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Monday, March 7, 2011

The Intervention of the Wal-Martians

YOu've seen them. I've seen them. We've all seen those crazy e-mail depicting the "Wal-Martians." E-mails full of people that are just... so bizarrely apathetic to their appearance that it boggles the mind. The latest one, however, left even MY small brain wondering what in the HELL is going on!?!

So, I've decided to share some of this .... deliciousness [bwa ha ha haa] with you.

Walmartian #1
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The caption reads: Hershey’s has a new butterscotch chip! Now, somebody go get us a few barrels of cookie dough.

And, mind you, I am the first person to defend people of size. I'm the first person to defend most anyone because I like to think that we all have a purpose on the planet. We all have a goodness in our hearts. We all have a gift for mankind....

I don't understand, however, how you can just -- seriously -- let yourself go to the point of this. I don't buy the "blame it on McDonald's." I don't buy the whole "it's not my fault" thing.... because, ultimately, it IS your fault. For someone to gain THIS MUCH WEIGHT that they can't put their legs together... it's just gross.

So, while I feel guilt in sharing their tag line because you're, in essence, making fun of another human who obviously feels pain, too, it's so hard to not THINK SOMETHING about it. Why? Because we're human and that's what we do. Everyone thinks, judges and if they say they don't -- they're telling you a lie!

Now, if this person were sitting like this because they just walked their first 300 yards in three years and they're just exhausted but DOING SOMETHING about it... then I would tell everyone to SHUT UP.... they're doing more than MOST people in their position.

SO... as it stands... yikes. That's all I can say... Yikes!

Walmartian #2
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Tag line reads: Halloween shopping tip: You don’t need to wear last year’s costume to shop for this year’s.

I just have to agree.

Walmartian #3
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Tag line reads: I hope you just injured that foot from kicking your own ass for wearing that out in public.

She's definitely NOT bringing sexy back! Yowza.

Walmartian #4
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Tagline reads: I was going to count how many sizes too small that is, but I’ve only got like 20 years of education, so counting that high seems out of my grasp. If there is anyone out there with a doctorate in Quantum Physics that would like to give it a try, we would welcome the answer

What is the trend with letting your butt cheeks hang out of your shorts? Seriously, I'm not understanding this. Do these people not feel a draft? The term "muffin top" mean anything to ya? If you can spend money for a bottle of peroxide for that hair, you can afford to save up and buy some friggin' pants... or maybe,I don't know... a bra?

Walmartian #5
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Tag line isn't even funny enough to share. But I will add one -- one sign of Alzheimer's is going out in public after forgetting to put your pants on. For real. Upcoming children's book based on this backside? The Saggy Baggy Bottom.

Walmartian #6
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Tag line reads: What has to happen in your life for you to just say “f*** it” and then leave your house with your toddler’s 3T on?

I just think.... if you were to swap out the boobs and estrogen, I could totally see some guy dressed like this? You'd think women would know better? Black shoes with hot pink laces? For real? How old ARE YOU? So gross!

Walmatian #7
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Tag line reads: Oh dear God! Please someone go explain to her what “cougar hunting” is. I think she is taking it way too literally.

This is like... Dolly Parton, isn't it? I am sure she's over 60 with a touch of dementia (or at least I hope so) because no one in their right mind would really wear this? And that wig? Yowza! It's like a mullet!

Walmartian #8
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Again with the butt cheeks!

Walmartian #10
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Tag line reads: It's a good thing she took those flip-flops off - wouldn't want to add any unnecessary weight to that scale.

I seriously see this and I'm like... if you'd just get OFF that little Wall-E inspired lazy-mobile and WALK, you'd do yourself more good.... do something for yourself... get off your backside!

Walmartian #11
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Tag line: Why wouldn’t you wanna show off that grade-A caboose after all that toning you’ve put in with those ankle weights?

My thoughts are that if it's cold enough to warrant a jacket, your butt should probably have something covering it up too! AGAIN with the butt cheeks? WHY SHOW OFF THE BUTT CHEEKS??? I DON'T GET IT! KILL ME NOW!?!

Walmartian #12
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Tag line: I didn’t know I could buy a table dance at Walmart too! They really do have everything now.

My thoughts.... those heels aren't NEARLY high enough for her to be a stripper...or the fact that you can see panty lines. Strippers don't wear granny panties.

Walmartian #13
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Tag line: It’s “bring sexy back” not “bring sexy across your whole back-side”. Thanks for ruining such a great word by the way.

My thoughts? Can you not feel that your ass is eating your pants? I mean it... your butt is literally eating your pants, you HAVE to feel that! Anything with writing across the butt over a size 2 shouldn't be allowed. (I don't even like it then, but at least it's not ... as seemingly WRONG).

Walmartian #14
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Tag line: Oh good, I was getting sick of seeing a$$-cracks. I’m glad you decided to instead show us all your gutt-crack. It’s a pleasant change of scenery.

My thoughts. One word -- EWWWWW! Seriously, though, can you not feel a draft on your exposed skin? Why do people think that just because they can squeeze into something - it fits? That's so not the case?!

Walmartian #15
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Tag line: Really? Do you think when you dress? Did you toss on your shorts because, well hey they rock, then just go ahead and grab the shirt your kid just jammed into the paper shredder?


My thoughts, again, you know, maybe back in her younger years she was a Frederick's of Hollywood hottie. Now, notsomuch. I envision she must think she looks like this...
Photobucket(image courtesy of Fredericks of Hollywood) but now the shirt has been so morbidly stretched out it's just one big shred... it's just ..... it's just what she's done with her dignity. You leave the house like that... it's shredded. Period.

Walmartian #16
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Tag line reads: After doing some extensive research (and by that I mean sh*t I just made up) we have concluded that at some point that shirt was once whole, and at another point in time it became stretched-torn and hanging on by the seams as you see it now. But for some reason our research cannot conclude when that point in time exactly was. However, the Issac Newton in me is guessing it occurred right when she put it on.

This is just a triple whammy. a) she THINKS she can fit into those size 8 because she was able to button them... it never occurred to her that the fact that her butt crack is hanging out may just well mean that they DO NOT FIT. Hip huggers are NOT for everyone. They're actually not for many people because they're just not very flattering b) being able to SEE the bra and the bra strap -- tacky c) ever heard of Spanx? ... yikes man... yikes

Walmartian #17
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Tag line: ...it had something to do with a reference like "The Rock's" eyebrows... This is an obvious cross-dresser who is new to the game. No woman in her right mind would point her upper lips and draw that perpetual state of "HUH" on their face.... right? Yikes!

Walmartian #18
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Tag line: It included not nice things so I didn't include it... but a) why didn't she finish pulling the white shirt on? If you can't reach stuff to pull it down... perhaps a) lose weight or b) find a bigger shirt? and c) if you have so many rolls in your tight shirt that your backside resembles somewhat of a face... throw a salad in there...

The amount of people that I see that are graviportal is just mind-numbing!

Walmartian #19
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My thoughts? If you can afford a freakin' tattoo -- you can afford a damn bra! If your boobs can be tucked into your PANTS.... WEAR A BRA! If the shirt you choose exposes more skin than you would IF you wore a bra... a) don't wear it and b) wear a bra!

In closing, I'd like to say that I'm a genuinely nice person. I look for the good in everyone -- even the people like this... but sometimes you just have to say, "Well, bless your heart," and offer up some big prayers for these folks... they need an intervention!

4 comments:

PamalaW said...

I gotta say that I shop at Walmart all the time and have only once seen anyone that I could possibly submit to www.peopleofwalmart.com ... (I didn't however).. and that one was a very unattractive man dressed up very badly as a very unattractive woman...

Also, while most of the people in the pics on that website are completely clueless and either can't or don't do anything about their appearance, I still think the entire concept is cruel to take pictures of other human beings just to make comments about them..

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh lord help me on my bad day, I know once I ran to Walgreens when the kids were sick and I was looking a mess I would hate to have someone take a pic of me on that day.

Being a fluffy girl myself I know I must watch my sizes and the ways things fit.

I feel bad for most of them.

Ginger said...

That's awesome! I love wal-mart shoppers. I don't feel so bad for going in my sweatpants now.

Ginger
http://literallyinspired.blogspot.com

Michelle said...

The only one I ACTUALLY kind of like is #7. Otherwise...holy mother of I-don't-even-know-what. It's unfathomable to me that somebody could even set foot outside their door looking like this. Complete disaster. They almost might as well be nude, for all the thought put into their appearances and considering how comfortable they are with really "hanging out." It's as if they dressed for a trashy beach instead of a shopping trip.