Friday, November 9, 2012

A Month of Thanksgiving - Day 9

Screw the sentimentality of syrupy, sweet sappiness... let's get real folks.  What are the REAL things we should be thankful for?

A recap:

Day 1:  glow sticks
Day 2:  Pampers
Day 3:  cold weather
Day 4:  Canton, TX
Day 5:  Q-tips
Day 6:  Inside jokes
Day 7:  The inexistence of mind readers
Day 8:  Wal-Martians

...which brings us to today.  Numero nueve.  Neuf.

Day 9, ladies and gentlemen... Day 9 I am thankful for ... thongs.

Yes, thongs.  But I'm not talking about those (above).  When I was a girl, do you know that THOSE were called "thongs"!  They are commonly referred to as "flip-flops" now but back in my day, THEY were thongs.    Could you imagine in present day, your mom calling your friend's mom asking if you left your thongs there?  (Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with boys!)

[Sidebar -- I hate that I'm old enough to actually have a "day" to be "back in"  shudders.]

It's not something that everyone is thankful for.  I mean, there are plenty of granny-panty wearing broads out there who really give the whole idea of undergarments a bad name.  Then again, there are those that need to wear undergarments and simply do not which also gives undergarments a bad name but it's only because they choose not to utilize said undergarments which leads you to believe there may be something wrong with them to begin with.  (Wow, that was a long sentence!)

Now, there is a time and a place for all types of undergarments, but today we are addressing thongs because it's my blog, and it's my day of thanksgiving.

Anyway, yes, thongs.  Just laugh it out...soak it in...  You see, thongs -- these wonderful, tasteful pieces of lingerie prevent THIS:


The dreaded panty line!!  (GASP!)  I don't care if you have the CUTEST pair of panties out there... they become ugly, disgusting undergarments when they're seen.  It's Tacky 101.  What Not To Wear 101.  Get A Fashion Clue 101.

See, even this girl (below) has a cute backside but it's ... depreciated by the VPL (visible panty lines for those of who are not in the know of the undergarment lingo.)  VPL -- remember it.  You'll thank me someday.

I will say that one of my favorite artists won't even SELL thongs at his shows in a size larger than a medium (I think) -- or he didn't use to... There should definitely be limitations to the sizes they will carry for this particular type of undergarment.  Why? Because if your backside looks like a two 100 pound bags of marbles to begin with... pantylines are the last thing you need to be worrying about!  Go for comfort... and go to the gym!

Kid Rock -- you rock!  He doesn't want his name on this.

Now, there are good ways to wear thongs which I really don't think should even have to be discussed because if there are no VPLs and no butt floss peep show, the wearer clearly a) has a clue; b) is going commando or c) is sportin the Spanx.

And, there are bad ways to wear thongs
  a) it's the wrong color, b) it's 2 sizes too small and c) DAMN that's just... gross!

or  or

I mean, you know, we are all so very excited that you like to try to slice yourself in half with a wedgie from hell but seriously, we're not interested in your butt floss images burned to our corneas!

Well, most of us aren't.  Some of you freaks out there may like that... I, however, find it tacky.  I'm sure there are guys out there who like this trash.  So, hey Joe Blow, just be sure to have her back to the bar for her set -- it's at 11 at Baby Dolls.  BYOB.

OH, I should definitely mention the fact that I'm only and completely referring to women's undergarments in this entry... because this
and definitely this....  

are just all kinds of gross to me.  So, I could also incorporate into this that I'm quite thankful that the whole idea of men's thongs are really for a very small group of individuals who I think should ALWAYS remain nameless because they're disgusting.  Fuzzy butt cheeks are not sexy in cotton floss.  Never.  Ever.


The Craft Shack said...

OMG.....I about pee'd my pants reading this...dear God do people just not own mirrors or have people that love them to tell them they are not allowed out of the house looking like that???!!!

zippiknits said...

My sister claims they are the most comfortable underthings she wore. Go figure. I'm with you on this one, April. Lol!

The Liebers said...

I like to wear mine when I need a little extra *fun* in my day. If you do it right, they can be quite comfortable. That's probably more info from me than you ever wanted, huh? ;P