Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ripped off

Disclaimer... these are NOT my musings. My friend, Felecia, posted them on her blog which she confessed to stealing from another friend who, I'm sure, stole them from somewhere else! I'm sure it's all a conspiracy to make the world laugh together, so I'm "in" on the happiness! I promise, you'll laugh too!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history when you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're dead wrong. Though I doubt that really happens much for us women, does it girls?

3. I totally regret all those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger. Would someone PLEEEEEEASE tell this to Drew?

4. There is great need for a sarcasm character on the keyboard.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Ha ha.. I'm SO glad I"m not the only one asking this question. I seriously just roll it into a nice ball and squish it into the linen closet. I hate folding sheets!

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? Yeee gads! Don't EVEN get me started on the whole cursive crap. I hate that they try to teach children today cursive that has little "tails" on the letters. I don't want my son thinking that "k" has a little curlie-q on the end. It's a very girlie way to write.

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. I seriously, SERIOUSLY laughed out loud on this one!

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they reported how the person died. I've thought this for YEARS!

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories. And good books and movies too!

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I sure don't want to have to restart my collection...again...for the fifth (or sixth?) time! Funny story. I just sent Andy an e-mail the other day telling him about BluRay. I'd never heard about it (I'm not the most technologically advanced matron on the planet, I'll admit.) He replied back, "You're joking, right?" Sadly, no. I wasn't.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save the changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. YOu too? Thank goodness I'm not alone. In the past, I'll actually save that with an altered title JUST IN CASE!

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever. I won't even BUY clothes you can't wash!

15. I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? I think so. I just did that with my mom like 26 seconds ago.

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. The whole reason comfy, stretchy, capri pants are part of the "mom" uniform.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I'll know not to answer when they call. This is not entirely true. But I sure do have a lot of numbers in there for people who never seem to call me... OMG this is so funny. It IS true, too.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. Like Grease...HELLO! OH I totally know what they mean about Grease! Except when I watched it with my 10 year old, he was like, "... Rizzo's got a bun in the oven? What's THAT mean?" "It means she's pregnant." "How can she be pregnant, she's not married?" "Hey, lets see what else is on."

19. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. This is my husband in a nutshell. :)

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. As do 98.7% of the rest of our country.

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? You laughed just now didn't you? You nodded and smiled and chuckled under your breath!

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars close up to prevent some jerk from cutting in. - Stay strong, brothers and sisters! You know, I'm someone that does that. When they have a sign a MILE BACK that says "Lane ends 1 mile ahead" and those jerks speed past people trying to get over and then not using a blinker try to force their way into the lane. That seriously pisses me off. So, I'll get over... and then ride 1/2 in the ending lane and 1/2 in the merge lane. :) Really ticks 'em off but it makes me happy. :) They all seem to get behind me and tell me I'm #1. :)

23. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

24. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

25. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'll bet everyone can find and whack the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1½ seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! Why is that? I don't even use a snooze button.

26. My check the oil light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car is just an attention whore.

27. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the match?

28. Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness.

29. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat." My dad just drove from south Texas to New Mexico. His last point he said, "The GPS says it's about 14 hours. I'm thinking about eleven."

30. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

31. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster. I will be first in line to by the ergo version!

32. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? THIS is freakin hilarious!

33. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"

34. I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

35. Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos. AMEN AMEN AMEN!


VandyJ said...

These are great! And oh so true!

brandt! said...

#22 .. this is why i like you! LOL!! I would wave and honk the horn ... never would I tell you that you are #1! .. oh wait! Hahaha!!!