Thursday, October 28, 2010

He wept...

I've contemplated not putting this out there as "published" for the sake of privacy but this blog is my documentation for my scrapbooks on my journey through life. It's not always all sun shine and rainbows. Sometimes even blue skies turn grey and leave you at a loss for much of anything than holding your arms outstretched to God asking, no begging him for a miracle.

We've been busy this year making lots of plans. Early this year we were making plans for a new arrival to our family. He came and then we were planning birthday parties and play dates. Soon we were planning weekly menus and school agendas. Then, we have been planning a cruise which left me planning to lose weight... planning to get pass ports... planning for some beautiful family memories. Funny how all your plans change in the blink of an eye.

Tuesday I dropped Drew off (at his request) at his Mimi and Pop's house for his special time at his favorite place. At that time, Josh discussed with his Mimi plans for redecorating his bedroom (his Christmas gift this year) and she showed him what she'd purchased for it thus far. Nothing unusual or out of the blue.

Unbeknownst to me, earlier that day Andy's brother received communication that my mother and father-in-law wouldn't be joining us on the "family" cruise after all. After talking with his dad about it, he called Andy who had been home from work all of about ten minutes. Andy grabbed his keys and wallet and said his brother was muttering something about his parents separating. I was sure it was some stupid misunderstanding.

A short time later in walk Andy and Drew. I make eye contact with Andy and all he can do is raise his eyebrows and shake his head "yes." At that moment, life as we have known it ceased to exist.

After 45 years of marriage, Mrs. Driggers didn't want to be Mrs. Driggers anymore because she was sick of spending her life making everyone else happy and not herself... it was time for her to be happy now.... by alienating herself from everyone in her entire family that loves her and being alone. MMmm kay.

I've watched my husband, a strong man, a man that doesn't cry go from being at a complete loss for words and unable to retain his composure to being so angry that I can see his ears turn red. The mountains of prayers that we've all been requesting and sending to our Lord is immense. The foundation of our family is broken and only God can fix this.

A gut check on life and priorities -- definitely! I think to myself... kind of along the same lines that people thought when Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt separated -- if they can't make it with all they have going for them, then how in the HELL can I? That kind of ridiculous logic vacillates in and out of my thoughts as I try to process this single act of lunacy. If these two most Godly people can't be happy and "make it," how can we?

I tell you, if nothing else, this one act has made the bonds of my marriage so Gorilla Glue strong, not even death shall make us part...

I don't understand how someone who has everything she could possibly want or need would be compelled to move forward with such an illogical thought process. I am not happy so I want to be alone so I can be happy. I want to say and do things that will make no one but me happy. I want to focus on ME ME ME. Sounds like the Grinch... or some narcissist... or something else I'm not even going to say because nice girls don't talk like that. It doesn't sound like the words of a mother. Moms don't quit. But, she just quit the family.

With all that's been going on since Tuesday because of this, Josh, being the keen child that he is, has noticed that something is up. He's asked and I've tried to shield him until someone had some clarity as to what is going on. I fear we may never know and if I were him, I certainly wouldn't want to live in a perpetual state of "what's going on with everyone?" So, after football practice tonight, I talked to Andy and we decided he should know. I told him.

I looked up on websites how to tell your children that their grandparents are divorcing. Most websites I saw were allowing the grandparents to do the speaking. Ummm... not going to happen here. I was reading just in general of how to talk to children about divorce. I mean, Josh is from a divorced home but he was so young at the time, he doesn't know anything different. And that situation is 100% different from this one...

I brought the dogs for moral support as I knew it was best to tell Josh what was going on when he had the veil of darkness on his side. He hates to cry in front of people.

As Josh loaded his pads in the back of the van he told me about his practice... he was awarded a sticker for being the player of the game for Saturday's game. He's extremely proud about that and I'm so glad to see him gaining confidence within his skills and abilities. We drove a little ways down the road and I turned the radio down and said that I needed to talk to him about something rather serious since Drew wasn't in the car with us. He asked, "Is it about Dad?"

On Wednesday morning I had told Josh that if Dad was snippy or anything to just let it go that he had a lot on his plate and his mind...and to just say, "Yes, Sir," and to steer clear of him until things had settled down some. Josh knew something was up.

I made my way to the stop sign at Johnson Road. The only sound in my car was the "click" "click" "click" of my turn signal. At that moment, I took a deep breath and proceeded to tell Josh what I knew no one wanted to hear.

"Josh, Dad is upset because Mimi has decided that after 45 years of marriage she's tired of doing things to make everyone else happy and she thinks she'll be happier not married to Pop. She wants to be divorced and on her own."

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped.

I wanted the opportunity to tell him on MY terms without anyone else's input. Josh knows me. He knows I don't lie and I don't sugarcoat. Sometimes life just flat out sucks. This was one of those times.

We drove a little further and I told him that until we know what is going on, there will be no visits to Mimi and Pop's house as they will undoubtedly be selling it. His eyes were growing red...

There will also be NO one-on-one time with Mimi as I don't feel she's "right" in the head. This meant that your room redo... it's probably not going to happen.

There will be no playdates there for you or Drew because I don't want her using any one-on-one time to try to convince either of the boys that this is either okay, wanted or mutually agreeable between her and Pop. The information my children receive on this nightmare will only come from me and their father. We're the parents. We filter the information. Period. I don't trust that it would be that way should there be one-on-one time so we have to do what is best for our kids in this situation.

He started to think and then realized that by her doing his room, it was her doing something nice for someone else to make them happy and he now doesn't even want her doing his room.

I told him that Mimi was under the illusion that nothing would really change... when in fact everything has changed already. The holidays, the traditions, the family, the gathering place, the photos. Everything.

Then it hit him... no more Mimi and Pop...

and he wept...

and he bowed his head...

and he sobbed...

and all I could do was rub the back of his neck and apologize for the wickedness that has entered the heart of the woman he held in the highest regard and ripped apart his family. It was at that moment that I hated her for doing this to my son. She broke his heart.

He grew silent.

We arrived home.

He removed his pads from the back of the car and with the wind knocked out of his sails... he entered the house. I sat the carseat down and removed Ben from the seat and placed him belly-down on the floor. He started to reach for a toy and looked up at Josh and smiled that little gummy, innocent grin.

Josh leaned back on a far wall and just stared at Ben...

It was at that moment, his heart ... the tremendous size of it shown through in his words...

"Poor Ben... he'll never know... he'll never know anything about our Mimi and Pop... no Easter egg hunts.... " he couldn't even finish his words. My son wasn't even concerned about what he was going to miss out on... he is now weeping for the Mimi and Pop that his baby brother will never get to know. He's mourning the experiences and genuine love and joy from the family traditions we all shared together... with Mimi and Pop.... that will be nevermore.

And, again. He wept.

Yeah, nothing will change. My ass.

So, as I sit here with the pieces of one child's broken heart on my mind... knowing that it will only be worse with the younger one... I weep.


RiotgrrrlK97 said...

I am weeping too. This is something that I can very much relate to. I have been estranged from my Father since I had Brendan... but throughout my life, things have been very traumatic. My Father is a raging alcoholic and Jay and I refuse to allow him anywhere NEAR our children. My Mother is an enabler and is usually clueless. She still comes and visits Brendan and us but my Father is not welcome. It is still a situation where I don't know what to do... I want to have my Father in my life, just never with the negative energy he carries. I am torn between what is right and what is wrong. It hurts me so bad to know that Brendan may not ever know all about the family life that I want him to have. It makes me sad that things just can't be the way they used to be, back when times were simpler, in the good ol' days. I wish with all my heart that I could have my family in my life to share memories with. I guess the best thing I can do now is make the memories myself, with Jason and our friends and family... the way that we want it to be. I can say that my prayers are always with you on this journey. I am sorry for your pain. My pain is so deep and immense, I still am lost as to what to expect for the future. It kills me. EVERY single day. I know that with time, the answers will come. I have faith. I wish the same for you. This is a hard lesson, this life. It hurts the most when it begins to effect your children and there is nothing that you can do about it. That is the worst part for me. You can want things for them but that doesn't mean they will happen. I just hope that one day, things will become easier for me to figure out. THANK YOU for sharing your story. I send you prayers, love and hugs! xoxoxoxo

Nancy said...

April, I have known you a long time and I just want to say that you are such a great mom. I am a child of divorce too. I was fortunate in the face that my mother and my step-mother were best friends after my father re-married. Completely different situation but still unorthodox.

I cried this morning when I read your blog. Not for the loss of the marriage, but for the way it is affecting your family. At the same time, to hear Josh's response to the whole thing. You and Andy have done such a great job by (as you say) filtering what your children know that you have taught them to be caring of others. If more people took their roles as parents as serious as you and Andy do, this world would be quite a different place.

I just want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. You and Andy are strong and you and your children will learn from this as well as grow from the experience. It may not be the path you have chosen, but you will make it better for your family.

Again, I think you are an incredible mom and it makes me smile through the tears to realize it. Love you girl!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Proof that divorce is terrible at any stage in a marriage.

chksngr said...

I don't know why, but I keep hearing Matthew West's song Two Houses...this is sad...April, I don't know what the deal is with your MIL, but I can say if she was married to anyone like MY father, I wouldn't begrudge her the time to be alone...we all make choices and loving people through their choices is the HARDEST thing we do as Christians. Your poor kids are def. caught in the middle...and Josh is wise beyond his years. I love trememdously how honest you are with your kids. The frankness in good timing is amazing and so beautiful...they are learning a level of relationship building that so many people don't get. Perhaps your MIL hasn't made her needs known...I gather from this that if she expressed a need, she would have people willing to help her get that need fulfilled...women of her generation often put every need on hold and spoke not one word of it, assuming it was their job and responsibility to put their needs at the back of their minds...I know my mom is that way. My mother has recently done a lot of things that I never thought I would see her do, and she has taken herself out from under the burdensome delusion that she is required to put herself on hold to fulfill the needs of others. My dad has not been happy because for the first time in their marriage, she has decided that she will say "no" if she has no interest in something. He's frankly baffled...but she is honest, like you, and manages to tell him "I've never liked this and I'm not going to do it any more." In that way, they are remaining married, just embarking on a new sort of life, where my mom actually has opinions about things and does many things by herself if my dad won't do the things she wants to do. I will definitely be praying for your guys!!! Life is turning a page.

brandt! said...

and I weep too .. omg April.. I'm sorry. Josh's thoughts are so special .. so selfless ..wish we could rub the crystal ball to see how it all works out ..