Monday, July 31, 2006

The Tale of Two Tails

Well, this morning started out okay. I was going to try to be chipper, try to hold it together as best I could. Try to keep a positive outlook... try to be happy and know that it's a new day... it's a beautiful morning and we are together for a little while longer...

Gidget's tumor had ulcerated on top of the ulceration and she was in pain... panting. It was quite uncomfortable I could just tell... and by the positions she chose to sprawl out in, you could easily see she was just uncomfortable. I had numerous blankets scattered about the house so that she was never far from my side the past few days... and she stayed near.

They all got extra cookies today... I had to give Gidget an aspirin in a piece of hot dog.... just to try to make her a little more comfortable. I changed her dressings on her wound one last time... and tried to keep an upbeat attitude and get Josh to interact with her instead of treating her like she's already gone.... we took a series of photos together... Josh even got behind the lens to get a couple of photos of me and Gidget.

I think animals just sense things... she'd been hiding under the bed an awful lot lately... like she just knew she needed to be away. Andy took off work early and came to get her to take her for me because I told him that there just wasn't any way I could keep it together... and it'd just be too ugly. She needed someone with her that could remain calm instead of someone clinging to her and stressing her out (that'd be me.)...

Josh was outside doing tricks with the flyswatter -- don't ask -- it's entertainment for him!?! I knocked on the window to let him know to come inside...and I said, do you want to get Gidget out from underneath the bed for me? He said, "Why"... and I said, "it's time for her to go now." That was so hard saying that to him... and his voice broke as he was trying to coax her from beneath the bed. She came out, tail wagging, as usual. Almost like she was trying to comfort us... to let us know that she was going to be alright. We took turns sitting in the floor petting her... Josh tried so hard to be strong... but no one can at a time like that. When it was finally time, I just leaned over and gave her a big hug and pet her chest with my hands... and for once in the last week that I've embraced her... she held very still and just let me hold her... and I told her that I loved her so much and that I was sorry her body wasn't strong enough. I wrapped her up in the big navy blue beach towel and carried her out to Andy's car outside. Josh and Drew were close on my tail. She acted nervous… like she knew what was going on. Josh just lost it… Andy was holding Drew… trying to comfort Josh… so I shut the door and went into Mom mode to try to comfort my boys…. Drew didn’t want to say bye to Gidget either and when I put her in the car he started crying too… I took Drew and led Josh to the inside of the house. Andy backed out of the drive and they were gone down the street. Josh immediately walked over to one of the chairs and just stared bawling… so I carried Drew into the living room and set him down to go get a toy. The Josh and I sat down on the couch, I leaned his head to my chest and just held him and we cried together. Drew realized Josh was hurting and he crawled up onto the couch beside the two of us and just kind of looked at me and then Josh and then he wrapped his arms around us both and said “big hug” and the leaned over and embraced us both and then gave Josh a kiss… then kind of watched him… then walked away… he was trying to make Josh’s boo boo all better… it was just such a tender moment between us three…

Andy came back after it was done and said she didn’t suffer … but he, too, believes she knew what was going on. The vet even said so… He placed the towel and her colar on the counter in the kitchen. I went upstairs and gave her collar to Josh to put on his shelf… after josh melted down he went upstairs to build a Gidget out of legos – and cme down and gave it to me to put on my night stand (she used to sleep on the floor on my side of the bed)

On the way to dinner tonight Andy told me he told Gidget to say "hi" to Jericho for him (that was his favorite dog he had to put down a few years ago)… and that made the waterworks flow. He said that at first he was okay because he knew we were doing what was beset for her but when it was all over he was lke… wow… she’s gone and he teared up….

So I regained my composure before dinner. Andy's parents wanted to take Josh out to eat before school started and especially now to get him out of the house and out of the absence of Gidget. We ate at Springcreek, it was nice… got home... then I walked into the house and the silence was deafening. There wasn’t anyone there to greet me. Gidget was the only one of the 3 dogs that gave a shit that I ever walked in the door (boomer’s deaf so he has an excuse – he usually just takes a cue if he sees the other dogs get up and goes to see what’s going on)… but he never really cares, he just wants someone to throw the ball for him. So, I walked in the house alone—the boys were out front…and it was just too quiet… no little pitter patter of her toenails running across the hardwood floors estatic that I'm home just to see her and to give her a little pat on the head... to her I was just the queen of the castle and the king of the world all wrapped into one... and when I walked in tonight, I was just no one... and it just killed me – (like it is right now). So I went to the bathroom and just started crying.

Then I had to make their dinner…. and only had to make two bowls… and again, lost it.

Boomer has been walking around looking for her… he’s pacing the floors. And now, he's sleeping directly beneath my chair. This will be his first night without her ... since we got her. He's still walking back and forth from my room looking for her. I need to wash the blankets so her scent isn't on them anymore... or do I?

I just keep thinking -- Where The Red Fern Grown... with Gidget, probably Boomer's spirit will go too. I know he's not too far behind her... and that makes things so hard. When that point comes in the very near future I fear, I really do not know what I'm going to do.

You never realize how much these little four legged kids are woven into the very spirit of your being until they're gone -- or threatened to be gone... and your life just won't be the same... Hopefully, you realize at that point, just how privileged you should feel to have been loved by one of God's sweet creatures that was put on this earth just to be loved and spoiled by you.... and you just hope and pray that they know what a wonderful impact they've had on your life and hope that they can even comtemplate even a tenth of what they meant to you.

So, our home is now quiet of the pitter patter of quick little steps running to the gates to welcome me home... and we're down to two tails.

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