Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The expense of children

I think it's wise as a parent to keep a tally on the actual costs associated with having said child so that when they go to ask for more "stuff" you can confront them with the calculations of their actions.

There are reports all over the internet which list the astronomical figures associated with the costs of raising a child.  I'm not addressing those today.  I'm addressing the OTHER costs associated with rearing children.

Josh -- thus far has been the least expensive child.  He cracked my father's large screen television and drew a huge circle around him on the Berber carpet with a purple crayon.

Thor -- While just a dog, he was a destructo 4-legged child as well!  So, he counts!  He's in a box in the bedroom.  (OH, and he's CREMATED! I'm not cruel to animals you jerks!)  He tore up two $100 blankets, peed on my $90 Bjorn sandals, peed on a $80 backpack, tore up a window screen for my bedroom...

Drew -- Drew, being the passive aggressive twerp that he is, wrote in marker on the wooden bunkbed that he was never going to "get single player commands" in MineCraft.  It won't come off... without sanding and re-staining the entire bunk bed.  He also has written on the wall in numerous places in the house including the closet under the stairs.  Drew took a blue self-inking stamp and wrote the alphabet on the carpet in his room.  Two weeks after getting my new minivan three years ago, I was unloading the groceries from the trunk.  This means that the trunk door was open as was the garage door because my car is parked IN the garage.  He just walked inside and hit the button to close the garage door causing the back door of my car to be hung up on the garage door resulting in a scratch down to the metal in about three places.  He's done this not once, but three times.  Drew has taken a monster bubble bath so huge so that it apparently clogged the jets in my tub rendering it completely useless.  It remains unrepaired.

Benji -- Ooooh Benji.... sigh... Benji has put gouges in the wood on the kitchen island that will now need to be filled, sanded and repainted.  He dented my new refrigerator only two weeks after having it installed.  He has put a hole in the wall in my bedroom from slamming the door so hard it bent the doorstop.  He has broken the back windshield wiper on my minivan so now it's just dangling there... mocking me every time I walk by.  He has drawn with a black sharpie marker all over Drew's door.  Benji has shoved about 10 pennies in the DVD player in my car.  He has peeled the wallpaper away in my bathroom by the bathtub.  We don't have any more.  The whole bathroom will now have to be redone.  There is no way to disguise it.  

I'm certain there is more.  I think right now I'd be doing myself a great disservice to list anything further for fear that I'd want to implode my abode and run away to live with Peter Pan.

Moral of the story?  Don't have they kids.  They'll ruin all your shit! 


Paula said...

OMG! I was shuddering as I was reading. Boys! You have your hands full lady!

Cristy S said...

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but laugh about the windshield wiper taunting you. Kids will ruin your shit!! That's why we have yet to purchase new furniture until Elexis goes to college. Even now that she is older, she still will find some way of destroying something. Ugh! Boys are definitely more rough on stuff than girls. I feel for you. I will join you with Peter Pan in Neverland.