Great quotes

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'--Author Unknown

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'--Drew Carey

'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'--Jeff Foxworthy

'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.' --Bob Ettinger

'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.'--Lynda Montgomery

'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.''--Richard Jeni

'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?What, do tall people burn slower?'--Warren Hutcherson

'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde

'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog wil l give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''--Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, presumed deceased

'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' --W. C. Fields

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