Thursday, June 16, 2016


I always tell my children to use their words. I like to reiterate this by reminding them just how powerful words are. Words can become labels that attach themselves to characteristics in good ways and, unfortunately, (and many times) in bad ways.

People like to take advantage of the fact that words have different interpretations for all of us.  For instance, "bad" can be BAD or "bad" can be very, very good.  The context is what's important here.  

Advertisers know, too, that words are powerful.  Powerfully misleading.  They count on this, coupled with an uneducated public, to take advantage of the fact that we (the uneducated masses) have been dumbed down to the point that our society is... numb. 

Brain dead anyone?  It's so commonplace that people actually buy things with labels because they're so ridiculously brain dead to what they're buying.  I mean, GLUTEN FREE doesn't equate to healthy although mainstream nutritional feeds want you to BELIEVE that it's GOOD to be gluten free so they label.... a fucking bag of GUMMY BEARS... as gluten free as if they want you -- the uneducated consumer -- to believe that those a healthy alternative to eating a piece of bread?!  

So, yeah, labeling -- I'm about to derail my own post going off on the nutritional label rant rather than aiming for the bottom line which is literally what this post is about.  The bottom line of labels -- the labels on TOILET PAPER. To which I scream WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE!?!

Photo source
I don't exactly consider myself uneducated by any stretch of the imagination.  I do, however, appear to have a general lack of understanding as to the actual definition of the adjectives applied to your average roll of toilet paper.  My general understanding is that there is one-ply and there is two-ply.  According to my grandmother, you should never buy one ply as it's like rubbing your butt with sandpaper and that will not do.

But...(or should I say butt) what the actual hell does ANY of this really mean?

double rolls
quilted ultra plush supreme rolls (24 = 90 regular)
ultra comfort big roll 
1000 sheet rolls (I laughed at this because... well, nevermind)
ultra comfortcare family roll
mega roll
cleancare family roll
ultra soft & strong
gentle care

Is there an industry-wide standard for the amount of squares included in a regular roll? If so, does any member of the general public actually know what this magic number is?  If you can buy 24 rolls of one that equals 90 rolls of another -- is that compared to the regular or the big rolls?  Or, would it be more advantageous to purchase less mega rolls for the same amount of sheets?  If someone sells ultra comfort does that mean that the others aren't "ultra" comfortable. Who wipes their ass with tons of random sheets to determine just what defines "ultra" butt wipe?  How big IS a BIG roll? Why do you have to declare one a "family" roll?  Does it come with a toy in the middle?  Is mega more than double or less than big?  I mean, shouldn't they all be sensitive?  You're utilizing this product on the most delicate parts of your anatomy.  You would think that they would all be quilted ultra super comfortable absorbent plush sensitive mega family sized big rolls, right?  

I'm curious... what do these labels actually mean.


Angela S said...

Girl, you crack me up!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Girl I can always count on you to make me laugh so hard that I have coffee come out my nose and if I wasn't a lady I may even admit to passing gas from laughing so hard. Love you!