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Friday, July 13, 2007

New Rules for 2007

one of those e-mail "things" that everyone passes around... I just got it today. It'd seem kind of silly, however, to have "new" rules when 2007 is half over already... but alas... I thought these were worth sharing! Supposedly they are George Carlin's new rules for 2007... but boy I love them!

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. It's because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days. He' s mowing my lawn.
****I hate those too, don't you? And it's always got the same three chicks on it with the really jacked up hair. There are some things that really just shouldn't come back in style -- 80's BIG HAIR is one of them! That and the hip hugger jeans with the flared legs (big flared legs)... I saw a BEAUTIFUL woman at Drew's gymnastic's class on Tuesday. She was attending with her toddler (he's under 3 years of age or he'd be in Drew's class where parents are not supposed to accompany them any longer).... so she's got great hair, great skin, thin, tall, and then she leans over and gives her plumber's crack smile to the world..??? can you not feel the draft between your cheeks lady? I think she went from pretty to pretty classless in about 0.6 seconds... that's just gross... even on pretty women -- which I CAN appreciate -- no one wants to see your butt crack! ... ok, on to the next one.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy' s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?
***and people sue McDonalds for making them fat... look buddy, no one MADE you drive your car through the drive-thru every day last week for two-packs of quarter pounders with extra-value sized fries... or forces you to buy the bag of double stuffed Oreos or Iced Animal Crackers (those are good but why are they called "crackers" when they have no salt?) Look... McDonalds has reached Africa...

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New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
***you know, I wouldn't say that's what they are but... I guess they are proving the old theory wrong that boys mature slower than girls... those guys are pretty smart... teachers are pretty dumb... but why is it such a bigger deal for the MALE teachers with FEMALE students than it is for the FEMALE teachers with the MALE students... personally, if they're over 18, I could care less... younger than that.. it's really just gross... and notice they said blonde teachers... LOL... dumb blondes! (no offense to any blondes ROFL)... :) lol...


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here' s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
***I often wondered why women would pluck them all out only to get up 2 hours early to draw them back on..and if you DO draw them back on.. don't go 1" above your natural brow line because no one WANTS to see you looking like you're in a perpetual state of surprise. Especially if you're 16.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That' s your flavored water.
***I just don't agree with that. To me, soft drinks are carbonated... flavored water is just that...water with flavor.. duh. Maybe George is proving the theory (maturing slower.. LOL)


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
***LOL... no comments necessary on this.. .it just cracked me up!


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it' s the white people's version of looting.
***That's SO funny... but I have to agree. If you are setting up a registry for anything other than a wedding, it's not getting a gift, it's displaying your greed.


New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he' s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.
***what a gross place to have a job... who wants to listen to other people in the rest room? Yuck


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He' s two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
***Oh I've been griping about this one since I had Josh! I never did the "months" thing except when he was like... under 6 months old... then he was six months, a little over six months... almost a year... a year... a little over a year... almost a year and a half. LOL... if someone is making me do small arithmetic in my head, they deserve a noogie!


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God' s sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
***I could not agree more with this. I am all for personal expression but body modification is just such a bizarre fettish these days... and it's just... well, some of it is so bizarre. SO bizarre... don't expect to much of anything but live permanently in an apartment, with minimum wage for an income... don't do it... if you want to be freaky, do it where no one else can see and/or someplace you can cover IT UP!

1 comment:

herchelle in Calgary said...

Hello...I found your blog thru Frozen assets and I loved your blog and scrapbook pages. Thanks for sharing them! I love the buttons and fabric! Why not add another smaller pic to your nekkid page? (Listen to me...TWO ...count em, two full scrapbook pages done, pics getting sorted and I am giving advice to a creative genius! LOL