Faces of Death

Did you hear that Whitney Houston died?

Can you turn to any channel without being bombarded with that stooooooopid song that I'm so ridiculously sick of hearing. Yeah, she died. SO WHAT?!

I'm not trying to be callous to the extent that her family doesn't feel a real loss, but people die every day. In her case it shouldn't have been a matter of IF but WHEN. She was a train-wreck addict. They die every day. Her talent was gone. Her addictions killed her gift. She went from pop-diva to pill-popper. She's dead. Get over it.

I heard tale that they were flying the US flag at HALF STAFF for HER? Seriously? You're lowering our NATIONAL symbol of freedom for a drug addict? I'm ASHAMED OF YOU!

If you're going to lower that symbol that people are STILL FIGHTING FOR for that broke, talent-loss, drug addict then you should by ALL MEANS lower it for the men and women how have since died fighting for what it represents!

So, take a look, shall we...at the faces of death. No, this isn't a review of the gristly videos of various ways to die that had a somewhat cultish following in my high school years. This is an actual post to look at the faces of the fallen soldiers. http://apps.washingtonpost.com/national/fallen/dates/2012/ if you're so inclined to read about the men who have paid the ultimate price for our freedom in the war on terror. And, I'm not a proponent of the war. I hate war, but I support these men who are willing to place THEIR lives on the line for me... and for my family... and for you!

The heroes who have been lost so far in the year 2012:

Private First Class Caesar Cortez, 24 from CA

Lance Cpl. Osbrany Motes De Oca, 20, from NJ

Sgt. 1st Class Billy A. Sutton, 42, from MS

Corporal Joseph D. Logan, 22, from Texas

Corporal Jesse W. Stites, 23, from MD

Corporal Kevin J. Reinhard, 25, from NJ

Capt. Nathan R. McHone, 29, from IL

Capt. Joshua C. Pairsh, 29, from IL

Corporal Christopher G. Singer, 23, from CA

1LT David A. Johnson, 24, from WI

Sgt. William C. Stacey, 23, CA

Lance Corporal Edward J. Dycus, 22, MS

Bri. General Terence J. Hildner, 49, VA

Capt. Daniel Bartle, 27, from WA

Petty Officer 1st Class Chad Regelin, 24, CA

Tech Sgt. Matthew S. Schwartz, 34, MI

Senior Airman Brian Bell, 23, PA

Staff Sgt. Jonathan Metzger, 32, from Indiana

Private 1st Class Neil Turner, 21, from Washington

Private 1st Class Michael Pyron, 30, from Virginia

Sgt. 1st Class Benjamin Wise, 34, Arkansas

Lance Corporal Kenneth Cochran, 20, ID

Corporal Jon-Luke Bateman, 22, OK

Private 1st Class Dustin Napier, 20, KY

Spec. Robert Tauteris, Jr. 44, Indiana

Corporal Phillip D. McGeath, 25, AZ

Spec. Brian Leonhardt, 21, Indiana

Spec. Christopher Patterson, 20, Illinois

Spec. Kenneth Benson, 27, Mass

Airman 1st Class Matthew Seidler, 24 MD

Master Sargeant Travis Riddick, 40, Iowa

These are the faces of the men who deserve the flags lowered on their behalf. I'm so sick of our over-sexualized, over-sensationalized, over-done, over-covered media giving so much air-time to shit that doesn't even matter.

She died.

Yeah, it sucks for her kid.

Get over it! Junkies die every day.

And so do people that actually are going out there and doing theier best for US... us here back at home and we owe them a huge debt of gratitude that we'll never be able to repay. Their families left to grieve without their loved ones are owed more than us flying our flags at half-staff for a junkie. I'm sorry. It's mean. I'm ruthless but by golly, someone has to put their foot down sometime. I've never been one to sugar-coat anything (other than my sugar cookies -- and they're quite good, by the way) and this is no different.

GET OVER IT! Give media attention and honor where it is DUE and DESERVED!

That's Something to be Proud of

Music is powerful.

It can evoke feelings that you've forgotten. Feelings that you have long since buried deep within the fortress of your mind. You protect yourself from experiences of the past which have hurt you... or which haunt you... or which annoy you... or which leave your heart filled with pangs of emptiness from a devastating loss.

Speaking of music... did you know Whitney Houston died? (chuckle)...

You can be going through a rough patch in life, hear something on the radio and feel completely captivated that someone "got it"... they UNDERSTOOD!

It's amazing the clarity you experience when something you've suppressed is instantly brought to the forefront of your consciousness.

You're not only surprised that someone out there knows exactly what you're feeling or have felt, but also and potentially moreso, that they felt it and were able to write about it using such vivid imagery and in terms exponentially clearer than you would ever have been able to express. Words that immediately bring back that exact experience or feeling that you've been hiding or going through.

It's there. It's fresh. It's raw. It's exposed with a mere strum of the guitar and a few lyrics from an artist.

And this morning... it happened to me.

I've never danced around the fact that music is a great part of my life. I enjoy it. I sing it. I memorize it. It's part of me. I'm not sure I could function as a normal person without that outlet. I would fear the day of losing my hearing knowing that sounds all to familiar to me would soon begin to fade away until I no longer remembered their melody... Benji saying "mama", Josh's belly laugh, Drew's snicker... the birds... my fingers on the keyboard... the sounds of my grandmother's voice which -- although she's been gone years -- I can still hear in my head. I fear the day it would all be a memory. But I digress...

So, as I was driving home on this Valentine's day from dropping Benji off at school, I flipped through the channels on the satellite as I always do. Montgomery Gentry was on. I love them. Country music duo of two strong singers and guitar players. They were belting out a familiar song titled "Something to be Proud Of." Generally speaking, I could just sing along because the words are right there. I know them. I'm familiar with them. Only today, this song took on an entirely new meaning for me. I realize that the writer of this song... he got it. For me... this song is me... right now in life.

Read the lyrics:

There's a story that my daddy tells religiously

Like clockwork every time he sees an opening
In a conversation about the way things used to be
Well I'd just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door
But I'd always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor
Hanging on to every word
Man, the things I heard

It was harder times and longer days
Five miles to school, uphill both ways
We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor
'Course that was back before the war
Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair
Flying F-15's through hostile air
He went down but they missed me by a hair
He'd always stop right there and say...

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of

Son graduatin' college, that was mama's dream
But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18
Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you've got everything
I learned quick those GTO's don't run on faith
I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/montgomery-gentry-lyrics/something-to-be-proud-of-lyrics.html ]
Working maximum hours for minimum wage
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got sold
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of

Aren't the lyrics great? I know you want to hear the melody now... so, here's the video just in case you want to listen to it.

So, I'm pulling out of the preschool parking lot and driving down a wide residential street when I realized that I'd left the movie Cars on. It was the part where Mater is talking to Lightning McQueen when he is in the impound lot.

My name's Mater. What's yours?

You. You don't know my name?

Sure, I know your name..... is your name Mater too?

As I pull up to the railroad tracks to turn left, I hear nothing but the click of the car's blinker. I make my turn onto a two lane, tree-lined road in Colleyville. Million dollar homes are on either side of me. Sometimes I want to enjoy the peace, but today, I wanted to enjoy the tunes. I switched the satellite radio on and began my incessant channel surfing. It's a sickness. I didn't have to go far, however, and found Montgomery Gentry.

I turned up the radio and started singing along... only to get choked up. I felt my eyes begin to burn as they welled with tears. I could feel the flush of my face as it turned red. The sniffles were not far behind. I was moved.

I was moved because... in this moment... this song.. this IS me. And, I realized that I don't give myself half the credit that I deserve for what I have done or what I am doing. I think moms -- especially the ones that stay at home -- we don't. WE DO NOT!

I tried to continue singing the song but I simply could not. I didn't change the channel, however. I wanted to just absorb the message and let it resonate within me. This was fuel for my soul in this moment. I needed to hear this.

I have never asked my mom or dad if I let them down... but I do wonder. Who doesn't? I've never asked them if they're proud of me - though I'd love to know. I'd rather them tell me, however, because they felt compelled to rather than as a response because I asked a directed question. Unfortunately, I'm sure I will never know and I'll probably go to the grave resenting the fact that I won't...but I just won't and it's a peace I've made within myself.

I do make a point, however, to tell my children that I am proud of them because, you know we tend to do things for our children that we missed out on. And that feeling of knowing that someone is proud of you... it's powerful.

I love, however, in the song, he asked his dad if he was ever let down since he didn't go to college and such... and how his dad "lowered his voice and raised his brow". Can you not see this playing out in perfect sequence... raising his brow so that they can see eye to eye. Man to man. Perhaps his head tilted to one side and they stayed with their eyes locked as his dad spoke the truth. A beautiful image that stanza paints in my head.

Moving. What a moment to know how validated your life is... not because you need that to go on and live a happy life, but because someone you respect and look up to loves you not only for who you are... but mostly for what you are. Your core. Your heart.

I realize that I probably won't ever go to law school though that's been my dream. I've got a little guy that deserves just as much of me as his brothers do. I choose now and will choose in the future so long as I am able, to stay home with my boys to provide the kind of life I want them to have. And that IS something to be proud of.

Should I, however, have regrets for making this choice? I guess that's the only thing that troubles me because at times I do. Yet, when I realize that they know that I am a constant here at home for them... the lyrics ring true:

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on

I do the best I can with what I have and, again, the song writer "got it" with these lyrics

And if all you ever really do is the best you can

Well, you did it man"

That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of

I realized this morning that I can still be the writer and photographer that I want to be. I can still learn to make fantastically decorated cookies if I choose to. I don't have to be in law school or an attorney because I chose a path that went in a different direction... and by doing that it doesn't mean that I've missed out on anything. I just chose to NOT miss out on so much more. And frankly, that IS something to be proud of.

Happy V-Day!

Happy Valentine's Day O' Dearest Blog. How I have missed thee...

I have had much to write about, yet I have let other distractions consume my time. Regardless of the cause, I'm here now... with you... to share with you...

It's Valentine's Day. Aren't you just giddy with excitement? This is one holiday I've never really had great expectations for, nor generally participated in. Granted, when I was young, my mom would get us a stuffed heart or some flowers or some thoughtful token which was appreciated. However, age I matured, I realized that it's just not me.

Frankly, I'm not one to really enjoy receiving gifts. I find it awkward and frustrating and, yes, while it is true that it's the thought that counts... it's easy to be let down if something fails to meet your expectations.

Flowers - red roses, the symbol of true love. Generally, I don't enjoy fresh cut flowers for the simple fact that you have to maintain them in order for them to live. If you haven't noticed, I have quite enough to "maintain" without worrying about flower that are going to meet an untimely death...at my hand. It's stress. It's pressure. Why bother?

Candy - Also, I don't understand the whole chocolate thing. Why give a girl a 5 pound box of chocolates and then get pissed when she gains weight? YOU just gave her FIVE POUNDS OF CHOCOLATE?!

Dinner - Have you ever been to dinner on Valentine's Day? It's INSANE!?!?! Even with a reservation, you'll be looking at a one-hour wait for a table. The kitchen will be backed up... they'll screw up your order. It's a recipe for a nightmare. Again, why bother?!

Stuffed animals - Puh-leez, I'm almost 40. This shouldn't even be plausible that a woman my age wants a dust-mite collecting-made-in-China-overpriced bear holding a pink velvet conversation heart. So save your nickels.

I think Valentine's Day has a place in the hearts of children... and in new romances... and in the younger crowd, but for this chick... just smile. Be nice. Eat my food. Hold my hand. Be there. Be yourself. Be constant. Be steady. Be humble. Those are the best gifts for Valentine's Day... because those are things you can do EVERYDAY. Forcing someone to go above and beyond for the sake of a Hallmark-created holiday is just not my style, man.

But for those that do celebrate it, Happy VD! (ha, see, had to end it like that... didn't I?)

On the nine

I'm going to start a monthly "on the nine" post to list what I'm currently doing (you know, just for fun!)

listening to rain falling outside. It's been a while. Other than that, complete silence (and, of course, the tapping of my cold fingers on the keyboard)

loving -- my huge salad I just ate, the fact that I can get back in some of my favorite jeans still even after the holidays, planning some trips, purging, being organized.

thinking -- about Scouting and our year ahead. (Yes, I'm a nerd like that!)

wanting -- a Roomba to clean up the dog hair off the floor daily. I swear I vacuum and a day later it looks like I haven't in a week. It's very frustrating. Motivation to a) get to the gym b) stay on Weight Watchers and c) follow Flylady

needing -- a hair cut (it's been over a year... it's time)

MY WORD FOR THE YEAR -- FOCUS!

Tuesday - back to normal

The house has been de-Christmased today. I always say it and I always mean it -- it's kind of sad to put away all the "fluff" because it just makes the house look so nice.

I like the lights.

I like the tree.

I like the lit garland.

I love my nativity.

I love it all.

Sigh.

And it's all packed neatly in tubs in my attic (thanks to my wonderful dad!)

Today was my first day of a "break" since mid-December. All the kids were back in school. I was going to dance a jig but I didn't get a break all day. I was up at 6:30 a.m. making a quick breakfast only to spend my morning from 8-9 doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen breakfast dishes, putting away clean dishes and picking up a playroom all while feeding and entertaining a curious toddler who appeared to be quite sleepy.

I dropped Benji off at school at 9:30 and returned home to find my dad here waiting for me. And down they came... two mantles, two trees, tons of ornaments, lots of lights, a plethora of Santas.... all packed away carefully until next year.

We did take a lunch break (Chipotle). I ate half a veggie burrito and saved the other half for Josh.

From 10am to 2pm we got this house put back together.

I left at 2:10 pm to pick up Benji (and I even remembered his snack and chocolate milk) and went from there to sit in the three different carpool lines. Oh what fun.

We came home and it was back to work... house, laundry, entertaining little people.

Eventually, Josh and I had a "come to Jesus" meeting about his room. I sat there while he actually DID "clean" it since he apparently has no idea what "clean" really is. It's soooo fun spending your time sitting on a bed watching someone work. Yes, it would have been easier to do it all myself but he wouldn't have learned a darn thing.

Drew... Drew got grounded from his iTouch because apparently he thought it was a good idea to throw a wooden block at me when he didn't like what I said. No, I didn't pick it up and throw it back at him -- my luck I'd have taken out an eye and then had guilt. This way the guilt is all his. His only option at that point was to read in his room... and he did... three books!

Cotton Patch was on the dinner menu. Healthy? Nope. Wasn't I supposed to start eating better again? Yes. However, the healthy eating plan will start -- but it can't start until I get to the grocery store to get some food to eat!

I couldn't make dinner tonight because I was cleaning the oven...boy that stinks! STANKS! But, it's clean...and I will remember to line it with foil this time so as not to make it hard to clean in the future! Foil on the bottom makes clean up a SNAP!

I did remember to take my POTD for today. Unfortunately, it's on the new camera and I just was able to install the new software and am not totally familiar with how to do transfers and such so those will have to come a week at a time! :)

It was a productive day...

If only I could go sleep in my own bed tonight. Andy is sick and lets just say it's much, much, MUCH too loud in there to even attempt sleeping... so tonight it's sofa city. Yuck.

Toodles

Day One and My Word

It's the first day of a new year and I started it out right! Waffles and bacon! Whoop whoop! (Okay, not for me, but for everyone else!)

Josh had a friend stay over so he was busy with them. Drew was just getting back to "normal" after his sleepover the night before with his friend, Joshua where he was up until about 1:30 am.

I purged today... the kitchen, the junk drawers, my computer files. It feels good!

The majority of my day was spent getting my Household binder set up for the new year. I'm ready to go with new Daily Dockets so that I'm focused and will get things accomplished. Scheduling time to do the things that I WANT to do instead of getting side tracked on things like Pinterest and Facebook.

The eating plan is back on track. I will say I was quite tempted with the chocolate dipped / sprinkle-covered pretzel rods I made for Benji but I have resisted (so far).

We got the outdoor Christmas lights put away -- hard to have an excuse NOT TO when it's 70 degrees outside!

I got the garage cleaned up.

My car cleaned out.

My "in box" whittled down to a manageable pile.

About a dozen magazines read and recycled with the interesting articles and/or recipes I want to review pulled.

I unsubscribed from about four e-mail newsletters in an effort to further simplify and streamline and maintain focus.

You know, that is my word for the year -- "focus"

Every year, Ali Edwards, does a "One Little Word" challenge on her blog. This year my word is "focus."

Webster's online describes "Focus" as a noun

a : a point at which rays (as of light, heat, or sound) converge or from which they diverge or appear to diverge;specifically : the point where the geometrical lines or their prolongations conforming to the rays diverging from or converging toward another point intersect and give rise to an image after reflection by a mirror or refraction by a lens or optical systemb : a point of convergence of a beam of particles (as electrons)

2

a : focal lengthb : adjustment for distinct vision; also : the area that may be seen distinctly or resolved into a clear imagec : a state or condition permitting clear perception or understanding focus>d : direction 6c focus>

3

: one of the fixed points that with the corresponding directrix defines a conic section

4

: a localized area of disease or the chief site of a generalized disease or infection

5

a : a center of activity, attraction, or attention focusof the meeting was drug abuse>b : a point of concentration

6

: the place of origin of an earthquake or moonquake

7

: directed attention : emphasis

— fo·cus·less adjective

— in focus

: having or giving the proper sharpness of outline due to good focusing

— out of focus

: not in focus

I'm actually leaning more toward the definition of 2b, 2c, 5 or 7.

adjustment for distinct vision

a state or condition for permitting clear perception

a center of attention

a point of concentration

I want my vision (in my head... in my heart... in my life...) to be clearly defined. I want the purpose of my attention on whatever I'm doing to clearly have a defined purpose that is beneficial for the greater good.

I don't want to be the center of attention, rather, I want the center of attention in my life be the things, people, activities that I am focused upon.

At times I feel like a jack-of-all-trades master at none. I want to fine-tune my skills in photography and I realize I won't get to that point, if I don't focus (literally) on that.

I want to focus on my children. They really grow up so quickly. I want them to know and understand that spending time together is a focus in my life.

I want clarity in my relationships.

I want to focus on the important.

I want to be able to clearly see past the imperfections in my life (and others) and focus on what is the most important thing -- the person inside -- kind of like taking a "What Would Jesus View" approach with people.

Focus. It's my word for 2012

Goodbye 2011, Bring on 2012!

Is it odd that I find no reason to get all gussied up, go out and celebrate all night only to hate myself the next morning? It's a new year. Whoopie. I don't know. I'm not much of a partier. I'm definitely not a drinker. The idea of using this night as an excuse to over-indulge is ridiculous (in my book.) Therefore, my night was spent... at home... warm... cozy... and I didn't even make it til midnight.

Josh had his friend, Jake, come over to spend the night.

I made a spread of snacks -- meatballs, cheese tray, queso, summer sausage, grapes, cream cheese & pepper jelly with crackers, deviled eggs. We noshed well.

Drew made it to about 10:45 p.m. What a party animal, huh?

Don't judge. I'm not much better. Yup. I made it to about 11:15 p.m.

Andy did come wake me up and say, "Happy New Year." I'm not sure I even responded but if not, "Happy New Year, Andy!"

Hey, Benji didn't make it either! Plus, I'm the one that has to get up with him at 7am.

My night did go out with a bang, however. Benji -- before being whisked up to bed for being downright ornery -- decided to take out my favorite hurricane globe full of mini Christmas balls that I had on display. Grrrrr. I'm so ready for this stage to be over with I can't even see straight!

I was up with Benji at 7:15 am and made bacon and waffles for the crew. With it being the new year, I'm back on my eating plan to lose the last 15 pounds. Crazy to say it but I actually missed eating well. I looked forward to my salads. I loved my yogurt and fruit each day. It worked for me. It kept me normal on the inside. I just need to learn to make more of the meals for the entire family than to be content eating from a box.

Josh spent the first day of his new year at the Keller Pointe with Jake and then at the movies seeing the newest Mission Impossible. (Does anyone else but me get side tracked with a celebrity's political stance or personal life and that affect your opinion of them? Tom Cruise is an absolute freak... he's mental. That makes me not want to see him in the movies. I dunno. Weird. I know I am.)

So, in all the nostalgia to reminisce about specifics of the old year -- I'm not. The Cliff's Notes version is that:

• It's been a year of lost life-long friends (no, they didn't die, just chose not to be my friend any longer.)
• It's been a year of reconnections with people that I'm so thankful for.
• It's been a year of firsts (Benji walking, talking, feeding himself, growing like a weed).
• It's been a year of lasts (no more little people)
• It's been a year of toleration -- we got Moose. Nuff said.
• It's a year of new times -- 6th grade, 1st grade, preschool, Oklahoma with the boys.
• It's been a year of change -- lost weight, grown hair, colored hair, arthritis diagnosis, getting "fixed".
• It's been a year of love.
• It's been a year of comfort.
• It's been a year of stress (Benji... sorry, kid, it's the truth!)

All in all however, I'd say it's been a good year. Yet, it's one I'm quite ready to leave behind.