando or c) is sportin the Spanx.

And, there are bad ways to wear thongs
  a) it's the wrong color, b) it's 2 sizes too small and c) DAMN that's just... gross!

or  or
 Or  

I mean, you know, we are all so very excited that you like to try to slice yourself in half with a wedgie from hell but seriously, we're not interested in your butt floss images burned to our corneas!

Well, most of us aren't.  Some of you freaks out there may like that... I, however, find it tacky.  I'm sure there are guys out there who like this trash.  So, hey Joe Blow, just be sure to have her back to the bar for her set -- it's at 11 at Baby Dolls.  BYOB.

OH, I should definitely mention the fact that I'm only and completely referring to women's undergarments in this entry... because this
and definitely this....  

are just all kinds of gross to me.  So, I could also incorporate into this that I'm quite thankful that the whole idea of men's thongs are really for a very small group of individuals who I think should ALWAYS remain nameless because they're disgusting.  Fuzzy butt cheeks are not sexy in cotton floss.  Never.  Ever.

A Month of Thankfulness -- Day 8

Today, I'm thankful for Wal-Martians for without them, some people would never be able to feel better about themselves... or feel comfortable going out in public some place that isn't as accepting of their species as is Wal-Mart.

I can honestly say that I have never witnessed some of this brand of "strange" first hand, but I know it's out there.... camera phones do not lie.


There are literally thousands of these photos out there.... This guy apparently escaped the set of BrokeBack Mountain to grab some Bud Light.  He seems to have forgotten something, however....


This is one hot pink mess of a muffin top!  You really shouldn't try to fit into your toddler's clothing!  I can only hope that her daughter has a better sense of self worth... and less pink.

She's smiling.  She clearly is a lunatic.  Couldn't you see her frolicking down the aisles in her tutu and tiara without a care in the world?  You can, can't you?  See?  That's why this shit is NORMAL at WALMART!!!  The very fact that you CAN totally envision her being all giggly and giddy about all this friggin tulle is ... crazy. Perhaps you should join her.


He hasn't seen his man parts in the better part of fifteen years, I'm guessing.  If you have to spread your legs apart for the sole purpose to need to let a forty pound fleshy bag of fat hang between your legs, you really, REALLY need to lay off the cheeseburgers and, I don't know, pick up a dumbbell or something.


I've seen far too many people of Wal-Mart with the telltale signs of severe abdominal distress.  How does one not KNOW they have shat upon themselves?  Bleh!


I have also seen many images of the nests of tangled, matted, ratted, disgusting lumps of what was formerly known as human hair.  I don't understand how one simply wakes up one day and chooses never again to comb their hair... that they'd rather have it in one immobile clump caked with a stench equally large.  I fully believe hoarders could hide dead things in here and they'd never know.  That HAS to itch.  That IS disgusting.  She could wear Native American clothing, add a little face to the end and she has some type of ceremonial pelt already attached to her hair!  Now THERE's a great idea!  I bet she could apply for jobs and be given them based on her Native American heritage, too.



This.... took a helluva lot of AquaNet.



Do you see that his pants are two sizes too large?  Hers are two sizes too small.  That is just.... absolutely nasty.  I seriously think the only reason he is with her is because she could beat his ASS if he tried to leave.


Ever amazed at the human body, I am.  Do you see how small her waist really is?  ... and them BAM add about 2 feet onto the hips.  That's just crazy.  Even being, there is a bright orange cone of a person walking with her who should clearly tell her that the crack of her ass is hanging out the back of her pants.  I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL THAT DAMN DRAFT LADY?!  I have seen this in Wal-Mart before and it takes every single FIBER of my being not to throw ANYTHING down the back of their pants for target practice.  IT's disgusting.  YOU CAN FEEL THE DRAFT.... and more importantly, I DONT WANT TO SEE YOUR BUTTHOLE when you BEND OVER FOR PAPER PLATES!  Either lay off the Cheetoes or BUY SOEM BIGGER PANTS!  Just because you can fasten them, does NOT MEAN THEY FIT!


She took the idea of a Sobakawa pillow to a whole new level.  Just sayin'.



Head band? Check.  Lace fabric?  Check.  Jeans with extra pockets sewn on the front in navy?  Check.  Feigning appearance of a bra?  Check  American flag tied around and used to hold up the right boob?  Check.  Appearance of being in deep thought?  Check.  She may be a hippie freak, but... frankly... she's cool... in a creepy-don't-do-that-in-public type of way.  I bet she plays guitar, sits around getting stoned, drinks Jack Daniels out of a Sonic cup, reads everything she can get her hands on and hangs out in the nudist colony with her equally creepy man... the one with the shaved head and 3 foot rat tail hanging down the back... which was tie-dyed.


One hot mess.... literally.


Again with the hair...  and people of size... horizontal stripes are NOT your friend.

Oh look, this is the hippie's offspring!


Get a dressing room...

Don't you all feel quite superior now?

You do?

You're welcome.

:)  You, too, can be thankful for ... Wal-Martians.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 7

Today, I'm quite thankful for the fact that people can't read my mind...
because a great deal of time it's quite full of contempt, disdain, animosity and just a general feeling of annoyance at the putrid ignorance that is spewed on a daily basis.  People are stoopid.





(See this?  This is me... in my head... wanting to scream and hit people with pointy objects)

However, I'm quite good at feigning interest in the minutiae where conversations tend to wallow... so if you see me looking quite interested you can rest assured that I have mastered the appearance of being genuinely engaged.

Thankful for the non-mind readers, am I.

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 6

So we've had

1) Glow sticks
2) Pampers
3) Cold weather 
4) Canton
5) Q-tips

Today, I have to say that I'm quite thankful for inside jokes.  So, if you don't get any of these.... you're obviously not on the "inside" and it's not a bad thing.... some of these are older than some of you!  

"Betty, pick up your weenies please."

"I need guacamole!!"

"Embrace your inner lumberjack."

"Dictionary"

"nom nom nom"

"bean bag therapy"

"Screen shots!"

"Grub Worms"

"He must be from Vail."

"There's an app for that."

"To infinity and beyond."

"... an Olympic swimming pool."

"But what do I do with the other half?"

"... you know they don't allow that in here, right?"  

"Whipperberry"

"Excuse me, but you ate my ring."

"I love you from the top of your head to your Urethra Franklin."

"Just wave with your foot... "

"...if it bites you. You'll die.  We'll be sad.  Back away."

Gosh there are so many others.... but these were the first ones that came to mind...

A Month of Thanksgiving -- Days 1-5

All over Facebook, posters are giving their daily dose of "thankful".  I thought it would be fun to play along as well. Unfortunately I started a couple of days late so there will be some catching up to do. So, days one through five... Here we go.

1)  Glow sticks.
And yes, I'm being completely fo' ree-yule (real).  They're not only fun, colorful, bright and glow-y... they just make people happy.  Give a kid a glow stick and they become superheroes.  Hell, I think I AM a superhero and I don't even have one.  Hmmm perhaps it's just that I became one from osmosis when purchasing the box!!  With a glow stick, you can fight the Dark Side, you can poke things, you can swing it around like it's a rave!  You can play catch in the dark!  Glow sticks!  Think about it!

2)  And since this number is so fitting for this past week/month/time period... (I'll wait a second for you to catch up... )

Okay, are you back now?

Got it?

Good.

Yes, this week has been THE SHITS!  Literally and physically.  So, my choice for deux is Pampers.    Because without them, I would have been up to my eyeballs in shit-soaked cloth diapers this past week.  And, mind you, while I have nothing against those who choose to utilize them because they're much more environmentally friendly and earth-responsible (frankly, those people are my hero because I'm a closet "greenie" in my head), I just personally have no desire to play with fecal matter any more than I absolutely have to.  The less chance I have of it touching me, the better. And, I certainly don't want it in my washing machine.

3)  Cold weather.  I'm not talking about the plug-in-your-car and wear-protective-eyewear-so-your-eyeballs-don't-freeze type of cold... I'm talking about the level of "cold" where you can wear... FLANNEL!    As I commonly tell Tamara, "embrace your inner lumberjack."  It's warm, it's fuzzy, it's stylish, it's great with layering... it's flannel....and it's only comfortable when it's cold!  Yeah for cold weather!

4)  Canton, Texas.  Where else are you going to watch a bunch of ginormously overweight people driving scooters instead of walking (apparenly fitness is over-rated) while eating copious amounts of fried things and consuming gallons of sugar-laden soda.... while bartering for goods.  Canton, it's a garage sale, antique store, crafter's delight and flea market all in one.  And, I love it!  Notice the funnel cake sign?  That was no accident!  Oh, and Janet, if you're reading -- CORN DOG!  :)  (They have those too! ha ha!) Canton, where you can shop for clothing, jewelry, jalapeno popper grill mates, orthopedic flip flops, circa 1940 retired China patterns, an airplane fuselage and vintage Star Wars toys... Canton.  Much to be thankful for.

5) And now after this, I'm caught up.  Today on Facebook I was grateful for the movie The Lorax.  Why?  Not because it was brilliantly scripted (though it is) or cleverly pixelated (it is that, as well) but because it gave me the opportunity to actually TAKE A SHOWER without Benji trying to open the door repeatedly
...or throw stuff AT the door while I was trying to suds up the mane
...or torture the canines causing me to then have to LEAVE the warm confines of my glass enclosure to chase him down and save the fur babies.  (It's quite amazing how quickly you can run when you're naked, dripping wet and in hot pursuit of a fleeing toddler because you're COLD!

You see, we had Daylight Savings Time this weekend.  You know the fun creation of our government which makes everyone feel so special like they get an extra hour of sleep one night each fall... only to take it back each spring.  My son, yeah, the time change doesn't go over so well for him.  He was up at the crack of dawn... as in 7am... before I could get a shower.

I used to HATE Daylight Savings Time when I worked at the Sheriff's Office in Colorado because we weren't compensated for an additional hour when we clearly worked it (I worked midnights.)

So, anyway, I posted about that and someone piped in and asked if that was what I was thankful for today.  And I said, "No, today I'm thankful for Qtips."

Yep, you heard me, so, Numero Cinco is Qtips.  Why am I thankful for Q-tips?  Because what the hell else are you going to stick in your ear to clean them?  (My grandfather used to use the caps of ball-point pens.  That still grosses me out to this day.)  However, let's be real, shall we?  We all know that the box CLEARLY states not to enter the ear canal, yet, I am not sure I have ever met a person who doesn't clean the inside of their ears with a Q-tips.

[And, for the record, I don't like plural words that are to be used singularly.  That's like saying, "Bring me a pair of scissors."  Yet, it's NOT a PAIR of anything.  It's "A" scissors.  The one, singular item is called "scissors."  The only person I have ever heard utilize this word correctly (other than myself) would be... Mrs. Perfect, herself... 


However, this accolade only goes so far because she pronounces the "h" in the word "herb" and that, frankly, makes me think she's an idiot.  Albeit, a perfect one, but still an idiot, nonetheless.

Sunday Stealing

Welcome to the start of a new week, and a new episode of Sunday Stealing!



Sunday Stealing: Who Are you? Part 3 & 4 – Is it over yet?

Part 3: Past

 34. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? Obviously, having children.  Everything changes after you have children... your life and your priorities, your desires, dreams and wants are on hold until their footing in life is established and they've begun to be trained to be responsible, self-sufficient, productive members of society.

 35. What do you consider your greatest achievement? To be honest, making it through the last month of my life without winding up on anti-depressants, or stabbing someone with a fork... in the neck... repeatedly.

 36. What is your greatest regret? I try not to live with or in any sense of regret.  While that's definitely easier to say than to do, there can be an element of regret in knowing what I might miss out on if I DON'T more forward with a particular goal or action.  This type of thinking is what drives me... because I DON'T want to miss out and have to live with regrets.

 37. What is the most evil thing you have ever done? I'm not capable of evil.  

 38. When was the time you were the most frightened? That's a memory I will choose to not share on my wall... thank you.

 39. What is your best memory? I have too many to list.... I don't have just one "best" memory.  


 Part 4: Beliefs And Opinions

 40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? I'm a realist... While I may expect the worst, I hope for the best and it usually winds up somewhere in the middle but my mind and heart are then prepared for whatever is to come.  

 41. What is your greatest fear? Losing the person who completes my soul... 

 42. What are your religious views? I'm spiritual, but not religious.  I have yet to feel at "home" in a church... sad, but true.

 43. State a random opinion? I think people who raise animals to fight, attend these events or bet on these events (like cock fights, bull fights or dog fights) are without a soul and should be eradicated from the earth.  To find pleasure in the torture of another living, feeling, breathing creature and not have compassion and empathy means you SUCK....

 44. What are your views on sex? I think that it's a three letter word that is given a four-letter-word reputation.  

 45. Are you able to cook? Extremely well thankyouverymuch.

 46. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? Two things about evil -- starting to wonder if someone's collecting fodder for some serial killer novel or something.  

 47. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?  Sigh... yes, I do.

 48. What do you believe makes a successful life? Apparently that would be living... if you live... you've been successful at living.  ;)  Right?  I don't feel like I've LIVED a successful life to have the authority to select specific criterion for such.

 49. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?   Brutally.

50. Do you have any biases or prejudices? Doesn't everyone?

 51. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? I don't know really.  I could say that I'd never murder another living being but if someone were to harm my children, that'd be the only goal in my mind.  I could say that I'd never shoot a deer but if my family needed to eat, you bet your ass I'd be in the brush covered in musk the day the season started.  So, I really never say never... you just don't know what situations you may be faced with.  

 52. Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? Anyone I love is worthy of extremes.  What's the point of the emotion if you're not willing to show it?

Saturday 9 - Key Largo

It's time again for Saturday 9.  This week's theme is Key Largo.




1) This song was inspired by the Bogart/Bacall movie of the same name. Do you have a favorite Humphrey Bogart film? Which one? Definitely Casablanca.  There is about a four-way tie for second place as I'm a HUGE Bogey fan!

 2) Where do you rent movies? (Netflix, Redbox, OnDemand, etc.) I don't.

 3) Have you ever been to the Florida Keys? Nope.

 4) According to government statistics, more than half the people who currently live in Florida were born in another state. Were you born in the state where you currently live? Nope, I'm a native Texan although I have lived in Colorado and Ohio.

 5) To be honest, Crazy Sam really hates this week's featured song. Do you like it? Loathe it? Or are you unfamiliar with it? I did actually have to listen to it to see if I even know what it was.  While I am familiar with it, I think I could easily pass on it.  It's quite high on the "cheese" factor.  

 6) Local authorities in a suburb of Sydney blasted Barry Manilow songs into a neighborhood park to keep "hooligans" away after dark. Is there an artist or song that would make you run in the other direction? This is hilarious!  Manilow as a deterrent?  BWAHAHAHAHAHHA  I LOVE IT!  Ummmm.... I'm not a big fan of Reba McEntyre or most mainstream (c)rap... or death metal.  That just gives me a headache.  If they were blasting GWAR, I would definitely turn the other direction.

 7) Two of the most common fears are going to the dentist and speaking in public. Do either of those really get under your skin? I would rather speak before Congress than go to the dentist.  I hate it.  Truth!

 8) We're having burgers. What do you want on yours? I like pico de gallo and avocado or green leaf lettuce, red onion, thick sliced cheese, juicy tomato and mustard.

 9) Here's your chance to do a shameless plug -- What charity or cause do you wish got more support?  My mom's!  Irving Police and Fire Blue Christmas where they raise money for food and toys for needy families during the holidays.  The majority of the town, it seems, is low income so they're getting harder hit each year!